My Daily Meditation Practice

I started a daily mindfulness meditation practice a couple months ago after 5 years of meditating on and off and wow, it has brought so much grounding, spaciousness, and clarity into my mind.

It’s a simple practice with 3 steps:

1. Take a seat.
This means coming into your body and into awareness with being here now. I had been meditating with a stack of blankets and pillows, feeling a bit wobbly, and my meditation teacher @dinaviesalazar suggested that I get a buckwheat meditation cushion. This one from @florensicollection came into my life and I freakin loooove it (Frida loves it too 😻 and we both love how it’s a woman owned business based in Austin TX!)
.
2. Bring your attention to your breath.

3. Whenever the mind wanders, note it as thinking, and simply return to the breath.

Sooo I’ve been meditating on and off for 5 years and we hear things like “clear your mind” and get caught up in this loop like “oh sh*t I’m thinking again, bad! Go back to the breath!” and all of that mental looping creates more chaos and make us feel like if we think, we’re doing it wrong. I’ve even had people tell me “I’m bad at meditating, I can’t clear my mind.” Haha welllll that’s part of the practice.

It’s a practice of compassion and observation. Our mind naturally wanders and we’re simply the observer to notice where it goes. And when it does wander we simply notice it, and with kindness, gentleness, and compassion, we go back to the breath. Over time, we can keep our attention on our breath for longer and longer, while remembering that every day is different. It’s like weight training for the mind, building the muscle to stay grounded and centered no matter what’s happening around us.

Some days my mind is an unruly child that does NOT want to sit and notice and those days are challenging, but I also know that by simply showing up, I’m creating a pattern of consistency, reliability, and trust within myself.

💖

How Are You Celebrating Yourself?

Celebrating you for crossing one thing off your to-do list.
Celebrating you for writing one paragraph of your book.
Celebrating you for sending out that email.
Celebrating you for making one new connection.

It's the little actions that create habits and become a new way of being.

In my work with my clients, we start every session with the question "what are your wins and what are you celebrating?"

We (my clients and myself) all have a pattern of perfectionism.
To only look at what's next without looking back at the work we've accomplished.
To keep our work hidden until it's absolutely perfect before showing it to the world.
To wait and wait and wait in inaction until everything is perfectly lined up, until we get approval, until the moon is in the right phase and all the planets are direct, before we finally DO THE THING.
To accomplish MAJOR things and still think "yeah, but... it could have been better" or "yeah... but I still haven't done XYZ so it's not good enough yet."

If we only wait until the final final final thing is completed or accomplished, we're showing our psyche along the entire journey that it's not good enough. When we finally DO get to that thing we've been wanting, it falls flat and we're dissatisfied. We feel like there should still be more, because that's what we've been training our brain this whole time.

If you have a pattern of perfectionism and imposter syndrome, I invite you to start seeing how you're already doing The Thing, and after each small victory, ask "how can I celebrate this?"

It might be as simple as a 10 second butt shake around your living room, or arms up in the air in a victorious "YES!"

You got this. You are on your way and I'm celebrating you!

x
Mona

Do you ever doubt yourself?

She asked, “do you ever doubt yourself? Or compare yourself?”

And I bust out laughing.

The answer?

Every. Fuckin. Day.

I quit my 9-5 corporate job in October to pursue running my coaching and yoga business full-time while also moving to a new city (all or nothin’ babe).

It has been such a hard journey that’s dug up alllllllllll of my unhealed shadows to be faced. Even things I thought I moved past came up for healing on a deeper level.

The thought, “maybe I should go back into corporate design…” has crossed my mind nearly every single day.

I get caught in the endless scrolling on social media, seeing what the other coaches from my training program are up to and I compare compare compare, feeling shittier with every swipe.

Comparison shows where I am still insecure. It used to be around my body. I would scrutinize how I looked in photos compared to my friends, compared to past versions of myself, never satisfied.

Now it’s around business since I’m not yet where I want to be and wondering every day what I’m doing wrong, forgetting to see what I’m doing right.

I’ve embraced that fear, self-doubt, and comparison are part of the process. Maybe comparison goes away, but fear and self-doubt doesn’t. In honest conversations with people I admire who are doing the things I want to be doing, I’ve learned that fear and doubt still affect them. It shows up every time we edge our comfort zone.

