People Pleaser

As a recovering people-pleaser (and maybe it's my Libra moon), I want everything to be harmonious all the time.

For years, I prided myself on being a chameleon, being able to adapt to every situation.

But what was actually happening was that I was avoiding confrontation by sacrificing myself, my needs, and wants.

It was a trauma response.

I was afraid someone would get angry with me if I spoke up and what I wanted was different than what they wanted.

So I hid myself and shrank smaller and smaller.

It was better to be unseen. A chameleon.

To me, someone being angry at me meant that I was not safe.

Speaking up = unsafe.

This is a deep rooted belief in our collective. Especially in those of us who have faced oppression and hyper-criticism first hand. Especially in those of us who have ancestral and past lives living in oppression. Especially in intuitive women who may have past lives as healers or witches.

As I've walked this self-love and spiritual journey for the past 5 years, I've shed the layers of trauma and pain that were covering up the real me.

It started with a small group of women.
I whispered my deepest secrets and deepest pain to them that I had been holding onto for a decade.
I was seen. I was held. I was received. I was loved.

I started to speak my truth to more people that I felt safe with.
Each time, I was seen. I was held. I was received. I was loved.

My world was shaken up in 2017 when I realized the place I felt most unsafe was in my home. I couldn't speak up with my partner at the time without being received with hostility and anger.

I had to choose.

The most heart-wrenching choice I had ever made.

I chose myself, my health, my safety.

I continued to choose myself and people who would receive me with love, people with whom I could be myself. 
The darkness started to ebb away, revealing the light that has been in me all along.

May you find safety to speak up. Your voice is needed. Your vision is needed. Your light is needed.

You Are Your Own Guru

You are your own guru. Everything is already within you. Sweet soul, the answers that you're searching for are already within you, waiting to be uncovered and discovered. There is wisdom to be found in all that you do. There are lifetimes and generations of wisdom within you waiting to be awakened. All you need to do is get quiet enough to listen. To quiet the mind that has accumulated the voices of others telling you what to do, to quiet the voices that criticize and tell you that you can't. It's an excavation of messy, scattered, habitual, patterned thoughts, until you reach the nectar of truth. You feel it in your bones. You feel it in your heart. You feel it in your very being. You know. Remember your own wisdom and your own truth. You are your own guru.

Guru means bringer of light, dispeller of darkness.

Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo.
I bow to the Creative Wisdom, I bow to the Divine Teacher within.

Questions for contemplation:
How can I be my own guru?
What have I been told about how I "should" live life that does not resonate with me?
What do I believe?
How can I find the answers within?
What is causing me to think that I am not enough and that I need to look outside of myself?

Debt Regrets

What is your biggest debt regret?

My biggest debt regret was not a single instance but a series of mistakes that all stemmed from a lack of boundaries. It was the inability to say No, the fear of consequences if I did say No. The lack of boundaries manifested in many different ways in my life, but here are two relevant to money:
* The fear of missing out: making plans with friends and going to expensive restaurants and places, even when I didn't have the money for it. * The fear of someone else's reactions: buying things for them that I didn't agree on out of fear of being guilt-tripped.

Through these regrets, I learned ways to spend time with friends that didn't involve spending money that I didn't have. I got comfortable with the idea that I won't be able to do it all right now. I learned that my friends will still be friends even if I didn't have the money to do all sorts of things with them. I learned that someone else's reactions are about themselves and not about me. I learned to be okay with someone else's reactions. I learned that guilt is a powerful motivator and if someone is guilt-tripping me about something, it's probably not a healthy dynamic and that I am out of alignment with what I actually want. 
What are your biggest debt regrets? What are the lessons that you learned?

Do any of these resonate with you or leave you with more questions? Comment or DM me! I'm working on a library of resources and want to know the areas where you'd like guidance. 

Love Siren :: Love

I’ve been asked “how was Greece?!” And I keep responding with something like “I don’t even have the words for it. It was so amazing.”

It’s hard to sum up in a sentence.

How do I explain that it was a freaking REBIRTH for my soul?!

The words “amazing,” “awesome,” “incredible,” just fall flat.

So to start, I’ll tell you about our dance practices where I felt like I journeyed through an entire lifetime in two hours.

We danced.
We danced to feel our bones, our skeleton.
We danced into the crevices of our psyche,
the memories that our bodies have long since buried.
And we dug them up.

