Deep and low.
Gritty.
The notes wrapped around me.
Tension moved from my shoulders into my heart space.
I placed my hands there and let the melody carry me.
The memories intensified.
Tears welled.
Breath caught in my throat.
Then...
sweet release.
I let myself feel.
I knew they were tears of joy, of gratitude for where I am now. Those descriptors weren't quite accurate but I just let myself feel. My hands drew the pain of the past from my heart, from my body, and into the ether to be carried away with the music.
I now realize the main feeling was relief.
Relief that the past is behind me and that I no longer have to carry it with me.
Relief that the present and future are brighter and filled with more love than I knew possible.
Relief that my reality is no longer filled with fear.
Relief and gratitude for the people in my life that have been along for this same ride of healing from trauma. Who have walked through fire and come out the other side with hearts even more open, understanding, accepting, and compassionate.
The past 6 weeks have been intense and full of beautiful, life-changing, and new experiences, as well as the gunk of the painful past coming up to be healed. I went on first dates. I went camping for the first time. I let myself be dirty. I assisted a yoga class in front of a hundred people. I danced my heart out. I'm learning to love myself in a way that I didn't know was possible. I am receiving love in ways that I've never experienced before. I went to Italy. I watched one of my best friends get married in front of awe-inspiring mountains. I jumped off a cliff into the sea. I lost all the photos I had taken this summer when my phone was stolen. I confronted my fear of confrontation. I said goodbye to people. I said no to things that did not feel right for me. I recognized the deep feeling of emptiness and unworthiness that was unconsciously dictating my actions and creating unhealthy habits. Each experience comes with its own set of lessons.
I disconnected from social media when I left for the beach yoga camping retreat at the beginning of August and expected myself to return to a regular posting schedule when I returned but I have not been able to get the words out so I've let myself live and experience without needing to write or share. Stay tuned. I'm now feeling inspired to write about these lessons in the coming weeks and months.