Wildly in Love with Life

My life looks nothing like it did in 2014. It was the year of my rockbottom moment AND the year I started practicing yoga daily and started to change my life.

At the beginning of 2014, I…

- lived in a city with brutal winters that I hated
- worked a soul sucking job that I dreaded waking up for.
- was in a relationship where I always felt like I was walking on eggshells, felt guilty all the time, and had so many blowout fights that involved things being thrown, walls punched, and cops being called on us.
- would explode into uncontrollable rage behind closed doors.
- had a lifetime of unaddressed complex trauma.
- couldn’t make a decision to save my life.
- hated my body and punished myself by trying to eat 1200 calories a day and exercise out of hatred. I would stand in front of the mirror and squeeze the fat on my stomach, wishing it would go away.
- hated my skin color. I hated being Asian.
- ate out nearly every meal even though I couldn’t afford it. The thought of cooking brought me to tears.
- always had cystic acne on my face.
- was always cleaning up after my ex.
- had zero connection to spirituality.

Now I…

- live in a dream quiet surf town with an amazing view of the bay and mountains and sunshine everyday!!!
- get to do work I am madly in love with and connect with amaaaazing people.
- am in a healthy, loving, and respectful partnership where we can talk through anything.
- know how to manage my emotions.
- LOVE my body even though it looks the same! Eating healthy isn’t something I need to think about anymore. It’s just my way of life. I still have the same amount of fat on my belly but I love my softness.
- love my dark skin and am accepting my race.
- make most meals at home and dance around my kitchen while cooking.
- have clear skin!
- have a home that’s clean, spacious, filled with light, and my partner and I share the housework.
- am connected to my Higher Self, the Goddesses, nature, and the collective.

Along the way, I've learned soooo many healing modalities and I want to share them with you.

Are you ready to take radical responsibility and live a dream life that you are wildly in love with?

Send an e-mail to Mona@monalunalove.com if you’re ready to transform. 🐛 🦋

Let The Masks Fall

Let the masks fall.
No, not those masks. The ones that hide your true self.
The ones you put up out of shame.
The ones you use to "protect" yourself from letting the real you be seen and be free.
Maybe someone told you that you weren't good enough
and that you'd be better if you were like them
or them
or them.

So you try to be like them.
Or maybe you've been doing it for so long
that you don't know any other way.
But your soul, your very spirit
is aching withering calling out.

To be seen
To be loved
Just as you are.

Let the masks fall.
Those who love you will catch you
and love you for you
until you learn how to love yourself
for all of you.

Let the masks fall.
You are loved
You are celebrated
Just as you are.
x Mona 🦋

Rags to Riches

We love a rags to riches success story.
And we’ve heard this phrase countless times- “hard work pays off.”

And while these can be helpful and inspirational, its also led myself and so many women that I’ve worked with to place our worthiness in the struggle.

The belief that it’s only valid and worthwhile if it’s really f*cking hard, and if it was easy, then something must be wrong.

This belief kept me in a toxic and abusive relationship for over a decade because “it’s worth fighting for.”

This belief has led me to constantly think I wasn’t doing enough at my design jobs because they were easy. It’s kept me in shame about growing up with privilege like always having a roof over my head and food on the table, and having my college tuition mostly paid for.

It kept me believing that I am only worthy and valid to speak about making dreams come true if I came from poverty.

It’s led me to place my worthiness and validation in the trauma and the struggles that I’ve overcome.

Hey.

It can be easy.

You are worthy no matter what.

No matter where you came from, no matter what you did or didn’t overcome, no matter what privilege or struggle you’ve had.

You are worthy no matter how much money you make or don’t make.

You are worthy no matter how easy or hard work is.

You are worthy. You are worthy. You are worthy.

x Mona

My Daily Meditation Practice

I started a daily mindfulness meditation practice a couple months ago after 5 years of meditating on and off and wow, it has brought so much grounding, spaciousness, and clarity into my mind.

It’s a simple practice with 3 steps:

1. Take a seat.
This means coming into your body and into awareness with being here now. I had been meditating with a stack of blankets and pillows, feeling a bit wobbly, and my meditation teacher @dinaviesalazar suggested that I get a buckwheat meditation cushion. This one from @florensicollection came into my life and I freakin loooove it (Frida loves it too 😻 and we both love how it’s a woman owned business based in Austin TX!)
.
2. Bring your attention to your breath.

3. Whenever the mind wanders, note it as thinking, and simply return to the breath.

Sooo I’ve been meditating on and off for 5 years and we hear things like “clear your mind” and get caught up in this loop like “oh sh*t I’m thinking again, bad! Go back to the breath!” and all of that mental looping creates more chaos and make us feel like if we think, we’re doing it wrong. I’ve even had people tell me “I’m bad at meditating, I can’t clear my mind.” Haha welllll that’s part of the practice.

It’s a practice of compassion and observation. Our mind naturally wanders and we’re simply the observer to notice where it goes. And when it does wander we simply notice it, and with kindness, gentleness, and compassion, we go back to the breath. Over time, we can keep our attention on our breath for longer and longer, while remembering that every day is different. It’s like weight training for the mind, building the muscle to stay grounded and centered no matter what’s happening around us.

Some days my mind is an unruly child that does NOT want to sit and notice and those days are challenging, but I also know that by simply showing up, I’m creating a pattern of consistency, reliability, and trust within myself.

💖

The Cauldron of Transformation

Have you ever experienced a moment when the Universe smacks you in the face, like “helloooooo?!?!”

 One of my favorite things in life is when I get the same tarot or oracle again and again. It always reminds me of the magic that is always here.

 Oh my GODDESS have I got a story for you! Buckle in.

 At the beginning of September, my friends Amanda, Candice, Anna, and I went camping and booked a spot at a private campground just outside of San Diego. It was a heatwave weekend at 111 degrees (oh hey angel number!) but we decided to go anyways, knowing it would cool down in the evening. On our way there, when we turned onto the eastbound highway, the view of the mountains opened up before us and we were faced with the biggest pillar of smoke I’ve ever seen. It was a wildfire and we were driving straight towards it.

