Relief from Trauma

Deep and low.

Gritty.

The notes wrapped around me.

Tension moved from my shoulders into my heart space.

I placed my hands there and let the melody carry me.

The memories intensified.

Tears welled.

Breath caught in my throat.

Then...

sweet release.

I let myself feel.

I knew they were tears of joy, of gratitude for where I am now. Those descriptors weren't quite accurate but I just let myself feel. My hands drew the pain of the past from my heart, from my body, and into the ether to be carried away with the music. 

I now realize the main feeling was relief.

Relief that the past is behind me and that I no longer have to carry it with me.

Relief that the present and future are brighter and filled with more love than I knew possible.

Relief that my reality is no longer filled with fear.

Relief and gratitude for the people in my life that have been along for this same ride of healing from trauma. Who have walked through fire and come out the other side with hearts even more open, understanding, accepting, and compassionate. 

The past 6 weeks have been intense and full of beautiful, life-changing, and new experiences, as well as the gunk of the painful past coming up to be healed. I went on first dates. I went camping for the first time. I let myself be dirty. I assisted a yoga class in front of a hundred people. I danced my heart out. I'm learning to love myself in a way that I didn't know was possible. I am receiving love in ways that I've never experienced before. I went to Italy. I watched one of my best friends get married in front of awe-inspiring mountains. I jumped off a cliff into the sea. I lost all the photos I had taken this summer when my phone was stolen. I confronted my fear of confrontation. I said goodbye to people. I said no to things that did not feel right for me. I recognized the deep feeling of emptiness and unworthiness that was unconsciously dictating my actions and creating unhealthy habits. Each experience comes with its own set of lessons. 
I disconnected from social media when I left for the beach yoga camping retreat at the beginning of August and expected myself to return to a regular posting schedule when I returned but I have not been able to get the words out so I've let myself live and experience without needing to write or share. Stay tuned. I'm now feeling inspired to write about these lessons in the coming weeks and months.

The Warrior's Way

Photo by Ashley Cova ashleycova.com

As a perfectionist and an optimist, it's easy to always look at a situation and see how it could be better, how it could be different.

I was always looking on the bright side of things, looking for the silver lining.

This often lead to denial when a situation was shitty and painful.

There have been countless times that I've shared my experience with someone and the response was "at least..." At least I'm not starving. At least I have a roof over my head. At least. At least. At least. Are only the people in the worst conditions allowed to feel bad? I spent years thinking that I had no right to complain about the hardships in my life because "it could have been worse" but we do have to acknowledge the pain. And yes, it's so easy to get stuck in the negativity and to spiral in the other direction- to become a pessimist, never be able to see the good and become an endless loop of complaints. 

I'm finding the sweet spot. The balance between those opposite ways of thinking. Acknowledging the bad and uncomfortable, and accepting that it is what it is, THEN finding ways to shift it. Also acknowledging the good, great, amazing things and basking in gratitude. One of my favorite journaling exercises is to write about what I would like to change AND what I have gratitude for.

Listening to an episode of @yogagirl's podcast with @waylonlewis, the founder of @elephantjournal, reminded me this balance when he shared a quote by Pema Chodron.

"If the warrior (which is a noble human being who is serving the good of others and enjoying their life) can keep the sadness and pain of life in their heart and at the same time the vision brilliance of the sun rising up in the morning in their mind, then they can live a good life."

💖

Four Channels of Nourishment on the Spiritual Path

I am so overwhelmed with gratitude. This is my third year studying with Kino. It was her writing about the spiritual path in her instagram posts combined with the discipline and magic of the Ashtanga yoga practice that woke me up to how I could lead a peaceful life.

My biggest takeaway from the weekend is that there are four channels of nourishment on the narrow road of the yoga, the spiritual path.

1. The student's effort. To receive, to show up and put in the work, to listen.

2. The teacher.

3. The sangha or the community, friends around us that support us, celebrate with us. People to look ahead at that inspire us, people to look back at and to see that there are others following us along this path, friends that help us stay focused on the path.