This is where discernment comes into play. Is the doubt and fear showing up because I’m on the wrong path or because I’m doing something new and uncomfortable?

It’s usually the latter.

The knowing that I’m on the RIGHT path is an expansive and grounded sensation in my body.

The fear and doubt of stepping out of my comfort zone show up in my head as racing thoughts and anxiety. It’s heady and airy and spins me dizzy.

I thank the fear for trying to keep me safe within what’s known and familiar. I take a deep breath and remember that I’m capable, that I’ve done hard things before, and that I can trust myself now.

I am safe. I am okay. I can handle anything that comes my way.

Thanks @dariaxtaylor for asking the best questions and taking THE BEST photos of me.

Grief and Joy

And just like that, in a single week, I started a dream job and also laid my dog to rest.

The entire month of July, I was holding so much excitement for life-changing possibilities with the new job AND so much grief as I watched Jeff get sicker by the day, from a high energy dog who could play and run all day to one who could barely stand up or lay down without immense effort.

The practices I’ve done over the years in meditation, yoga, and therapy, have all been training me for this period of time. Every day over the past few weeks, I’ve allowed myself to dive into the depths of grief, to feel my heart ache, and express full-body sobs AND dance and laugh and jump around like a loon overcome with joy.

The depths to which we allow ourselves the gift of feeling our shadows of grief, sadness, anger, guilt, and shame, is the height in which we can experience our light of joy, freedom, abundance, bliss, and love.

It’s okay to feel it all, even at the same time.

Feeling of Fulfilment

That feeling of fulfillment that you’re searching for?

Maybe you’re looking for it in the next job, the perfect partner, where you live, or the next vacation.

But it’s just that- a feeling.

It comes from within you.

From slowing down enough to quiet the external voices.

To clear out the noise long enough to hear your own heart.

It comes from full presence and connection with your inner and outer world.

It’s in hearing your own breath.

It’s in feeling the subtle hum of your body.

It’s in watching a father teach his daughter how to skip rocks.

It’s in the way the sidewalk glitters.

It’s in the sprouts in the cement cracks bursting to the light.

It’s in the fur of your dog’s ear.

Fulfillment is right here, right now.

Pause long enough to feel it.

Recieving

.:: R E C E I V I N G ::.
.
How do you receive love? Rest? The story of Monet in this booklet is helping me flip my perspective around work and rest, work and play, and judgements around laziness. I often feel like when I’m resting or not doing anything, that I’m being lazy, and then I fall into this shame spiral that causes me to numb out in front of Netflix for an entire day because I’m so overwhelmed. But if I allow myself a true reset WITHOUT guilt and shame, then creativity just FLOWS. Astrologically speaking, we’re coming out of a period of rest but I still find this message equally important.
.:.
How are you receiving right now? How do you want to be receiving? Do you allow yourself to receive? Is it uncomfortable to receive? How can you practice so that it gets a little easier each time? What possibilities are there if you allow yourself you receive with your whole heart?
.:.
Sacred Rebels Oracle by @alana_fairchild
Artwork by @autumnskyeart

Taking Up Space

.:. TAKING UP S P A C E .:.
I was at one of those order then sit restaurants. It was busy with lots of people standing around, waiting for take out orders, but only about a third of the tables were taken. I was there by myself and wanted a booth but the only one available was a 4-top. In fact, most of the tables were 4-tops.
.:.
My mind immediately went to how I shouldn’t take a big table in case other people wanted to sit. I found a little 2 person high top that was in between other people and then I stopped.
.:.
Wait a second. There are so many empty tables. Why can’t I just take the one that I want? Why do I feel the need to cram myself in between a bunch of other people and use this little table? I turned around and took the 4-top with the booth seating.
.:.
How often of you try to make yourself as small as possible?
How often do you accept second best?
How often do you think that you are not worthy of nice things or what you really want?
.:.
You are worthy of the 4-top booth. You are worthy of taking up space. You are worthy of being seen and heard. ✨

Allow Yourself to Rest Without Guilt

Stillness is okay too. In fact, it’s necessary. Life has been turbulent for far too long. Allow yourself to rest without guilt. Still does not equate to stagnant. If you look closely, you’ll see that there are still waves, smaller actions happening. Stillness may be uncomfortable. You may enjoy the swells of hurricanes, but even those have a moment of calm. You are exactly where you need to be. There are lessons to be learned even if, especially if, you allow the stillness and the quiet.