 We called the campground and were reassured that it was far away enough from the fire and we’d have plenty of notice of evacuation if it did make its way towards us.

 When we arrived, we were greeted by statues of Kuan Yin and Mother Mary and we knew immediately that the Universe had guided to just the right place. Our campsite was on a desert mountain covered in boulders that looked like they had fallen right out of the sky.

We connected with the land immediately. It was called Big Mother, after all. We all gravitated towards the giant tree on the property and laid down blankets, and created our magical altar with oracle cards, chakra sprays, crystals, and sound healing tools. We transformed the tree into a portal and the Goddess energy was palpable.

 Hours into exploring the land, laying naked under the tree eating berries, peeing wherever we wanted, and howling at the moon, we decided to pull some oracle cards from the Goddess Power Oracle deck.

 It was clear the Goddesses that came through were ones that all four of us embodied.

Hera brought the message of Alliance.

Athena brought the message of Knowledge.

Shakti brought the message of Transformation.

Kali brought the message of Liberation.

Cerridwyn brought the message of Potential.

And thus begins my journey with Cerridwen and the number 9 knocking down my door.

 A few weeks later, a couple days before the Autumn Equinox, I was faced with a challenging decision and consulted the cards for additional affirmation. I went for my old favorite, Gaian Tarot, and fanned the cards out as I usually do. My intuition was pulling me towards the card alllll the way to the left and I kept seeing the number 9. “Pull the 9th card from the left," I heard. I pulled both of them, and then felt called to also pull one from The Goddess Power Oracle.

 The first card, the one all the way on the left:

9 - The Hermit

 The second card, the 9th one from the left:

6 of Earth, which showed a farmers market… funny enough, I was visiting my parents in Hudson, NY and helping them out at several farmers markets that week.

 The third card:

9 - Cerridwyn.

Mind blown yet?? Keep in mind, that there’s 78 cards in Tarot and this Goddess deck has 52 cards in it. What are the freaking chances? Ha but there’s more.

 On the Autumn Equinox, my lovely friend and soul sister Dinavie lead a ceremony for a few of us and she asked that we bring one object to represent light/life and one to represent dark/death. Since I was still traveling and didn’t have many sacred objects with me, I decided to bring a couple oracle cards.

 I went straight to a different Goddess Oracle deck and I asked…

 Who is the Goddess here to represent Light and Life?

 Wanna take a wild guess at who came through?

Cerridwen. With the message “Death and Rebirth.”

💀💀💀

And if it couldn’t get any better, the first two lines for her message from the book says “I give you life. I give you death.”

I asked for Life and the Goddess sent me Death (and rebirth and life).

 And the number 9 according to numerology.com:

“The energy of the number 9 represents completion, but not finality. Think of it more in a cyclical sense; it's about the ending of one cycle and the potential it creates for another cycle to begin. The 9 in Numerology acts as an usher in this process of transition or transformation, guiding and empowering us with its wisdom.”

 So literally death, rebirth, and transformation.

How Are You Celebrating Yourself?

Celebrating you for crossing one thing off your to-do list.
Celebrating you for writing one paragraph of your book.
Celebrating you for sending out that email.
Celebrating you for making one new connection.

It's the little actions that create habits and become a new way of being.

In my work with my clients, we start every session with the question "what are your wins and what are you celebrating?"

We (my clients and myself) all have a pattern of perfectionism.
To only look at what's next without looking back at the work we've accomplished.
To keep our work hidden until it's absolutely perfect before showing it to the world.
To wait and wait and wait in inaction until everything is perfectly lined up, until we get approval, until the moon is in the right phase and all the planets are direct, before we finally DO THE THING.
To accomplish MAJOR things and still think "yeah, but... it could have been better" or "yeah... but I still haven't done XYZ so it's not good enough yet."

If we only wait until the final final final thing is completed or accomplished, we're showing our psyche along the entire journey that it's not good enough. When we finally DO get to that thing we've been wanting, it falls flat and we're dissatisfied. We feel like there should still be more, because that's what we've been training our brain this whole time.

If you have a pattern of perfectionism and imposter syndrome, I invite you to start seeing how you're already doing The Thing, and after each small victory, ask "how can I celebrate this?"

It might be as simple as a 10 second butt shake around your living room, or arms up in the air in a victorious "YES!"

You got this. You are on your way and I'm celebrating you!

x
Mona

Do you ever doubt yourself?

She asked, “do you ever doubt yourself? Or compare yourself?”

And I bust out laughing.

The answer?

Every. Fuckin. Day.

I quit my 9-5 corporate job in October to pursue running my coaching and yoga business full-time while also moving to a new city (all or nothin’ babe).

It has been such a hard journey that’s dug up alllllllllll of my unhealed shadows to be faced. Even things I thought I moved past came up for healing on a deeper level.

The thought, “maybe I should go back into corporate design…” has crossed my mind nearly every single day.

I get caught in the endless scrolling on social media, seeing what the other coaches from my training program are up to and I compare compare compare, feeling shittier with every swipe.

Comparison shows where I am still insecure. It used to be around my body. I would scrutinize how I looked in photos compared to my friends, compared to past versions of myself, never satisfied.

Now it’s around business since I’m not yet where I want to be and wondering every day what I’m doing wrong, forgetting to see what I’m doing right.

I’ve embraced that fear, self-doubt, and comparison are part of the process. Maybe comparison goes away, but fear and self-doubt doesn’t. In honest conversations with people I admire who are doing the things I want to be doing, I’ve learned that fear and doubt still affect them. It shows up every time we edge our comfort zone.

This is where discernment comes into play. Is the doubt and fear showing up because I’m on the wrong path or because I’m doing something new and uncomfortable?

It’s usually the latter.