4. Time. It can't be rushed. I used to say "I've been practicing Ashtanga for a whole year!" And now I say "wow I've only been practicing for less than 3 years." I still feel like a beginner in so many ways.

I'm so grateful for Kino as one of my teachers and so grateful for my sangha.

Now Begins the Study of Yoga

Now begins the study of yoga. 

Atha yoganushasanam. 

Yoga sutra 1.1

I first stumbled across Ashtanga yoga at the gym in 2012, strayed away from it for a few years, then began a dedicated practice two and a half years ago. I went into it as a means of staying in shape. I had no idea that it would be the catalyst of an epic and incredible journey of transformation, healing, and growth that is still and always will be ongoing. I had no idea at the time how unhealthy and unhappy my life was. I was working a job that wasn't paying me my worth. I couldn't see my worth at all. I was in a toxic relationship that I didn't even know was toxic. I didn't feel like I was making any valuable contribution to the world. I had low self-esteem and no confidence. I had years and years of built up anger from trauma that was never acknowledged or addressed. The anger was explosive and destructive. 

The practice along with the writing from several teachers, like Kino, started to plant the seed of a more peaceful life. Within weeks, I experienced an unshakable knowing that I had to follow the yogic path. I had never been so sure of anything else in my life. 

It wasn't the practice alone but the combination of an insatiable thirst for knowledge, various modalities, and many people- teachers, mentors, a therapist, and friends, that have guided me to the place I am now. Every day I make the decision to show up. Put in the work. Get on my mat.

Practice and all is coming. 

Distract from Discomfort

Obsessive.

It's how I was feeling towards Facebook and Instagram a few weeks ago. It's how I was feeling towards a situation in my life. It was on my mind all the time. It created a knot in my stomach and a grip around my chest. I was too busy to deal with the emotions that made me so uncomfortable so I stayed even more distracted. I spent even more time on Facebook. I was scrolling and scrolling, trying to feel better. Ten more minutes. Scrolling. Oops, it's been 30 minutes. I had exceeded the point where the posts were uplifting and of substance and to me and it was all negativity. This had to change.

Last week, I stayed home from work with a cold and luckily had the weekend ahead of me so I resolved to fully heal both my physical and emotional bodies by resting and doing a Facebook and Instagram detox for the weekend. Boy, that gave me some insight into my behaviors. I had no plans for the weekend. Nothing to do, nowhere to be. I reached for my phone out of habit. Again. And again. And again. I paid attention to how I was feeling each time I did that.

Fatigue. Boredom. Discomfort. Sadness. Loneliness. Guilt. Shame.

I realized how I opened up Facebook out of habit to try and feel better, to avoid discomfort, and to try to connect with friends. It wasn't real connection though- it was a lurking in the shadows, looking at other people's lives while not interacting. I changed my actions: when I felt the need to connect with someone, I texted them instead or made plans to meet face to face and have a conversation. I dealt with the feelings, journaled about them and talked about them with close friends. I remembered what actually makes me feel better - yoga, eating well, sitting outside in the sun, and reading a good book. I picked my activities with intention rather than mindlessly reaching for my phone, hoping there might be a gem in my newsfeed.

How I Handle Exhaustion

Work hard. Play hard. REST hard.

I live my life in extremes. I try to tone it back sometimes but it goes against my nature. I've never used that phrase "work hard play hard" to describe my life but lately I am realizing that is exactly how I live my life. The missing component is the REST. I usually go go go until I get sick. My body forces me to stop. I will travel every other weekend for months, go out dancing til 2am, and do all the things accessible to me as a millennial living in a major metropolis. I will also take many nights in solitude, in silence. Just me and my breath, my heartbeat, my journal, and the slowest yoga I can practice to counteract the fast paced living. This isn't forever (nothing is) but this is my life right now and I'm not going to wait for it to slow down before I rest. I am going to build in, schedule in, the rest time that my body is craving. 