Body Image

Let’s talk :: B O D Y I M A G E ::

This photo was taken at a magnificent waterfall in Costa Rica, which was my ideal image of Costa Rica, and what drew me there in the first place. But something was off. I felt kinda bleh all day. Something wasn’t living up to my expectations. I felt separate even though I was in a group. But I hadn’t been able to put words to it yet, just a bleghh feeling. A guttural sound. I didn’t realize what I was feeling or why was until dinner time: I had been self conscious about my body all day!! I was in PARADISE and my mind was still in a loop of comparing and judging.

I was surrounded by beautiful women and I was comparing my body to theirs.

I brought this up during our dinner when I realized it. Our retreat leader, Camille, asked the group who has ever felt self conscious about their body. And it looked like that scene from Mean Girls when they were asked to “raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by Regina George.” Every. single. hand went up. One of them shared with me, “it’s all internal. Even though I know I look good, I usually don’t feel it.”

This is all coming up for me today and being tied together with the body shame that’s rampant in the Chinese culture (and many other cultures too). From my earliest memories to around 13 years old, I was told, what seemed like on a daily basis, that I was too skinny. Then one day, it was like a switch flipped and I was told I was fat. I was also criticized for things about my body that were outside of my control such as the color of my skin, the size of my eyes, the length of my eyelashes, and the size of the hands and feet.

It’s taken me years to feel good about myself and my body on most days, but all it takes is one comment to send me back into that negative spiral.

So here’s to you, my fellow human, who has probably also experienced body shame:

You are beautiful. You are loved. You are perfectly imperfect. You are enough.

Say it again and again, make it a mantra, until you believe it.

I am beautiful. I am loved. I am perfectly imperfect. I am enough. ✨

The Wild Will Not Be Tamed

Look inside- what do you see?
I see a girl
who was caged,
broken and scared.

I see a girl
who was fed
projections and lies.

I see a girl
who called herself a chameleon
because she could adapt
to any situation-
but in reality
she was hiding,
shrinking into the background
so that she would not be noticed
and picked on
and picked apart
by the vultures
by the spiteful words
disguised as love.

The wild
will not be tamed.
I see a girl
who was caged.
She was told
she was too wild.
Too wild 
to be seen. 
Too wild
for the American Dream.

I see a girl
who has worn
mask after mask
to fit in,
to fit the image.
I see a girl
who has built up 
wall after wall
to protect herself.
She believed
her true self was
too wild
too much
and simultaneously
not enough.

I see a girl
who was caged
broken and scared.

Look again.
What do you see?

I see a woman
who saw
a crack of light
through the masks
of darkness.

I see a woman
who let her heart
crack open
to the possibilities. 

I see a woman
who found safety
and started to
quietly
secretly
tell her story.

I see a woman
who has taken off
mask after mask
broken down
wall after wall.

I see a woman
who has met
her true self,
the one
that was there
all along.

I see a woman
who is trusting
her own voice
her own intuition
her own guidance
her own path.

I see a woman
who has broken the cage.
She runs free and wild.

The Wild Will Not Be Tamed.


First published on Elephant Journal.

You Deserve Good Things

You deserve good things.

Love, abundance, freedom, all that you desire is flowing to you. You are well taken care of by your loved ones and the universe.

Do you ever feel suspicious or cautious when things are going well? Are you waiting for the other shoe to drop? Do you doubt that good things can happen to you?

"Abundance flows freely to me and I am well taken care of by my loved ones and the Universe.”

I repeated this mantra in some of my most anxious times. But sometimes I didn't fully believe it. I've grown up with a mentality that I have to do all this work and prove myself in order for good things to come my way, and if I let my guard down or rest for even one moment, it could all go to shit. A fear-based mentality. I started to shift my mindset and TRUST that good things and abundance will come no matter what.

Our worth is not dependent on how well we perform.

Our worth is inherent.

Give yourself permission to rest and trust that good things are here, and good things will continue to stay in your life.