The knowing that I’m on the RIGHT path is an expansive and grounded sensation in my body.

The fear and doubt of stepping out of my comfort zone show up in my head as racing thoughts and anxiety. It’s heady and airy and spins me dizzy.

I thank the fear for trying to keep me safe within what’s known and familiar. I take a deep breath and remember that I’m capable, that I’ve done hard things before, and that I can trust myself now.

I am safe. I am okay. I can handle anything that comes my way.

Thanks @dariaxtaylor for asking the best questions and taking THE BEST photos of me.

Grief and Joy

And just like that, in a single week, I started a dream job and also laid my dog to rest.

The entire month of July, I was holding so much excitement for life-changing possibilities with the new job AND so much grief as I watched Jeff get sicker by the day, from a high energy dog who could play and run all day to one who could barely stand up or lay down without immense effort.

The practices I’ve done over the years in meditation, yoga, and therapy, have all been training me for this period of time. Every day over the past few weeks, I’ve allowed myself to dive into the depths of grief, to feel my heart ache, and express full-body sobs AND dance and laugh and jump around like a loon overcome with joy.

The depths to which we allow ourselves the gift of feeling our shadows of grief, sadness, anger, guilt, and shame, is the height in which we can experience our light of joy, freedom, abundance, bliss, and love.

It’s okay to feel it all, even at the same time.

The Best Budgeting System I've Used

Budgeting. I used to hate this word. It felt restrictive and uptight, the opposite of how I wanted to feel: free and light.

I tried to use apps like Mint but it didn’t fit how I actually lived, and I would get confused about which category a purchase belonged to. Does a book go under “education” or “shopping?” I simply don’t categorize my life and spending in that way. Because I wasn’t able to fit my life into these predetermined boxes, it perpetuated my belief that I wasn’t good with money.

When I started to view money as energy and that we are the conductors who get to guide where it goes, it changed everything. I started to see budgeting as a map for my money.

Today, I’m sharing with you the budgeting system, or Money Map, I used that helped me embrace my relationship with money and get out of over $10k of credit card debt.

3 Types of Spending

Fixed Spending

Monthly expenses that stay the same from month to month.

Examples: rent/mortgage, utilities, health insurance, car payments, subscriptions like Netflix and Spotify, a set monthly credit card payment.

Flex Spending

Things you can expect to spend money on but varies from week to week, and month to month. 

Examples: groceries, dining out, Uber rides, Starbucks, shopping, gifts.

Also- anything that you consistently money on could be its own category.

Example: if you buy a drink from Starbucks Monday-Friday, you can allocate $25 every week for Starbucks.

Random + Yearly Spending

We often overlook the things we only purchase once a year or that come at random. These purchases often don’t make it into a typical budgeting plan, but can add up to quite a bit. If you can save up for them throughout the year, then you will be less likely to be surprised when they come around.

Examples: Travel, Amazon Prime membership, credit card annual fee, car tune-ups.

Creating the Money Map

Get to know your money.

Take a look at the past 3 months of spending. Pull up all the bank statements, and write down every purchase. Yes. Every. Purchase. You can use a spreadsheet or good ol’ pen and paper.

If you use cash instead of plastic, can you find some receipts or at least track your ATM withdrawals? Can you recall what some of those purchases were?

While there are plenty of apps and programs out there to keep track of this, doing this manually allows you to connect with each purchase you’ve made.

Incoming Money

Regardless of whether you receive a regular paycheck or are a freelancer with variable income, determine how much you take home each week or month after taxes. Take a moment to express gratitude for what you receive.

Outgoing Money

Which purchases are Fixed? Which are Flex? Which are random or yearly?

• Add up all your Fixed Spending. Remember, this amount stays the same each month.

• Average your 3 months of Flex Spending.

• For your Random + Yearly Spending, add in anything that wasn’t included in the past 3 months but should be, then find the monthly average.

Map it out

Our goal here is to become fully aware of the money that comes in and goes out and to make it more predictable from month to month.

This chart already feels like way less anxiety. When you know exactly how much is coming in and going out, you can better predict and plan.

You can break down the money map into weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly, whatever works best for you.

Let’s use an example.

After taxes, your take-home income each month is $4,000.
Your Fixed Spending is $2,000 a month.
Your Flex Spending is $1,000 a month.
Your Random Spending adds up to $500 a month.
This leaves you $500 a month to put into savings.

Awesome!

Or… maybe you discovered that you’re actually in a deficit after your spending. It’s okay. I’ve been there, where I thought I was making enough money, only to discover that I was spending wayyyyy more money than I was making without even realizing it.

This awareness is KEY and you are on your way to becoming friends with your money. 

Freedom

When I ask people what money provides for them or how they want to feel with money, Freedom is the number one response.

When we try to budget, or map our money, within the constraints of categories, this creates restriction rather than freedom.

The Flex spending allows you to have a set amount to spend on whatever you want. When it’s gone, it’s gone. If you need to use more than your Flex amount was allocated for, you can pull it from savings. For me, this creates an extra barrier because I have to take an action to transfer money and ultimately, it prevents me from spending more than I have available.

Saving Money

What are you saving for? Having a goal for your money helps direct energy and intention towards it. It helps you get clear on what’s important to you and why.

Even if you are only able to save $10 a month, it’s making a statement to your subconscious and to the Universe that “hey, this thing I’m saving for is really important to me” and you may be surprised to find more money and opportunities open up along the way.

Setting up Bank Accounts

I have several accounts to separate my money so I don’t have to do a mental calculation every time I go to make a purchase. I can simply look at the appropriate bank account and know exactly how much is available to me. Chase Bank allows you to nickname accounts, so I named them something fun, positive, and encouraging.

• Checking account for Fixed Spending.

• Checking account for Flex spending. If it gets down to zero, that's it. No using the credit card. I can move money over from savings if I'm really in a pinch but I try not to do that. I call this account "Gratitude.”