A friend recently asked how I handle the exhaustion. Here was my response:

I'm still figuring it out (which I might always be doing) but I surrender to it. I let go of the need to push harder, whether that's working out more, doing more, reading more. I stop scheduling so many things. I stop making too many plans. I straighten up my room, light a candle, take a shower, and just sit. Just be. My mind wants to be checking facebook or reading psychology articles while I'm sitting (doesn't everyone do that for fun?), but those things aren't truly resting. So I listen to the silence around me. Listen to my favorite music. Be by myself. 

When I'm eating, I see it as idle time and want to be reading, on Facebook or instagram too. Staying distracted. But I take a moment to look at my food, think about all the ingredients in it, where each ingredient came from, who had to plant the seeds, harvest them, transport them on a truck, bring them to the store or restaurant, all for me to have this singular meal. It blows my mind how easily accessible food is for us.

I connect with my physical body through all its senses.

I clean my body and clean my surroundings.

I get out of my head and into my body.

Just be.

Not Enough

The story. The script. The line. The lie.

The one that whispers so sweetly that I've always let it in. The one that waits just at the edge of my mind, jumping in at every chance. Clawing its way over me, bearing down, until I shrink and retreat. The one that's disguised itself so flawlessly that it's taken years to finally recognize and unmask. The one that says "you are not enough."

I have let this line, this lie, operate my life. “You are not enough.” Not tall enough. Not thin enough. Not smart enough. Not making enough. Not sacrificing enough. Not doing enough. Not being enough. Not good enough. Not enough.

There are two sides to this story.

One side is how it’s held me back. How I spent years battling with my body image, feeling like there was something wrong with me because from early memories, I was told I was too short, too dark skinned, and too skinny, then suddenly too heavy, and all sorts of other “flaws” that I had no control over. How I didn't see my talent and value in my work. How I’ve felt unlovable, like no one would love me if they knew the real me, if they knew the shameful parts of my past, and I didn’t deserve better. There are so many stories that I could fill an entire book’s worth.

The flip side is how it’s propelled me forward. How I ranked in the top 10% of my high school graduating class despite all the hardships at home. How I've designed for some of the biggest companies in Chicago and the country. How I’ve managed to be a designer, photographer, and yoga teacher. How I continue to challenge myself and be the best version of myself. How I continue to dream big to make a positive impact in this world.

I swing between extremes.

I felt like I wasn’t enough so I over compensated. I felt the need to prove myself and be the best at every single thing I did, becoming a perfectionist. Other times, I didn’t try at all because, why bother, it wouldn't be perfect anyways, right? I felt unworthy and sought external validation to tell me otherwise. I judged everyone. I silently tore down other people so that I could feel better about myself. If anyone else succeeded at what I wanted, I pretended that I didn’t want it that badly.

Recently, I was examining how jealousy shows up for me and I traced it back to the feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. I've realized underneath jealousy, underneath perfectionism, underneath staying in a toxic relationship, is that seed of "not enough."

Goodbye “Not enough.” Goodbye Unworthiness.

I am inherently worthy of joy, love, freedom and so much more.

The only validation I need is from myself.

I don’t have to be the best at anything.

I act from a place of love. From the heart.

My talents and experiences allow me to offer a simultaneously unique and relatable perspective to life.

It does not make me better or worse than anyone else.

I am enough. Just as I am. 

You are enough. Just as you are.

We are perfectly imperfect.

Escape Vs. Enrich

Last August, I started a new job and on my first day, I drew a tropical scene on my new whiteboard. A giant palm tree on the beach and a little boat leading to a structure in the distant water with a straw thatched roof. It was a reminder of where I actually wanted to be instead of in a cubicle in Chicago. Little did I know that 8 months later, I would get to see it in person. 