Speak positive intention into the world about what you DO want.

Release expectations and attachment.

Even when the tides roll in and stir shit up, remember that everything is Another Freaking Growth Opportunity. 

Waking Up From Winter

I can breathe again.

Daylight saving time began. Spring is on its way. 

This winter was one of the hardest I’ve had in years. Seasonal affective disorder is no joke. The depression feels like a deep ache in the core of my being, a permeating sadness regardless of how good life is. 

I tried to do everything that the articles recommended. Mindfulness, yoga, vitamin D, sun lamp, good diet, exercise, therapy, socialization, gratitude. I didn’t fall back on my usual vices of shopping and sugar to distract or numb. I even went to Costa Rica and had one of the most blissful weeks of my life! But all it took to send me back into depression was a single gust of cold Chicago wind one evening. I tried everything short of taking medication and permanently moving to a sunny locale. All of this effort was just to feel OK. Some days, all I could do after work was get on my mat and cry, exhausted from a day of holding myself together. 
This winter taught me two things:

This depression lives in my body. I am an advocate for mental health but all of those practices were just to feel okay. Next year, I will treat this as a disorder in my body and not just my mind. I will no longer deny the way I feel. I will no longer deny that I NEED sun and warmth every day to feel okay. I do not need to just “grow thicker skin” or toughen up. I will trust the way I feel. It is okay to be having a different experience of winter and lack of sunlight than most people around me. 

I learned that one of the most important things to me is to feel like I BELONG.

The difference between belonging and fitting in: Belonging is being accepted exactly as you are. Fitting in often requires changing who you are or aspects about yourself in order to blend in or be accepted. Fitting in is conditional acceptance. This winter, I was in a workplace that had so much negativity and judgment flying around that I shrunk into myself and disconnected myself from my coworkers in efforts to protect myself. I felt out of place. I refused to attempt to fit in and connect through negativity. Fortunately, I was able to renew my contract with Walgreens and return to a place that feels like home. Where I belong. ❤

Jungle Goddess

My time in Costa Rica on the Jungle Goddess retreat was more amazing than I imagined it could be. I experienced love and connection at a whole new level. It was a week of love, connection, loving words, feeling like I belonged, feeling accepted, feeling safe and held and cared for. I ate food created with love and did not have to think about my meals for the entire week, which allowed me more capacity to focus on healing, connecting, and growing. With all the space that was held for me to feel safe, I was able to courageously explore.

I walked barefoot through the jungle alongside my sisters.

I walked alone through the jungle.

I swam in Caribbean Sea with my sisters.

I swam alone.

I climbed into a cove past sea urchins to see the most magnificent natural archway I have ever laid eyes on.

It took my breath away.

I climbed slippery rocks and trees.

I released everything and ran naked into the ocean. 

I connected with my Self. 

The yoga classes were filled with loving words and affirmations that held me and empowered me. The DANCEmandala classes were beyond what I expected. They were a movement and stillness meditation. I felt it all in my body. They took me through the entire gamut of my emotions. By the end of the week, my mind was quiet enough and I had released all the stress, negativity, and anxiety from my day to day life, that I was able to hear my heart's whisper. I could hear my intuition and my truth. The message of trusting myself, my intuition, and the Universe kept coming to me over and over and over again and I felt it, I heard it, and then one of the healers said it, just to affirm all of it and tie it up with a pretty bow. As I laid my head down at night, what played through my mind was the loving words and images from the day. I could see and hear Camille saying "You are a Goddess."

I connected with my Tribe.

It amazes me how deeply we are able to connect with each other when we let our walls down. The women I spent this week with are my sisters, my mirrors, my soulmates. I held space and simply listened. The same was returned for me. I was able to freely express my love for them. I could say "I love you" after knowing them for less than 24 hours. We blessed each other with the waterfall of Aloha and we received that love for ourselves each time. I belong here.

I connected with Mother Nature.

I hugged trees. I felt mud squish between my toes. For my entire life, I've been called to surfing and I finally got to get on a board for the first time! I felt it all: the waves, the water, the tide. I felt mother ocean pull me and push me. My surf instructor told me again and again to relaaaax (boy, I've never heard that before). I started to find my balance and center on the board. I felt what it was like to be literally on top of a wave, and for it to bring me to shore.