• Savings account for short-term things like a fun night out, a new pair of shoes, or whatever I might want to buy that's not included in my budget. I set up automatic transfers to this account. The names I’ve used have changed over the years from “Joy” to “Future Fun” to “I am Trustworthy.”

• Savings account for long term goals. Big travel trips, down payment on a house. You name it. I set up automatic transfers to this account.

• Savings account at a different bank for a “safety net.” The safety net is something that helps me feel financially safe and stable, knowing that I always have this amount just in case. I set up automatic transfers to this account until it reached my ideal number. There’s no “right” number. Experts recommend 3-6 months of living expenses. My “safe” number was $1,000. Someone else’s is $10,000. It's a personal preference.

You are the Driver

That’s right babe. You are the driver. You created the map and you get to guide your money and energy where it needs to go and where you want it to go.

Are you ready to implement this into your life?

Got questions?

I’d love to hear from you.

Are you looking for more healing to your relationship with money, abundance, receiving, and self-worth?

Join me for Diving for Treasure, a soulful exploration to create freedom and flow with money, starting on August 8, 2020.

Money and Me

“Look at those houses, sweetie.”

My mom was driving me through the richest part of our town, admiring the million-dollar oceanfront homes. In her yearning gaze, I knew that what we had wasn’t good enough.

I grew up in a home that was conflicting in nearly every imaginable way. My dad was born and raised in New York and a lifelong blue-collar employee of NYC. My mom was born and raised in communist China and left when she was 29 to seek out the American Dream. They disagreed about the oil splatters left on the appliances from my mom’s home cooked Chinese food, whether to have a house with one floor or two floors, and raising me with American values or Chinese values. Most of all, they argued about money.

My mom and I bonded over shopping. We would spend hours at Bed, Bath and Beyond, JCPenny’s, and Macy’s. I’m not sure what we were looking for, but there was always something new. Another deal. Oh look, a coupon! There was always something missing that we had to fix or fill.

“Take this straight to your room, don’t let your dad see.”

After a day of shopping, the guilt was a heavy blanket over us. She wasn’t supposed to be spending money on things we didn’t need, so she would hide the bags in my closet and sneak them out when my dad wasn’t home. She would make sure to catch the mailman before my dad got home so he wouldn’t see the credit card statement from Macy’s.

Not only was the household conflicting, I received conflicting messages from my mom herself. She would easily spend hundreds of dollars on clothing, as long as it was on sale, but would also wash our Bounty paper towels so they could be reused. Nothing was to go to waste so that we could save a few pennies here and there. It didn’t make sense to me.

It wasn’t until I started on my journey to financial freedom that I learned these were signs of a shopping addiction. Like mother, like daughter, I inherited these traits after a lifetime of this being my “normal.”

Before I understood money or my family’s actual socioeconomic status, I thought we were struggling. Through the attention placed on what we didn’t have, I wasn’t able to see what we did have. I could only see what we were missing.

“Try and save 50% of your money for a rainy day.”

My dad, on the other hand, taught me how to save. He encouraged me to save 50% of my allowances, babysitting money, and birthday money. He took me to the bank to open my first bank account, and taught me about interest and CDs. He implemented allowances for me to learn the value of working for my money. I even had a little piggy bank that said, “for a rainy day.”

But it was way more fun to spend money than to save money, and I always felt like I was disappointing my dad. In my first year of college, I lived on State Street in Chicago, one of the largest shopping districts. In the 4 blocks between the classrooms and dorm rooms, there was Forever 21, H&M, Macy’s, and Urban Outfitters, just to name a few. My friends and I would stop in these stores nearly every day after class and I always felt the need to buy something.

I was striving to fit in and became a chameleon—changing what I thought, what I wore, and what I said in order to be more like the people around me so that I could be accepted. My friends would often say they were broke, so I started to say it too. It couldn’t be further from the truth but I made every effort to appear as if it were so. I was broke—from shopping every day.

After college, I was struggling to pay the bills. I still had my dad’s voice in my head to save 50%, but being a perfectionist with an intense all-or-nothing mindset, I felt like I was failing if I couldn’t save enough, so I just stopped trying.

Just to add to my confusion, the person I dated from high school through after college, had his own ideas about money. He believed money was evil, and people who had money were greedy, fake, and had to do selfish things in order to get there. He upheld those who had little money as “good, honest” people and those who had wealth as “bad” people. He once said he wished he could get a big pile of cash and just burn it. He had watched families be torn apart over money and his solution was to rid the world of money. In an effort to get his stamp of approval, I accepted his world view, and created even more internal conflict. I took on his wounds of being hurt by people with money.

I was caught between two worlds: the one that was ingrained in me to shop shop shop, buy buy buy, and the one that I striving to gain approval through by pushing away any money that came towards me because I didn’t want to be seen as a “bad” person.

I started a slow downward spiral when I got my first credit card after college. Ever heard of retail therapy? That’s exactly what I did. I didn’t have the awareness at the time that I was shopping any time I felt anxious or sad. I would feel this all-consuming need to research for hours about a product before making a purchase, and it was obsessive. It would be all I could think about, and it helped distract me from the underlying and unaddressed trauma from my life. There was always something that I “needed” to have and it felt like this giant growing bubble of tension that could only be popped when I made the purchase. Immediately afterwards, the feeling of “needing” the item disappeared, only to be replaced by shame of spending money I didn’t have.

Over time, I developed a belief that I was bad with money and I couldn’t be trusted. Anytime a large amount was deposited into my bank account, I felt like I needed to move it or get rid of it somehow so that I wouldn’t end up using it to buy more things I didn’t need.

My wake-up moment came in Anthropologie. I was standing in line, about to swipe my credit card for some fancy dresses that I didn't need but felt like I "HAD to have." I had $5 in my checking account and over $8,000 in credit card debt.

I kept telling myself, "I can put the dresses down and walk away," but my body was frozen. I couldn't will myself out of the line. I felt impulsive and reckless. I knew I was digging myself even deeper into debt but I couldn't stop myself.

