I've been running from the feeling of not-good-enough for my entire life.
My surf buddy pointed out that I bail off my board instead of taking on big waves. I'm afraid of getting dumped teeth first into the sand and getting stuck under. It's a valid fear. But it actually goes so much deeper.
The pattern from childhood was that unless I got 100%, it was met with disapproval.
It's the typical asian parent and/or immigrant parent response.
Even when I was placed in the top 10% of my graduating class, it *still* wasn't good enough because I came in at #39, the last person in the top 10%.
.
Instead of getting to celebrate this major accomplishment, I was met with disapproval and comparison to how my friends were doing.
This happened with every grade that came back that wasn't 100%.
.
I got tired of trying so fucking hard to be met with disapproval.
It feels safer to not put in my best effort so that if I fall short, at least I could tell myself that I didn't give it my all.
This pattern shows up in nearly everything. Surfing is a small example.
I've noticed it on a much larger scale that's taken a decade to notice.
Professionally, I've been a painter, designer, photographer, yoga teacher, women's circle leader, and life coach.
Each time I cross over the threshold from complete beginner into "I've got a good grasp on what I"m doing now," that fear kicks in and I start comparing, and feeling less-than.
And then I run away.
I push it away.
I find something new.
Anything to not feel that gut-wrenching, shrinking, not-good-enough feeling.
But now that I've noticed this pattern, I'm choosing a different way.
I'm giving myself the acknowledgement that I didn't receive.
Even though this high school top 10% thing was over a decade ago, I'm celebrating for little Mona.
I took myself to the beach (my happy place), and wrote and spoke all the words that I needed to hear.
GREAT JOB!
You're doing awesome!
Keep going.
You are loved.
No matter what you accomplish, you are loved.
You are loved you are loved you are loved.
I'm celebrating every tiny accomplishment to re-wire my brain to understand that it's okay and it's safe to just try things. It's okay and it's safe to not be #1.
It's okay and it's safe.
You are loved.
Regardless of what's happened to us in the past, we have the responsibility and opportunity to change our course for the future.