I had just left an unfulfilling job and taken a weeklong staycation in an effort to unwind and relax. I quickly realized that I had no idea how to relax or take it easy. I couldn't stop my heart from racing from anxiety that there wasn't enough money or time, that I should be doing more, being more, that I was not enough. I wasn't able to sit still or be with myself. After an exhausting week of trying to do nothing, there I was, back in an office, hidden from the sunny days I craved so much. New company, new desk, new people. I feared it would be more or less the same as my last job. Thankfully, it isn't.

As I've deepened my meditation practice over the past 6 weeks, life has gotten easier. I've learned how to sail with the highs and lows of life, and put into practice remaining equanimous.

"Is this really happening? Is this real life?" I've found myself saying these words countless times over the past few months and even more during this past weekend in paradise. I was in awe that I was in a picturesque Caribbean scene with white beaches and glittering turquoise water for the first time in my life. Leafy green palm trees that waved in the breeze. Serene blues, greens and whites- just like my bedroom in Chicago. 

Returning from a weekend in paradise, I noticed that I have not been struck by the post-vacation blues. I did not spend the entire weekend filled with anxiety, feeling like I had to soak up as much fun and relaxation as possible and dreading my return to reality like I normally do while on vacation. This vacation wasn't an escape from reality. It was reality. I have finally learned how to live in the moment.

Be Still

I sat alone at my dining table that is technically an ikea desk, facing the third floor view of rooftops and treetops, and ate dinner in silence. It sounds like a sad scene but it's one of the most profound moments I've had recently. Initially, there was silence. Then... I started to hear the sounds outside floating in through the open window. The warm spring breeze rustling the young leaves in old trees. The whoosh of the occasional car on the next block, fast wheels on pavement, piercing the air. The distant grumble of the train nearly a mile away. Airplane engines, transporting people with their own lives and agendas, to their destination at O'Hare. Occasional human voices. Chattering of the squirrels. Bird chirps and wing flutters as they played. Suddenly the ticking clock behind me sounded deafeningly loud. I brought my awareness into my body. The feel of the air drifting in the window and past my arms as it filled the room. I could feel my blood pumping. Slow and nearly imperceptible. The light outside had faded so gradually and suddenly that I didn't realize until I looked around and noticed I was sitting in darkness. 

I took another moment to appreciate the stillness and silence. There was no music playing, no tv show on in the background, and it allowed me to notice how much was going on around me.  

The theme of these past couple weeks has been "Be still." I have a tendency to fill all my waking moments with plans to distract myself when things get hard, but I've been consciously choosing to do less. I've been sitting with a lot of uncomfortable feelings coming up around unworthiness, jealousy, and judgement. Working through them has paved a path of gratitude for where I am in life. There are a few big trips coming up in the next month that I am looking forward to, but this awe and gratitude for life is found in the day to day, mundane moments, like eating dinner.

Quit It with the Fix It Energy

This week alone, two friends posted about it and I read it in a book. This “fix it” energy. Trying to fix other people’s problems without an invitation for advice. It’s my go-to action. Or is that a knee jerk re-action? Is anyone else guilty of this? 

I’m learning how to sit back and truly listen without barreling full steam ahead with my toolbox. I noticed it last week when a friend told me about his computer problems and I immediately started troubleshooting it. It took a while before I stopped and it hit me, like a cartoon character running headfirst into a stop sign. Bam! Dramatic fall! Ouch. He didn’t ask for help. He was just telling me about his day. 

It’s even more prevalent and more ambiguous when it comes to emotions. When someone else is sad, I try and fix it, try and find the source of it and make it all better. Is it because of my own inability to sit with my sadness? 

Yesterday, I was on this high-energy buzz of gratitude. The weather was perfect, one of my amazing coworkers gave me a cheer up self-care package full of lush products, I booked plane tickets to go to Seattle to teach yoga at a workshop (SAY WHAT?!?! More about this later!), and amazing things were happening to amazing people in my life from entrepreneurship awards to job offers. 