I handed over my card, feeling my stomach already clenched with guilt, knowing the shame that would come soon after, while also excited for the rush of buying something new.

This was the moment I chose to make a BIG change.

Read: How I Paid Off Over $10,600 of Credit Card Debt in One Year

My Story // Part I

February 2014

I walk into the sex shop and the burst of color contrasts the typical gray metal city behind me. I unwind my scarf and zip down the Chicagoan’s winter uniform. Black North Face parka. Today, I’m looking for 5-inch platform stilettos. I’ve decided to become a dancer. A stripper.

A black pair made of hard plastic and studded rhinestones with a clear top is the one I pick. I leave the store and head back to the El. Something strange is happening to my vision. It’s as if it’s glittering. It grows. A strange arc shape. Am I hallucinating?? I get a sense. You shouldn’t be doing this. I ignore it. This is the easiest and fastest way to make money to get out of Chicago. I close my eyes but this strange scintillating shape is still there. As I ride the screeching and rattling train back home, my mind battles itself. This is a sign. Whatever is happening to your eyes right now is a sign. Don’t do this. But this is the only way…

It’s Monday again. Wearing my uniform again. This parka down to my knees isn’t enough to block the icy wind stabbing my legs as I wait for the train. Why the fuck are the train stations in this city outside.

Daydreaming of warmer days, I remember. Half a year ago, I was working on the tulip-lined Magnificent Mile in downtown Chicago as a web designer for The Tribune. The job landed in my lap and was more money than I ever thought I’d make. It wasn’t the career I wanted. I knew that. Half way through college, I knew. But… what else could I do? I stayed the course. It wasn’t the work that I wanted to do but I needed the money. 

The company split. Print is dead. I was laid off with 700 other people. In debt and needing money right away, I landed at this company in the suburbs, making half of what I made before.

Even less money in a field I don’t want to be in.

The train reaches Main Street. I’m back. Two Polar Vortexes behind us, we’re all dreaming of warmer days as the sea of black parkas shuffles onto the platform. A Monday in corporate America or a funeral procession?

Beige walls muffle the water cooler conversations. We had some weather this weekend. There was traffic. The game. Everything in me is silently screaming. Is there any life here?

Google Hangouts flashes with a new message from my lifeline. My best friend Kristin. An article about moving to California. I’ve been talking about moving for years. Shoulders hunched, trying to hide the fact that I’m not diligently working, I read.

Spring 2014

My plan is to become nocturnal. Work in a restaurant in the evening and the strip club afterwards. I find a job as a hostess in a new restaurant that’s about to open. There’s promise that I could work up to being a server and make even more money. 

I’m offered an extension on my contract in the beige office but every part of me is screaming NO and I would rather make money by taking my clothes off for strangers than sit behind a computer for another moment moving pixels around. I decline it and go to work at the restaurant. I apply to the club but never hear back. I take it as a sign to finally start my photography business.

My new plan is to work at the restaurant and start my photography business.

But I am so… damn… tired.

My feet ache when I get home. I’m exhausted. My boyfriend at the time, M, is also exhausted. The dishes don’t get done. I hate cooking. We make an agreement that I would clean the house and he would cook. He never does. He smokes weed all day and complains about his job and asks me to sit with him and watch him play video games. I say no. He pouts. I give in every time, all the while feeling like I’m wasting time that could be spent on my photography business. Resentment grows.

I do the dishes with rage, make passive aggressive comments, and snap at him.

We scream at each other every day. This is nothing new. This is how couples fight, right?

He calls me a bitch and an asshole and a jerk. He says this is a sign of love, this is how he and his family talk to each other. I take it as truth. They do seem to be so close. This is normal, right?

Weeks pass and it’s another day, yet another screaming match. This one’s especially bad. I don’t remember what we’re fighting about, but I’ve locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing. My body’s telling me to run, but there’s nowhere to run, so I hide in the only room with a lock. He’s pounding on the door. I’m afraid he’s going to punch a hole in the door. Just like my dad did when I was 15.

The cops are called on us. He says there’s been a complaint and he’s just checking in. Shaking with a tear-stained face, I somehow manage to convince him that we’re fine.

Everything’s fine. This is normal. This is just how couples fight.

Summer 2014

Our building manager’s partner befriends us. He’s 30 years older than us and has kind eyes. He’s a jack of all trades, doing maintenance for our building at the moment, but with a long history of more titles than I’ll probably ever know. In our conversations, he finds out that I’m a photographer. We’re close enough now that he asks if he can borrow my camera equipment and in exchange, can give massages. He’s a licensed massage therapist too. I agree. My body is so tired.

I walk into the home he shares with our building manager. It’s strange to get a peek into someone else’s apartment. It’s clean, crisp, and modern. A contrast to the dark hallways of an early 1900s Chicago building. A massage table is set up in their office and he asks me the typical questions of what’s sore, what needs work.

And then he asks me a question that will be the beginning of my awakening. He asks if he can play an audiobook, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I shrug and say sure, but I’ll probably fall asleep. That’s okay.

I hear snippets. The first agreement is to be impeccable with your words. The second is don’t take anything personally. 3- Don’t make assumptions. 4- Always try your best. Woven into healing touch on my body are healing words that I may never have sought out myself.

We continue our sessions and I find myself excited to hear the rest of the book, and eventually we move on to The Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer. I learn how our thoughts and words can create our reality. Something in me recognizes the truth in this idea.

I’m invited to a free lunch event called Women’s Empower Hour and fortunately, it lands on a day that I’m not working. I’m intrigued, and if anything, it’s a free lunch. A woman named Jen Wiegel, a former TV reporter, speaks and I find myself making connections between her ideas and what I’ve learned from The Four Agreements and The Power of Intention. We each get a copy of her book, Stay Tuned, and I read the whole thing in two days. What sparks my interest is how she thanks the Universe in advance for what she wants. I’m not sure if I believe in God, but I certainly believe there’s something bigger than ourselves out there.