I felt the trauma that has long been dormant in my body.
I let my emotions run free
and I cried.
Full
body
sobs
that bring you to your knees.
For the old me.
For my ancestors.
For the women in the world.
Especially the ones who don’t have the safety
or the privilege
to do the work that we’re doing here.

We dug up our anger.
The rage for the injustices in the world.
The rage for all the times that my boundaries were violated.
The rage for all the times I wanted to scream NOOO
but had to keep the peace and sit quiet and pretty.
The rage for all the women through all of time
who have had their bodies violated,
raped.

And we SCREAMED.
At the top of our lungs.
For the entire island to hear.

I screamed for the times that I had to stay silent.
For the times that I was told to "shut up."
For the times that I didn't have a say because I was "too young" and that "elders know best."
I screamed for all the people and animals who don't have a voice.
The ones who don't have the ability or the freedom to speak up.
I screamed for my mom, who grew up in communist China
where books were burned
where knowledge and expression was considered a threat.

I screamed because I CAN.
Because I CAN use my voice.
Because I am FREE and I am WILD.

And my tears
they turned to
relief
gratitude
joy
wonder.

I am here.
In paradise.
Following my heart.
Following my intuition.
Defying the odds.

My therapist once told me
to be where I am in life is nothing short of a miracle.
With all I've been through,
it would have been more likely for me to end up on the streets.

Yet.

Here I am.

I let that sink in.

To be here is a miracle.
What I've endured is my gift. My power.

I am here.

Doing this work
and a guiding light for others on this path.

I am here.

Using my voice.
Taking up space.
Shining BRIGHT.
Radiance.

The sunlight peaked through the slatted roof.
Sparkles from the tears flooded my vision.

YES.

I am here.

We danced with joy.
The way to love was clear.
Our bodies and our minds unburdened from
the trauma that had held us captive.
Released.
Free.

We danced.
To express.
To flow.
To receive.
To love.

Open.
To love.
Be love.
For love.

I am here.
For love.

Money is Energy

I used to believe “money is the root of all evil” and that people who had money had to sell their souls to get money.
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I was longing for a life where I could travel, which requires money and/or time. But with my beliefs around money, I was pushing it away from me, thinking that if I had money, that would mean I had to do bad things in order to attain it. It was conflicting.
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Money is energy. It doesn’t make someone a good or bad person if they have it. We get to choose how we use it.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
How do you want to use money?

Love Siren :: Gaia

This is where we stood, each claiming our own space, flowers in hand.

Our altar back at the yoga shala was laid with flowers. Big, bold red. Delicate, pure white. Herbs of green and purple. We had just invoked the Goddesses, danced through our emotions, and shared our intentions and offerings for the week.

"My intention is to shine, to take up space, to show up fully as myself, to not dim myself down, to speak up, to use my voice.
My offering is to see each one of you as the whole, complete, and sovereign beings that you are."

Gaia was our guiding Goddess for the day. The mother of all life, our Earth Mother. We were reminded that we are not separate from nature and the Earth. We are born from it. We are created from the same source as the animals, the plants, the water, the land.

Even though we may each have our own individual bodies, we are all connected through our humanness, our earthliness, our emotions. Together, we, along with everything else, form the entire Earth.

Camille asked us to pick a flower.

I was drawn to one of the big, bright red flowers. A cluster of many small flowers that formed a sphere. A whole world in itself. But still hesitant about appearing bold, I let a few other women choose their flowers before me. I thought, if a red one is still there, I'm going to take it.

And so I did.

In silence, flowers in hand, we walked. Individually and together. Staying with our intention. Our feet meeting the rocky terrain for the first time. Avoiding the spiky plants that were just trying to protect themselves. Eyes close to the ground as each step offered a new challenge. We walked to the far cliffs and stood as close to the edge as we dared.

Here I stood. Reflecting on my intention, my offering, and Gaia. Feeling reverence for every rock, every plant, every ant. Feeling reverence for the vast sky and powerful ocean. I poured my love into this single yet multiple flower, and let her fall onto the rocks way way below, awaiting her chance to be swept into the ocean. Back to Mother Ocean. Back to Mother Earth. Gaia.

You are connected. You are complete. You are whole.

Love Siren :: The Leap

This is where I sat.
Knees weak with fear and excitement.
I had just climbed down from the top of the cliff,
body hugged close to the rocks.
More afraid of falling backwards
than making my own choice to jump.