When I woke up this morning, I felt sad. I’ve been waking up in tears in the middle of every night this week, missing my dog (don’t fix this for me, it’s mine to own). I immediately went on Facebook, hoping for something to spark the feel good rush from yesterday. It didn’t work. The hamster wheel in my mind started turning, racing, as I tried to find the source of my sadness. The gloomy weather? Unanswered text? Not yet Saturday? Missing my dog? This break up? I suddenly stopped myself in this frantic search and realized, what does it matter? Am I just trying to find the source of the emotion so that I can change it? So that I can avoid it? I just let myself be sad, without trying to figure out why, without trying to change it. It’s okay to feel the way I feel. 

I rolled out my mat. The clouds outside literally parted and the sun came out.

Silver Linings

Silver linings and the light at the end of the tunnel.

They’re hard to see when we feel swallowed by darkness. 

I wasn’t comfortable with sharing publicly about what was happening in my life but I was able to lean on a few friends. One of the mantras I repeated before the break up was “I am well taken care of by my loved ones and the universe.” My friends helped me in various ways that played to their strengths and what they were able to offer. Some shared their experiences that paralleled mine and I was able to find strength and hope by seeing how they have moved beyond them. Some of them continued to check in with me to ask how my day is going and just be there for me.

After my post from last week, more friends have reached out to offer their support. I am touched by every single person whose lives I’ve connected with. I’m so passionate about the power of social media and its ability to be a source of positivity in our lives. Someone I’ve connected with only through Instagram reached out to me to give me a wonderful message:

“There’s always a silver lining and when you are in your darkest hour, take something from the moment and use it as a source of strength to push forward.”

I’ve been changing and healing and growing so much over the past few years that even as challenging this life decision was, I was able to approach it from the most grounded and healthy way I’ve ever handled any situation. I’ve had all the tools I need from my yoga practice, therapy, meditation, and meeting other bright souls here to provide unconditional love, that have helped me unlearn the habitual behaviors of my past and create new behaviors moving forward. 

Returning from Grief

It's been radio silence on my Instagram for about two months now. I haven't been able to come up with the energy to share, to take pictures, or to even practice asana. I've been trying to get these words out for a week and it hasn't felt right, but today, I woke up, and it all started flowing to me. 

I made a decision at the end of February that turned my world upside down. It completely changed the course of my life as I had envisioned. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I know in my heart and with all of my being, I know, that it is the best way for us to heal and grow into the best versions of ourselves. 

I couldn't get those words out without sounding vague. I post about authenticity and vulnerability. I want to be a part in ending the stigma around mental health issues. I want to bring light to the darker human experiences that we have gone through but keep hidden because of the shame in our culture around talking about them. I have so much to share with you and some day, I will. In the mean time, whatever it is you are going through, know that you are not alone. There is healing power in talking about our experiences, in connecting with others who have been through the same. There are people who can and will meet you where you are. Not everyone is ready to hear you, but know your worth, know you are worthy of unconditional love, and those who can see you and hear you, will show up.

The grief still comes in waves but time is moving at a normal pace again. No longer does a minute or an hour feel like a whole day. Through the meditation practice I've cultivated over the past few months, I have been learning how to observe my feelings. I came up with an affirmation to help me through the harder moments that I'm sharing with you.

"It's okay to feel the way I feel. There is no shame or guilt in feeling this way. This is my shadow side coming up for an opportunity to examine why I feel this way. Observe it before moving through the negativity, doubts, and sadness. This is a practice in not reacting. This is a practice in non-attachment. I trust that life/the universe/god will take me exactly where I need to be."

Open Your Heart to Magic

Open your heart to the world and breathe in the beauty.

As I have broken down the walls that I built around my heart, I feel so much more.

More love,

more expansive,

more pain.

I feel alive!

There was a period of deep deep pain that I had to move through.