Relaxing is trusting. I stopped the need to get it right, to get it perfect every time. I just trusted and knew that each time I started to paddle and stand up, that it was practice.

And that's all this life is.

Practice.

Hello World. I Am Here.

My surroundings are gray, linear, and structured. To some, this might sound like the ideal dream. Not to me. My spirit is being crushed beneath the confines of the monotony. My spirit desires to float, create, weave, and twirl. Organic and intuitive. I am in a box. A room within a block building in a city built upon a grid. Again, to some, this is exactly what they want. I feel inauthentic. I feel out of place. I am a dreamer, an intuitive, a creative, a healer. I yearn to be in nature, to heal the world through storytelling, plant medicine, and body work. I am here to help people feel good in their bodies and their minds. I am here to teach, guide and inspire through my own experiences. 

No more of this "means to an end" bullshit. What the hell is the "end" anyways? I resolve to stop putting my life on hold until I achieve this thing or that thing. I resolve to stop trying to fit my life into a plan. We all know how plans go. I intend to make my daily life, in all the mundane parts of it, aligned to the way I want to feel and to my core. I intend to Aim True.

Body and Tribe.

2015 was a year of connecting with my body through a yoga practice. The outward form, the expression of yoga postures, came easily to me and after a lifetime of low self-esteem, this helped to build my confidence in myself. I started to see how capable and strong I was. It was the year that I had a profound moment of knowing that yoga was the path I was to walk. It was the year that I began to attract the people in my life that would help me heal and transform. My tribe. 

Mind and Spirit.

2016 was a year of connecting with a spiritual practice and of recognizing and healing emotional trauma. It was a year of recognizing my mental and emotional resilience. It was the year that I started to ask "who am I?" It was the year that the facade and walls crumbled and the image of my true self started to emerge. 

Release and Explore.

2017 was a year of releasing toxic relationships and mentalities that no longer served me. It was the year that the vision of my future exploded and the year that I rebuilt. It was the year that I learned about who I was as a person. It was the year that I learned how to love myself without a partner. It was the year that I explored the country and the world. It was the year that I found freedom.

2018

I have no idea how this year will pan out. I learned and grew more in the past 3 years than I ever imagined possible. None of it was planned. My intention for this year is to use my voice and SHINE. Hello world. I am here. 

What Does Love Mean To You?

For years, I had taken someone else's belief about love as my own truth. "Love is when you care about someone so much that you would sacrifice anything for them." Sounds poetic. But upon further investigation, I realized something deeply disturbing about this belief. It's incredibly exclusive. With this belief, I couldn't love very many people. There were few people that I was willing to sacrifice anything for. It exposed me to manipulation. It became a game and a power trip. He used this definition of love to boast about how much he had sacrificed for me as a way of showing me how much he loved me. If I wasn't sacrificing enough, then I wasn't really proving that I loved him enough. "If you loved me, you would..." I did everything he wanted in order to try and prove my love. In the end, it wasn't enough. It was never enough and it would never be enough. 

How is it possible to love yourself with this belief?

I was so desperate and hungry for love I that took anything that sounded romantic and ran with it. 

I've spent the past few years learning how to love myself, becoming comfortable with telling my best friends that I love them, becoming comfortable with being more free and open with my love. I read the following quote yesterday and it is now one of my many NEW definitions of love. 

Love is gratitude to someone for the grace of their presence on this Earth, without expecting anything in return.
-Camille, This American Girl

I love you. Yes, you. ✨💛

Relief from Trauma

Deep and low.

Gritty.

The notes wrapped around me.

Tension moved from my shoulders into my heart space.

I placed my hands there and let the melody carry me.

The memories intensified.

Tears welled.

Breath caught in my throat.

Then...

sweet release.

I let myself feel.

I knew they were tears of joy, of gratitude for where I am now. Those descriptors weren't quite accurate but I just let myself feel. My hands drew the pain of the past from my heart, from my body, and into the ether to be carried away with the music. 

I now realize the main feeling was relief.

Relief that the past is behind me and that I no longer have to carry it with me.

Relief that the present and future are brighter and filled with more love than I knew possible.

Relief that my reality is no longer filled with fear.