It was a long way down.
I've done this before.
But maybe not from this high.
My heart was pounding and
I felt my own mortality.
I felt alive.

I was as ready as I'll ever be.

I jumped.

Seconds rushed by with the air.
Nothingness.
Just falling.

My toes plunged in first,
torpedoing through the water.
This was a different world.
Sound returned, filling up my ears.
Whirling bubbles
as I shot back up to the surface.

YES!!!!!!!

Love Siren :: The Unknown

Alessandra, Amanda, and I walked in silence to this natural pool, Devil’s Eye, also called the Piscina. It was 7am, our dedicated quiet time, and the sun was just waking up. It was the dawn of our second full day on the island and it already felt like we had journeyed through lifetimes of love and grief, and joy and rage.

We jumped from the ledge, one by one, still in awe of the beauty of the island. Ally whispered to us that from she the spot she jumped from, the pool looked like an inverted heart. I contemplated that imagery as I floated and started to feel tension ebb from my body. A heart. I felt like I was being held in Gaia's heart. Our earth mother's heart.

With my ears just below the surface, I could hear a delicate crackling sound. It was coming from the underwater pebbles skipping across rocks as the tide gently eased in and out. I could feel Gaia holding me, whispering to me, "let go... let go... let go..." I felt my body soften just a little bit more, the water taking my pain, my grief, my anger, and dissolving it in its current.

The sun was still coming up and had only illuminated half the pool into brilliant turquoise. The other half was still a deep navy blue. As I drifted into the navy water, I felt my body tightening again. Needing to flee. Fear. I was afraid of the dark water. I was afraid of the dark crevices at the edges. I paddled myself back into the light again, feeling safer. But why? What was I afraid of?

My breathe was loud with my ears beneath the surface. My body would float upward as I filled my lungs, and sink as the air reunited with the sky. What was I afraid of? I was afraid of something from the depths of the water that I couldn't see coming up to grab me. I knew there was nothing there except maybe a small school of silver fish. But the darkness. I was afraid of the darkness because I didn't know what was there.

The unknown. That was my fear. I've been through dark times and have no problems with diving deep into my past and my trauma. But the unknown. The future. The uncertainty. That's my biggest fear.

It was time to go. To be in our own thoughts and bodies as we walked back and got ready for our morning practice at the yoga shala. We walked into the unknown, trusting ourselves and trusting each other for the magic that was about to unfold.

Love Siren :: An Invitation to Shine

Walking up to the yoga shala for the first time, we waited in line as Camille greeted us at the entrance, one by one. It was our opening ceremony, and I was bursting with excitement. The music wafting from the shala was soothing and otherworldly. I knew that coming to this country and to this island, would be magical, but as I waited, I knew we were about to step into something else altogether. Time-stopping sacred and ancient magic.

It was my turn. My flip-flops slid off my feet and I stepped into our sacred temple. Camille and I gazed into each other's eyes. We were reuniting. We've been on a journey before in Costa Rica. I was looking into the eyes of one of my greatest teachers from this lifetime. I could see her ancient wisdom, and I knew that I would be coming home to myself throughout the week.

We invoked each of the Goddesses that we would be journeying with. Gaia. Artemis. Persephone. Medusa. Athena. Hecate. Aphrodite. Hestia. We invited in the spirits of our ancestors, our spirit guides, angels. Anyone to guide us through this sacred rebirth.

We danced. Eyes closed. Letting the music awaken the Shakti, the fluid and feminine energy within us. It wasn't me moving my body. My body was moving me. We started low and slow on the ground. We came to stand and felt deep into our bones- our spine, our hips, our knees. We stomped our feet. We moved faster. Stomping with the beat. Stomping all the rage and the anger that has been stored in my body. I let my head go and just shook my body, shaking out all the shit from a lifetime. Exhausted, panting, the music changed. We slowed down.

The path was cleared for the joy, the bliss, the light to arise. She prompted us, shine, SHINE. And I started sobbing. I felt my heart and my body open, radiating light. Open. Expansive. I was sobbing for my past self, the little Mona who had to stay meek and quiet. The little girl who had to hide. The little girl who wasn't allowed to use her voice. I sobbed for my past self, the woman who was called stupid. The woman who had to keep herself small so that she wouldn't upset the people around her- the ones that weren't okay with her being happier, more successful, or outshining them.