By sitting with the grief and anger without pushing it away or avoiding it, I was able to dissolve it into understanding, forgiveness, and grace to make way for the magic that enters my life every day. 

Finding Balance

I spent years trying to find balance in my life. I didn't even really know what it was. I lived in extreme highs and extreme lows. It was all go go go or a halting stop. Being content with life was unfamiliar and uncomfortable to me so I swung between "life is FUCKIN AMAZING 😁😍😂" or "omg my life is in shambles 😫😭😵." I viewed balance as this elusive third unknown point between two opposites and in order to achieve it, I had to give up duality.

It was when I came to the realization that balance is contentedness and the co-existence of duality that things started to change. I had to sit with that incredibly uncomfortable concept that being content is okay and I started to find that balance wasn't something outside of myself that I had to find, it was within me all this time.

Does this resonate with you? How have you found balance? Are you still searching for it?

Living Authentically

How many times have you thought you were living honestly, authentically, truthfully, and it turns out, you’ve been trying to live someone else’s values and truth, and it’s made you literally sick to not be your own shining self? For me, it was the first 24-25 years of my life. I had no idea who I was or what I valued. The one thing I did know was that I wanted a career in something that I was passionate about. I enjoyed creating visual art (drawing, painting, photography, graphic design), I was good at, my parents always encouraged me in it, so I went to college for it. But I never felt like I belonged, not through all of art school. I always felt like a faker. I know how lucky I am to be able to go to art school and make it into a career. But it’s not me. Being real is more important to me than a fancy job title. That is MY truth.

I knew what I didn’t want to do- I didn’t want to be stationary behind a desk on a computer all day. But I didn’t know what I actually wanted. So I thought and spoke “I don’t want to work in a cubicle. I don’t want to work in a cubicle.” Guess what I manifested from the universe? That’s right. “Work in a cubicle.” That’s where I’ve been for the past 4 years.

As you embark on manifesting your dreams and desires, truly focus on what you DO want instead of what you don’t want. Some of my favorite quotes from Jim Carrey:

“How will you serve the world? What do they need that your talent can provide?”

“You can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.”

“So many of us are choosing our paths out of fear disguised as practicality.”

Even now, there are still aspects of my life that I’ve been struggling with and only recently realized it’s because I’ve been trying to live according to someone else’s values.

Compassion

Compassion is knowing that we are all doing the best we can with the tools we have and with what we know in this moment.

It's suffering WITH someone (not FOR someone, and this is also where boundaries come into play). Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön said:

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.”

I believe one of the highest forms of compassion is to hold space for someone. That means "we are willing to walk alongside another in whatever journey they’re on, without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome." Just for today, I want to spin this on its head and ask, how can we show compassion and hold space for ourselves?

How can we be accepting of who we are and what we are in this moment without judgement, without feeling inadequate, and without trying to change ourselves. You are perfectly imperfect just as you are in this moment of time.

Sometimes having compassion for ourselves is harder than having compassion for others.

Sometimes we can more readily forgive others than we can forgive ourselves. We beat ourselves up when we can't do all the things 100% of the time- have the perfect body, eat healthy, work full time, take care of family- and we think there's something wrong with is. Shame. That we are something wrong. And we spiral into negative self talk. "I'm so stupid. I'm a failure. I'm not good enough." I'm here, telling you, that you are good enough. You are perfectly imperfect just as you are in this moment of time. 

What can you do to love yourself more today?

Best Year Yet

I just hit “send” on an an application to be a photographer on Yoga Journal’s Live Be Yoga Tour. What an amazing end to 2016.

This has been the best year of my life yet and it was life-changing. I knew big changes were coming in 2016 but I really could not have imagined the magnitude of these changes in my life. I hoped I would leave the corporate world to teach yoga full time. That did not happen but I did get a new corporate job with AMAZING co-workers, so amazing that I am no longer in a rush to leave. I am not teaching yoga full time yet but I will have 2 weekly classes starting in the January!!