Meanwhile, I’m going deeper into credit card debt. My photography business has gone nowhere. I’m just able to pay rent with my wages from the restaurant and shooting some weddings on the weekends, but we’re spending $40 every few days ordering food from GrubHub because neither of us will cook. M convinces me that this is the same cost as cooking. I don’t believe him but I give in to avoid another argument.

It’s summer and I’ve started to come alive again, but I still keep my dream of moving out of Chicago. It still feels impossibly far away and I know I need to save money to make this a reality. I’m not making enough money by working at the restaurant and I decide to go back into design. The idea of thanking the Universe lights up and I decide to try it because… why not.

Thank you in advance for a job where I can be happy, pay my bills, and maybe even save and travel.

I’m thinking bare minimum here. I don’t want to ask for too much, get my hopes up and dashed. I know I can find a job that at least pays the bills. Saving and traveling still seems too far off.

I repeat the phrase every chance I get. I say it over and over. In the shower and in moments that I’m start to lose hope. “Thank you in advance for a job where I can be happy and pay my bills.” I’m afraid to ask for more. Sometimes I do. Am I worthy, am I deserving? Maybe I can save and travel.

I mention what I’m doing to M one day and he mocks and warns me. It sounds like you’re praying, he says. He’s anti-religion, anti-God, anti-anything that is remotely close to spirituality. All I know is that I’m desperate and I’ll try this in the off-chance it might work.

Thank you. Thank you in advance. Thank you thank you thank you. I imagine myself working a job that I enjoy. I imagine finally being able to pay the bills. Day after day.

And what feels like a miracle happens. I’m offered a contract position with United Airlines as a designer, making as much as I did at the Tribune.

Stay tuned for Part II

Reminders As We Dismantle Systemic Racism

Photo by Maria Oswalt.

Reminder: we’re in this for the long haul.

We’ve been living in systems of oppression for millennia, and the racial oppression in the US for centuries. Collectively, we are at the beginning of a New Paradigm, the Aquarian Age, which is a shift away from duality and hierarchical structure and into equality and oneness. The Aquarian Age spans the next 2,000 years.

Knowing this is the work of the collective, it’s too easy to brush aside and hand the responsibility over to someone else. But we all play a part in the tapestry of oneness.

We are at a critical time to dismantle our own racism and prejudice and inquire how we’ve perpetuated oppression and/or how we’ve internalized oppression.

It takes a combination of inner work and outer action.

This isn’t going to be solved this week.

Reminder: we all process in our own time.

If you’re at full capacity, take time for yourself. When you’ve refueled your own cup, allocate time and energy to the inner and outer work.

As with all personal and spiritual development, keep moving forward with the knowledge that you will be uncomfortable. You will be facing your shadows. And the only way out is through.

Reminder: When it is time to act, let your actions come from integrity.

If it’s coming from a place of guilt, it’s a sure way to lead to resentment and burnout.

We are in this for the long haul. Keep taking care of yourself in this collective movement to uplift our fellow Black humans.

In conversations this week, a few other themes have come to light.

Shame and Connection.

Reminder: Connection is Key

There’s many conflicting voices on social media about the “right” thing to do and many voices that are shaming each other. Like guilt, motivating people through shame will only perpetuate oppression. It keeps us feeling small and feeling less than. Shame causes us to shrink, hide, and avoid the one thing that dissolves shame: vulnerability through connection.

Connection to each other’s humanness is part of how we remember that we are all one, and if you’re hurting, I’m hurting.

Connection is how we break down barriers of us vs them.

Connection is how we eradicate the fear caused by separation, the fear that perpetuates scarcity, and the fear that perpetuates oppression.

What To Do As a Woman of Color

I grew up in a white neighborhood and have entered fields of work that are dominated by white womxn.

So most of what I’m seeing in my newsfeed lately is directed towards white folx to do better.

And that leaves me wondering, what do I do here? How can I help?

Even though I’m a POC, I still have massive amounts of privilege and I will never be able to fully understand the fear that weighs on black folx day in and day out for simply existing in this country.

A group of friends suggested that we watch a webinar by activist Rachel Ricketts called Spiritual Activism 101.

I really didn’t want to at first. I’m tired. I’m so exhausted. Emotionally drained. But when else are we supposed to do the work? It’s too easy to brush aside when things are quiet, when we haven’t just watched a man be murdered. And when we have, it all feels like too much.

But we watched the webinar, and I’m so glad we did.

Rachel started with a meditation and asked the hard question, “what is your biggest fear in discussing race and racism? Why?”

My answers: I’m afraid of offending someone. I’m afraid of getting it wrong. I’m afraid of causing more harm than good. There’s shame in how I’ve harmed other POC. I’m afraid of speaking up to my family and starting conflicts. And a little bit of thinking that because I’m a POC, I don’t have to do this work.

Oh boy.

I want to share some of my biggest takeaways.

Anti-Blackness is Universal

Rachel talked about how anti-blackness is universal, across all races and ethnicities.

I’ve experienced that first-hand.

Being Chinese with dark skin was not easy. My family told me I looked like charcoal and made me take milk baths to lighten my skin. They carry parasols so they don’t get too dark-skinned. There’s soooooo many skin whitening creams in the Asian beauty market.

It’s woven into the culture that blackness is not okay and has seeped into my own psyche that blackness is not okay.

Racism = Prejudice + Privilege + Power

Whiteness has held economic power and because of that, have had power in justice, politics, housing, etc. Whiteness has reigned supreme.

Because of the power that whiteness has held, only white can be racist. Reverse racism is not a thing. However, every single person, race, ethnicity has prejudice.

Because the institutions prioritize whiteness, racism is systemic.

What does that mean for me, as a Person of Color?

Internalized oppression. We’ve given priority to whiteness because that is what our culture has taught us. That’s what my own family taught me.

So to come back to my original question of what can I do as a POC?