So I let myself SHINE. Tears glistening, sobbing in gratitude for where I am now. Gratitude for the space and the permission to shine, to show up as my full self.

Their Criticism Is Not You

Sweet soul, the cutting criticisms you've endured throughout your life- they are not you.
They are often a reflection of the inner state of the person who spoke them.
They were in pain and they wanted you to see their pain.
They wanted to be acknowledged, and they lassoed you to join them in their pain.
You don't have to stay there.

You don't have to stay there.
You don't have to stay there.

Remember the good that you are.
You don't have to spend your life proving them wrong.

Perhaps those criticisms told you were too bright, too much,
and that you needed to dim down for those around you. 
No. 
Shine.
Shine bright,
because the world needs your light. 
Allow those who are searching for light to come to you. 
You don't have to fix them.
They are not your responsibility.
You simply have to be you.
Do what you do.
Be who you are.
Speak truth and kindness.
May light-seekers be inspired your light to find their own. 
You are whole and complete.
You are good enough.
You are exactly where you need to be. 

Fear and courage

FEAR AND COURAGE

Courage: doing the scary thing despite the fear.

I'm scared of something every single day. It ranges from a phobia, to the moldy fruit at the bottom of the refrigerator drawer, to not having enough money. Fortunately, I don't have to be scared of being eaten by a lion like our ancestors, or not having food, shelter, or water. But I fear that I might not be successful in my own business someday, and it awakens the dear old friends of Perfectionism and Inner Critic.

Perfectionism nudges me, "If you're going to put something out there, it has to be the perfect time, the perfect place, the perfect words. I mean, if it's not going to be absolutely perfect and efficient, then you're just wasting your time. What's the point otherwise? Everyone will see you're a fraud." Perfectionism is also best friends with Imposter Syndrome. It stops me in my tracks as I scramble to make everything just so.

Then Inner Critic jumps at the chance, taking the baton and running with it. It plants seeds of doubt and unworthiness. It whispers "Who are you to be doing this? There's no way you'll be able to make enough money. Someone else is already doing what you want to do. What's the point? You need to be more realistic." I notice that my body starts to shrink- my shoulders hunch forward, everything seems so much bigger than me, and I withdraw into myself.

The Fear, Perfectionism, and Inner Critic- they may always be there but I don't have to listen to them. They're the friend or family member that's always giving us terrible, unsolicited advice to keep us small, to dim our light. Just because they don't see the possibilities and potential, doesn't mean we have to blindfold ourselves too.

Right now, I do feel small. I'm standing at the bottom of a giant mountain and I can't see the peak. I have no idea what lies ahead. There could be dragons to slay, mudslides, and dead ends.

But I've walked up other mountains in the past. Yes, there were hard times. Sometimes, I had a guide that lit the way ahead, sometimes I walked with a friend beside me, sometimes I walked alone, and sometimes I had no map or compass. But I made it through each time. And that feeling of standing at a peak with the open sky above- accomplished, free, expansive, on top of the world. I know it's there and I know it's possible.

I'm telling those unhelpful friends of Fear, Perfectionism, and Inner Critic, "thanks but no thanks." I'm leaning into the fear. I'm filling my body up with that expansive energy. Shoulders back and head high, one foot in front of the other. I'm re-aligning myself with that expansive energy every time the Inner Critic wants to push me down.

I'm looking fear in the face, "Yeah, you scare me a whole lot. But I'm gonna do it anyways and it's going to be okay. It's going to be more than okay. It's going to be beautiful, and magical, and so much fun."

Summer Will Be Here Soon

“Breathe,” I say, as a yoga teacher. My body screams back, “I can’t fuckin’ breathe. I can’t bring enough air into my body.” Hello, old friends. Anxiety and Depression. I’m glad I can recognize you much quicker now, nestling into my body.

I managed to hang on to the Sunny California Vibes for 5 days after returning but winter depression has set in again. I have a lot to look forward to in the coming months but until then, every day of winter feels like trying to live life with my head in a bag that’s slowly suffocating me, carrying buckets of bricks on my shoulders, while walking through mud.

I have to wear these constricting vices that most call “pants,” but even these are not enough to block out the cold wind that seeps into my bones and my soul, eroding all that I love about myself, making me believe that I need to be someone else in order to survive and belong. That I need to be someone who loves black jackets, boots, and sweater weather. That I need to join in the collective brag about how we can survive harsh winters.