I made resolutions for 2016 to work up to a 6 day a week practice, even if it’s just 10 minutes long some days, and to be more selective about where I expend my energy. I can happily say that I succeeded in both resolutions and will continue to do so day after day, year after year.

2016 was a year of healing. I overcame trauma. I learned how to manage anxiety. I discovered my values and self-worth. I graduated from yoga teacher training. I started a new job. I moved (next door).

One year ago to the day, I met Lelia and she has been an empowering mentor and important part of my life. She helped me find the power within myself to do so many of these amazing things throughout the year. I found the courage to apply for this opportunity, to be detached from the outcome, to know that regardless of whether or not I am offered this opportunity, it does not dictate my worth as a person.

Thank you to everyone that has been a part of this year and my life!!

The Struggle to Love My Body

I’ve noticed lots of self deprecating humor lately from people about their body image. Where does it border on disdain and self hate? The things I’ve read are not things that they would say to someone else. 

I don’t have an epic weight loss story. I’ve stayed within the same 10 pound range for my entire adult life. So who I am I to speak on body image? I’m not here to compare stories, one up anyone or complain about my past. 

I’ve struggled with my body image, confidence and self worth for most of my life. I believed I was ugly and needed to lose weight. I put my self-worth in the way I looked. For a while, I tried to eat only 1200 calories a day, obsessive about the calories to the point that I would only eat packaged food that had a nutrition facts label. But then I binged on the weekend and would be wracked with guilt and feel like a failure. The cycle of punishment through food resumed back on Monday. I would exercise with passionate hate filled thoughts about my body, how I would never be good enough, and all the while being miserable.

When I realized counting calories wasn’t working for me, I stopped counting and ate whatever I wanted within reason. I kept working out with the goal to look a certain way. One day, I was feeling really good and confident in my strength. I compared my body to an older picture. Oh shit… I looked the more or less same. At that moment it clicked. I may never look a certain way but I FELT amazing! What had happened was a mindset shift.

I began exercising to feel good rather than solely look good. To feel good mentally and internally with my digestion. I stopped cutting away food I loved and stopped eating with guilt. I cut down on my portions by noticing when I was full (when I would take a big inhale in the middle of eating). I do exercises that I love and look forward to. I’m always learning more but the most dramatic change was in my mindset. I hope these words inspire you to be kind towards yourself and your body in your health and fitness journey and always.

Happiness is Not A Place

Loving life, loving this pose. I’m so grateful for my job and all the amazing people there. Reflecting (again) on the past year and all the changes that have occurred, I was so impatient to start teaching yoga full time and while it’s still my dream, I’m okay with letting it happen more organically, working at it a little each day with joy in my heart rather than trying to force things through gritted teeth. Taking my own advice, happiness is not a place of “I’ll be happy when ______ (fill in the blank).” It is cultivated each and every day through our thoughts, emotions and actions. A job does not determine my happiness but on this team, with this group of people, I feel like I can be myself. That ability to be authentic, for me, is freedom, peace, joy and love.

Learning How to Rest

The theme of my week so far as been rest.

I got up at my normal early time on Monday and spent the entire day sleepy and exhausted. The past two days, I went to bed early and slept in so that I could have more time for recovery.

What this yoga practice has taught me is how to distinguish when I'm being lazy and unmotivated (which isn't always a bad thing, but that's a different topic for a different day) and when I'm in need of rest and recovery.

It's a preventative measure so that I don't push myself too far and get sick. I've often avoided this resting period because I've viewed it as a form of failing, of slipping off the wagon of the strict and disciplined routine I've designed and imposed on myself. Having an all or nothing type of personality combined with being a perfectionist, I often gave up if I "messed up" even a little.

I'm getting comfortable with the idea that it doesn't have to be that way. By reflecting on my day, my week, my month and my year more often, I realize how much I have accomplished and how equally important it is to have this time of rest and play.