Relief and gratitude for the people in my life that have been along for this same ride of healing from trauma. Who have walked through fire and come out the other side with hearts even more open, understanding, accepting, and compassionate. 

The past 6 weeks have been intense and full of beautiful, life-changing, and new experiences, as well as the gunk of the painful past coming up to be healed. I went on first dates. I went camping for the first time. I let myself be dirty. I assisted a yoga class in front of a hundred people. I danced my heart out. I'm learning to love myself in a way that I didn't know was possible. I am receiving love in ways that I've never experienced before. I went to Italy. I watched one of my best friends get married in front of awe-inspiring mountains. I jumped off a cliff into the sea. I lost all the photos I had taken this summer when my phone was stolen. I confronted my fear of confrontation. I said goodbye to people. I said no to things that did not feel right for me. I recognized the deep feeling of emptiness and unworthiness that was unconsciously dictating my actions and creating unhealthy habits. Each experience comes with its own set of lessons. 
I disconnected from social media when I left for the beach yoga camping retreat at the beginning of August and expected myself to return to a regular posting schedule when I returned but I have not been able to get the words out so I've let myself live and experience without needing to write or share. Stay tuned. I'm now feeling inspired to write about these lessons in the coming weeks and months.

Not Enough

The story. The script. The line. The lie.

The one that whispers so sweetly that I've always let it in. The one that waits just at the edge of my mind, jumping in at every chance. Clawing its way over me, bearing down, until I shrink and retreat. The one that's disguised itself so flawlessly that it's taken years to finally recognize and unmask. The one that says "you are not enough."

I have let this line, this lie, operate my life. “You are not enough.” Not tall enough. Not thin enough. Not smart enough. Not making enough. Not sacrificing enough. Not doing enough. Not being enough. Not good enough. Not enough.

There are two sides to this story.

One side is how it’s held me back. How I spent years battling with my body image, feeling like there was something wrong with me because from early memories, I was told I was too short, too dark skinned, and too skinny, then suddenly too heavy, and all sorts of other “flaws” that I had no control over. How I didn't see my talent and value in my work. How I’ve felt unlovable, like no one would love me if they knew the real me, if they knew the shameful parts of my past, and I didn’t deserve better. There are so many stories that I could fill an entire book’s worth.

The flip side is how it’s propelled me forward. How I ranked in the top 10% of my high school graduating class despite all the hardships at home. How I've designed for some of the biggest companies in Chicago and the country. How I’ve managed to be a designer, photographer, and yoga teacher. How I continue to challenge myself and be the best version of myself. How I continue to dream big to make a positive impact in this world.

I swing between extremes.

I felt like I wasn’t enough so I over compensated. I felt the need to prove myself and be the best at every single thing I did, becoming a perfectionist. Other times, I didn’t try at all because, why bother, it wouldn't be perfect anyways, right? I felt unworthy and sought external validation to tell me otherwise. I judged everyone. I silently tore down other people so that I could feel better about myself. If anyone else succeeded at what I wanted, I pretended that I didn’t want it that badly.

Recently, I was examining how jealousy shows up for me and I traced it back to the feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. I've realized underneath jealousy, underneath perfectionism, underneath staying in a toxic relationship, is that seed of "not enough."

Goodbye “Not enough.” Goodbye Unworthiness.

I am inherently worthy of joy, love, freedom and so much more.

The only validation I need is from myself.

I don’t have to be the best at anything.

I act from a place of love. From the heart.

My talents and experiences allow me to offer a simultaneously unique and relatable perspective to life.

It does not make me better or worse than anyone else.

I am enough. Just as I am. 

You are enough. Just as you are.

We are perfectly imperfect.

Quit It with the Fix It Energy

This week alone, two friends posted about it and I read it in a book. This “fix it” energy. Trying to fix other people’s problems without an invitation for advice. It’s my go-to action. Or is that a knee jerk re-action? Is anyone else guilty of this? 

I’m learning how to sit back and truly listen without barreling full steam ahead with my toolbox. I noticed it last week when a friend told me about his computer problems and I immediately started troubleshooting it. It took a while before I stopped and it hit me, like a cartoon character running headfirst into a stop sign. Bam! Dramatic fall! Ouch. He didn’t ask for help. He was just telling me about his day. 