I can examine how I’ve prioritized whiteness and the comfort of white people to the detriment of my own comfort and well-being.

THE WORK STARTS FROM WITHIN.

Dismantling my own internalized oppression.

What else can we do?

Use the gifts, talents, and resources that we have.

As a spiritual leader, coach, and yoga teacher, I can offer my support through holding space, and through mindfulness, breathwork, and yoga practices to help us regulate our nervous systems and prioritize self-care as my POC friends inquire how we’ve internalized oppression and as my white friends inquire within about how their racism has caused harm to POC.

I can use my platform to educate and inform.

I’ve seen others use their platforms to promote POC-run businesses.

Friends, look within. Ask yourself the hard questions:
White: How has your racism caused harm to POC?
POC: How have you prioritized whiteness to your own detriment?

How can you help?

Use the gifts, talents, and resources you have to do the inner work AND the outer work.

To my POC friends, I’m here for you. I’ve broken down in tears several times this week and I don’t have the right words to say. But my therapist and I sat in silence for most of our session this week, just feeling the grief. And that was a ray of light in my week. I’m here for you to talk or to just sit in silence and grieve.

Check out Rachel Ricketts. Support a BIWOC for her work. https://www.rachelricketts.com/shop-products

Feeling of Fulfilment

That feeling of fulfillment that you’re searching for?

Maybe you’re looking for it in the next job, the perfect partner, where you live, or the next vacation.

But it’s just that- a feeling.

It comes from within you.

From slowing down enough to quiet the external voices.

To clear out the noise long enough to hear your own heart.

It comes from full presence and connection with your inner and outer world.

It’s in hearing your own breath.

It’s in feeling the subtle hum of your body.

It’s in watching a father teach his daughter how to skip rocks.

It’s in the way the sidewalk glitters.

It’s in the sprouts in the cement cracks bursting to the light.

It’s in the fur of your dog’s ear.

Fulfillment is right here, right now.

Pause long enough to feel it.

Re-wire The Feeling Of Not Being Enough

I've been running from the feeling of not-good-enough for my entire life.

My surf buddy pointed out that I bail off my board instead of taking on big waves. I'm afraid of getting dumped teeth first into the sand and getting stuck under. It's a valid fear. But it actually goes so much deeper.

The pattern from childhood was that unless I got 100%, it was met with disapproval.

It's the typical asian parent and/or immigrant parent response.

Even when I was placed in the top 10% of my graduating class, it *still* wasn't good enough because I came in at #39, the last person in the top 10%.
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Instead of getting to celebrate this major accomplishment, I was met with disapproval and comparison to how my friends were doing.

This happened with every grade that came back that wasn't 100%.
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I got tired of trying so fucking hard to be met with disapproval.

It feels safer to not put in my best effort so that if I fall short, at least I could tell myself that I didn't give it my all.

This pattern shows up in nearly everything. Surfing is a small example.

I've noticed it on a much larger scale that's taken a decade to notice.

Professionally, I've been a painter, designer, photographer, yoga teacher, women's circle leader, and life coach.

Each time I cross over the threshold from complete beginner into "I've got a good grasp on what I"m doing now," that fear kicks in and I start comparing, and feeling less-than.

And then I run away.

I push it away.

I find something new.

Anything to not feel that gut-wrenching, shrinking, not-good-enough feeling.

But now that I've noticed this pattern, I'm choosing a different way.

I'm giving myself the acknowledgement that I didn't receive.

Even though this high school top 10% thing was over a decade ago, I'm celebrating for little Mona.

I took myself to the beach (my happy place), and wrote and spoke all the words that I needed to hear.

GREAT JOB!
You're doing awesome!
Keep going.
You are loved.
No matter what you accomplish, you are loved.
You are loved you are loved you are loved.

I'm celebrating every tiny accomplishment to re-wire my brain to understand that it's okay and it's safe to just try things. It's okay and it's safe to not be #1.

It's okay and it's safe.

You are loved.

Regardless of what's happened to us in the past, we have the responsibility and opportunity to change our course for the future.

Redefine Rest

There’s this idea that REST means being at a standstill. And sometimes, yes, that is exactly what our bodies need.

But for some of us, being at a standstill does. not. feel. good. Binge watching tv all day is not a form of rest for me- it’s a sign that I’ve crashed and burned and am overwhelmed and need to turn my brain off. And I don’t usually feel more well rested afterwards. Usually the opposite- filled with guilt that I spent the day doing something that I didn’t actually want to do, but didn’t know how else to cope.

Let’s redefine rest.

What if... rest = flow.

Have you ever done something where time disappears and everything flows? Even if you’ve been “active” or doing something, you are revitalized and energized? I’ve experienced this flow while painting, surfing, doing yoga, and even working! And have heard from others entering this state while running, sailing, hiking.

What if... rest = recharging.

Even our phones need to “rest.” When we charge our phones, we are giving it more energy.

What leaves you feeling refreshed and revitalized- full of life and energy?

So what does rest mean for you? How will you “rest” today?
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How the Coronavirus Fear Affects Us and Simple Tips To Cope

Our world is slowing down. There are closures everywhere. Fear and anxiety are palpable. Even if we haven't personally contracted the coronavirus, fear is rippling through the world.

As far as we know, none of us are immune to the coronavirus. Fear and stress can wreak just as much havoc on our bodies as disease, and even weaken our immune system, making us more susceptible to illness.

Physical Response to Stress

When we're under stress, we often respond in either hyper- or hypo-arousal.

Hyper-arousal: aka fight or flight response. It can show up as hypervigilance (paranoia and obsessiveness), needing to get ahead, avoidance, anxiety and/or panic, racing thoughts.

Hypo-arousal: a freeze response. It can show up as feelings of emotional numbness, emptiness, or paralysis, dissociation, and depression.

Reminder: Everyone's reaction is valid.

