Relief from Trauma

Deep and low.

Gritty.

The notes wrapped around me.

Tension moved from my shoulders into my heart space.

I placed my hands there and let the melody carry me.

The memories intensified.

Tears welled.

Breath caught in my throat.

Then...

sweet release.

I let myself feel.

I knew they were tears of joy, of gratitude for where I am now. Those descriptors weren't quite accurate but I just let myself feel. My hands drew the pain of the past from my heart, from my body, and into the ether to be carried away with the music. 

I now realize the main feeling was relief.

Relief that the past is behind me and that I no longer have to carry it with me.

Relief that the present and future are brighter and filled with more love than I knew possible.

Relief that my reality is no longer filled with fear.

Relief and gratitude for the people in my life that have been along for this same ride of healing from trauma. Who have walked through fire and come out the other side with hearts even more open, understanding, accepting, and compassionate. 

The past 6 weeks have been intense and full of beautiful, life-changing, and new experiences, as well as the gunk of the painful past coming up to be healed. I went on first dates. I went camping for the first time. I let myself be dirty. I assisted a yoga class in front of a hundred people. I danced my heart out. I'm learning to love myself in a way that I didn't know was possible. I am receiving love in ways that I've never experienced before. I went to Italy. I watched one of my best friends get married in front of awe-inspiring mountains. I jumped off a cliff into the sea. I lost all the photos I had taken this summer when my phone was stolen. I confronted my fear of confrontation. I said goodbye to people. I said no to things that did not feel right for me. I recognized the deep feeling of emptiness and unworthiness that was unconsciously dictating my actions and creating unhealthy habits. Each experience comes with its own set of lessons. 
I disconnected from social media when I left for the beach yoga camping retreat at the beginning of August and expected myself to return to a regular posting schedule when I returned but I have not been able to get the words out so I've let myself live and experience without needing to write or share. Stay tuned. I'm now feeling inspired to write about these lessons in the coming weeks and months.

Silver Linings

Silver linings and the light at the end of the tunnel.

They’re hard to see when we feel swallowed by darkness. 

I wasn’t comfortable with sharing publicly about what was happening in my life but I was able to lean on a few friends. One of the mantras I repeated before the break up was “I am well taken care of by my loved ones and the universe.” My friends helped me in various ways that played to their strengths and what they were able to offer. Some shared their experiences that paralleled mine and I was able to find strength and hope by seeing how they have moved beyond them. Some of them continued to check in with me to ask how my day is going and just be there for me.

After my post from last week, more friends have reached out to offer their support. I am touched by every single person whose lives I’ve connected with. I’m so passionate about the power of social media and its ability to be a source of positivity in our lives. Someone I’ve connected with only through Instagram reached out to me to give me a wonderful message:

“There’s always a silver lining and when you are in your darkest hour, take something from the moment and use it as a source of strength to push forward.”

I’ve been changing and healing and growing so much over the past few years that even as challenging this life decision was, I was able to approach it from the most grounded and healthy way I’ve ever handled any situation. I’ve had all the tools I need from my yoga practice, therapy, meditation, and meeting other bright souls here to provide unconditional love, that have helped me unlearn the habitual behaviors of my past and create new behaviors moving forward. 

Best Year Yet

I just hit “send” on an an application to be a photographer on Yoga Journal’s Live Be Yoga Tour. What an amazing end to 2016.

This has been the best year of my life yet and it was life-changing. I knew big changes were coming in 2016 but I really could not have imagined the magnitude of these changes in my life. I hoped I would leave the corporate world to teach yoga full time. That did not happen but I did get a new corporate job with AMAZING co-workers, so amazing that I am no longer in a rush to leave. I am not teaching yoga full time yet but I will have 2 weekly classes starting in the January!!

I made resolutions for 2016 to work up to a 6 day a week practice, even if it’s just 10 minutes long some days, and to be more selective about where I expend my energy. I can happily say that I succeeded in both resolutions and will continue to do so day after day, year after year.

2016 was a year of healing. I overcame trauma. I learned how to manage anxiety. I discovered my values and self-worth. I graduated from yoga teacher training. I started a new job. I moved (next door).

One year ago to the day, I met Lelia and she has been an empowering mentor and important part of my life. She helped me find the power within myself to do so many of these amazing things throughout the year. I found the courage to apply for this opportunity, to be detached from the outcome, to know that regardless of whether or not I am offered this opportunity, it does not dictate my worth as a person.

Thank you to everyone that has been a part of this year and my life!!