Recovering Perfectionist

Perfectionism is not the cause. It's the symptom.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Hi, my name is Mona and I'm a perfectionist.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Recovering. I'm a recovering perfectionist.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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This is a description that I've been using as the reason of why I do certain things or why I am the way I am. It's also a crutch and an excuse.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Perfectionism shows up when I share publicly with the world. You probably wouldn't be able to guess it, but it's actually super hard for me to write and post on social media. The perfectionism monster rears its head every time and I have to talk myself through it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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While being coached by @audramcclelland, she asked me what shows up along with perfectionism. I stated beliefs that I consciously know are false, but my mind still defaults to. There's this belief that this is the *only* chance that I have to share my messages. Scarcity and all-or-nothing. There's the belief that I'll be too much for people. Fear of taking up space and fear of rejection.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Rejection. That was the golden ticket. Perfectionism is not the cause. For me, it's actually the symptom of a fear of rejection. It always comes back to these core wounds.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I feel the need to get things perfect because historically in my life, I've been rejected for not being perfect. I've been rejected for taking up space, for being too wild. Culturally, Chinese women have been rejected for simply being female.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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The journey continues to learn to accept all parts of myself.