It’s even more prevalent and more ambiguous when it comes to emotions. When someone else is sad, I try and fix it, try and find the source of it and make it all better. Is it because of my own inability to sit with my sadness? 

Yesterday, I was on this high-energy buzz of gratitude. The weather was perfect, one of my amazing coworkers gave me a cheer up self-care package full of lush products, I booked plane tickets to go to Seattle to teach yoga at a workshop (SAY WHAT?!?! More about this later!), and amazing things were happening to amazing people in my life from entrepreneurship awards to job offers. 

When I woke up this morning, I felt sad. I’ve been waking up in tears in the middle of every night this week, missing my dog (don’t fix this for me, it’s mine to own). I immediately went on Facebook, hoping for something to spark the feel good rush from yesterday. It didn’t work. The hamster wheel in my mind started turning, racing, as I tried to find the source of my sadness. The gloomy weather? Unanswered text? Not yet Saturday? Missing my dog? This break up? I suddenly stopped myself in this frantic search and realized, what does it matter? Am I just trying to find the source of the emotion so that I can change it? So that I can avoid it? I just let myself be sad, without trying to figure out why, without trying to change it. It’s okay to feel the way I feel. 

I rolled out my mat. The clouds outside literally parted and the sun came out.

Best Year Yet

I just hit “send” on an an application to be a photographer on Yoga Journal’s Live Be Yoga Tour. What an amazing end to 2016.

This has been the best year of my life yet and it was life-changing. I knew big changes were coming in 2016 but I really could not have imagined the magnitude of these changes in my life. I hoped I would leave the corporate world to teach yoga full time. That did not happen but I did get a new corporate job with AMAZING co-workers, so amazing that I am no longer in a rush to leave. I am not teaching yoga full time yet but I will have 2 weekly classes starting in the January!!

I made resolutions for 2016 to work up to a 6 day a week practice, even if it’s just 10 minutes long some days, and to be more selective about where I expend my energy. I can happily say that I succeeded in both resolutions and will continue to do so day after day, year after year.

2016 was a year of healing. I overcame trauma. I learned how to manage anxiety. I discovered my values and self-worth. I graduated from yoga teacher training. I started a new job. I moved (next door).

One year ago to the day, I met Lelia and she has been an empowering mentor and important part of my life. She helped me find the power within myself to do so many of these amazing things throughout the year. I found the courage to apply for this opportunity, to be detached from the outcome, to know that regardless of whether or not I am offered this opportunity, it does not dictate my worth as a person.

Thank you to everyone that has been a part of this year and my life!!

The Struggle to Love My Body

I’ve noticed lots of self deprecating humor lately from people about their body image. Where does it border on disdain and self hate? The things I’ve read are not things that they would say to someone else. 

I don’t have an epic weight loss story. I’ve stayed within the same 10 pound range for my entire adult life. So who I am I to speak on body image? I’m not here to compare stories, one up anyone or complain about my past. 

I’ve struggled with my body image, confidence and self worth for most of my life. I believed I was ugly and needed to lose weight. I put my self-worth in the way I looked. For a while, I tried to eat only 1200 calories a day, obsessive about the calories to the point that I would only eat packaged food that had a nutrition facts label. But then I binged on the weekend and would be wracked with guilt and feel like a failure. The cycle of punishment through food resumed back on Monday. I would exercise with passionate hate filled thoughts about my body, how I would never be good enough, and all the while being miserable.

When I realized counting calories wasn’t working for me, I stopped counting and ate whatever I wanted within reason. I kept working out with the goal to look a certain way. One day, I was feeling really good and confident in my strength. I compared my body to an older picture. Oh shit… I looked the more or less same. At that moment it clicked. I may never look a certain way but I FELT amazing! What had happened was a mindset shift.

I began exercising to feel good rather than solely look good. To feel good mentally and internally with my digestion. I stopped cutting away food I loved and stopped eating with guilt. I cut down on my portions by noticing when I was full (when I would take a big inhale in the middle of eating). I do exercises that I love and look forward to. I’m always learning more but the most dramatic change was in my mindset. I hope these words inspire you to be kind towards yourself and your body in your health and fitness journey and always.