We are all reacting. We see people rushing to the stores to stock up. We see people using humor. We see people brushing it aside. We're doing any number of those things. Shaming each other for our reactions doesn't motivate change. It causes people to feel emotionally unsafe when we're already feeling physically unsafe. It creates further distance between each other. Exercise compassion for yourself and how you're responding. Exercise compassion towards others and their response.

Breathe

We've learned that the virus can linger in the air up to 6 feet. I've found myself going about my day and holding my breath, as if afraid that I'll breathe it in. Notice if you've been holding your breath or if your breath has become shallow.

Our breath has the power to transform our mental, emotional, and physical state. It can shift us from anxiety and panic to calm. Start by taking a big inhale through the nose and an open mouth exhale and repeat 3 times.

Two Simple Breathing techniques to Ease Anxiety:

• Lengthen your exhales. Inhale to a count of 4, exhale to a count of 6. Increase or decrease the numbers as needed to match your pace while maintaining a longer exhale.

• Box Breath aka Square Breath. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Again, increase or decrease the number of seconds as needed, maintaining the same number of seconds for each inhale, hold, and exhale.

Connection is Crucial

Containment is crucial to slow or stop the spread. Closures are happening everywhere. Large gatherings are being banned. Quarantine. Isolation.

We're losing our physical connection with each other. We're advised to bump elbows instead of shaking hands. We need human connection for our mental health. Stay connected to your friends and loved ones. Call or Video chat each other instead of texting.

Many of us need physical touch as well. But there are so many who live alone or don't have someone to hug.

Reconnect with your own body. Self massage can help revitalize soothe your nervous system.

Ways to Self Massage

• Hug yourself!

• Mindfully apply lotion to your body after a shower or bath.

• Foam Roll

• Use your finger pads to massage your head.

• Face Massage: Gently rub your temples. Place your thumbs at the bridge of your nose, right below your brow bone and press upwards while tracing your brow bone towards your temples. Place your fingers below your eyes and find the edge of your cheekbones. Start from just beyond your nose and press, trace outwards towards your temples. Open your mouth and massage your jaw muscles in your cheeks.

• Rub your hands together to create heat, then place them over your eyes.

• Give yourself a shoulder rub.

• Gently squeeze your arms and legs.

• Rub your belly after a meal.

• Create fists and thump on your thighs.

• Rub your feet

• Find more tips by googling "self massage"

Invitation to Slow Down

Most of us work our asses off and go non-stop. Our world is slowing down with closures everywhere. People are being asked to work from home. In contrast to the panic and chaos that is happening at the grocery stores, use this time to break from your usual day-to-day. Move a little slower. Breathe slower. Give extra attention and mindfulness to what we might normally miss. Read. Journal. Observe the way the sunlight travels through your rooms. If the thought of slowing down seems impossible, observe that too.

Choose Love over Fear

In each moment, we have the choice to choose love or fear. When we are in a state of fear, we do not think clearly and may make unsound decisions. Continue to practice shifting out of fear through your own practices or the ones listed here. Continue to come back to choose love. How we act affects the people around us. Be the leader and example for coping in healthy ways.

* * *

In Love Warrior, Glennon Doyle writes, "The Greek root of CRISIS is TO SIFT. It's what crises do—shake us until we hold only what matters most." When our health is at risk, we remember the importance of our bodies and our health. Without it, there is no existence. Take care of your body. Reach out to your loved ones. Remember what is truly important. Slow down. Choose Love.

Don’t Dig Up In Doubt What Was Planted In Faith

Your soul knows the truth.
You've dreamed the big vision.
You've planted the seeds.

Doubt will come up.
Fear will come up.

It will tell you all the lies of how you can't do it.
It's just trying to keep you safe.
It's keeping you in the comfort zone.

Dreamer, believer, go-getter, visionary, explorer.
You're here for a reason.
You're here to create a new world, a new paradigm.
You're meant to explore the uncharted territories.
To pave the way and be the guiding light for those after you.
You're here to make big changes.

Come back to yourself.
Come back to your higher self.
Come back to your truth.

Hold it.
See it.
Be it.

Keep going.

Don't dig up in doubt what was planted in faith.

Recovering Perfectionist

Perfectionism is not the cause. It's the symptom.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Hi, my name is Mona and I'm a perfectionist.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Recovering. I'm a recovering perfectionist.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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This is a description that I've been using as the reason of why I do certain things or why I am the way I am. It's also a crutch and an excuse.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Perfectionism shows up when I share publicly with the world. You probably wouldn't be able to guess it, but it's actually super hard for me to write and post on social media. The perfectionism monster rears its head every time and I have to talk myself through it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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While being coached by @audramcclelland, she asked me what shows up along with perfectionism. I stated beliefs that I consciously know are false, but my mind still defaults to. There's this belief that this is the *only* chance that I have to share my messages. Scarcity and all-or-nothing. There's the belief that I'll be too much for people. Fear of taking up space and fear of rejection.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Rejection. That was the golden ticket. Perfectionism is not the cause. For me, it's actually the symptom of a fear of rejection. It always comes back to these core wounds.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I feel the need to get things perfect because historically in my life, I've been rejected for not being perfect. I've been rejected for taking up space, for being too wild. Culturally, Chinese women have been rejected for simply being female.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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The journey continues to learn to accept all parts of myself.

Facing the Fear

We hear these words.
We say these words.

I just have to toughen up and get over it.
I just need to push through the fear.

But what if...
We met our fear.

What if instead of trying to barrel through it,
We allowed ourselves to stop,
And look at it.
Meet it.
Just at the edge
of our comfort zone.

We just might discover
It’s not the thing itself that we’re afraid of
But something much deeper

A fear of rejection
A fear of abandonment
A fear of betrayal

Can you allow yourself to meet the fear?
Can you allow yourself to be gentle with it?

A precious pearl
A budding flower

See the part of you that is scared
Be the person you’ve always needed
Say the words you’ve always needed

It’s okay.

It’s okay.

You’re okay.