In my head, it conjures up imaginary scenarios of people being mad at me because of something I said. It makes me want to build walls around myself because interacting with people is just too hard. It makes me think that people are going to leave me because I didn’t live up to their expectations. It makes me think that I’m not a good person and that I’ll never be enough.

No. No to all of it. No to believing that I’m not good enough. No to thinking people are mad at me. No to pretending to be someone I’m not.

The layers upon layers of winter clothing are hiding the real me.

I was born in the tropics. I grew up minutes from the ocean on Long Island. I’ve always thrived in sunshine and color. I crave the heat. I relish in the sweaty, lush green jungle, sand in every crevice. Salt in my hair. Flip flops and bare feet. That feeling of laying in bed after a day in the waves, still feeling the bobbing rhythm of Mother Ocean.
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“Hang in there. Summer will be here soon.” I’m tired of living half my life telling myself that it’ll be better soon.

However winter has taught me about how to care for myself.
Journaling.
Yoga.
Sun lamp.
Yellow glasses.
Vitamin D.
Therapy.
CBD.
Dance.
Music.
Regular digestion.
Healthy food.
Gratitude practice.
Meditation.
Get into nature.

All of this to feel okay. Just okay. Long enough to get through one day to the next.

I’m grateful to have these self-care practices in my toolbox. Someday soon, I will no longer need to practice all of these self-care practices every day for 7 months of the year just to feel okay. Someday soon, I will live somewhere that I can step outside into the warm sun nearly every day. I will reconnect with dear Mother Ocean.

Despite the depression, I’m still grateful to be here in Chicago with my partner, friends, and the amazing work that I get to do.

I know how privileged I am to be able to work remote and travel to sunny places. But I’m also in a position where I no longer need to simply survive. I have the opportunity to thrive. I have a choice and I have a voice. I’ve always had a choice. It’s been only my own limiting beliefs that have kept me from living the sunny life of my dreams.

I choose to live life with ease and joy.
I choose to speak up for my needs.
I choose to be the voice for those who can’t at this time.
I choose to speak up about mental health.
I choose sunlight and nature.

Until then... Hang in there. Summer will be here soon.

Dear 18-Year-Old Mona

Dear 18-year-old Mona,

You are beautiful. You are so beautiful, inside and out. I know you don’t believe it, I know you don’t believe when anyone tells you that. I know you’ve struggled so much with your body and that you’ll continue to do so. I know that you think you’re fat and ugly. I know it will be more years before you begin to see your radiance. You are beautiful.

I know you’re in a relationship where you are constantly let down, and I know you’re going to cling on to it for another 8 years. I know you think it’s the best you’ll ever have and that you don’t deserve better. I know it’s going to break you. It’s going to bring out the absolute worst in you. You’re going to hurl hateful, spiteful words with the intention to hurt and cut deep. You’re going to be called a crazy bitch on a nearly daily basis. You believe it. You believe that “relationships are hard.” You believe that this abuse is just a part of the “hard times.” You don’t even realize it’s abuse. You believe that throwing things, slamming doors, punching walls, yelling, and insulting each other are just “normal” fights that every couple has. IT IS NOT. IT IS NOT OKAY. I would say I’m sorry, but I’m not. I know this is what it takes for you to grow, for you to see how bad it can be. It will be the contrast to what’s possible. You are a fucking warrior. You’ve already been through so much and you’re going to continue to go through more of the hardest years of your life. I am amazed at your capacity to love, even the people who have hurt you.

Keep following your heart. It’s going to lead you to yoga and all the right people who will help change your life. You’re going to find a friend who is going to shower you with fierce, loving kindness. She’s going to show you what it’s like to be loved unconditionally, without criticism or abuse. She’s going to show you how to love yourself. When you love yourself, it will only expand your ability to love everyone around you. It will show you how you want to be treated.

Even though you’re a dreamer and an optimist, you have no idea of the greatness that is even possible and how much you have grown and changed. Keep on loving.

Love always,
Mona, 28

Recieving

.:: R E C E I V I N G ::.
.
How do you receive love? Rest? The story of Monet in this booklet is helping me flip my perspective around work and rest, work and play, and judgements around laziness. I often feel like when I’m resting or not doing anything, that I’m being lazy, and then I fall into this shame spiral that causes me to numb out in front of Netflix for an entire day because I’m so overwhelmed. But if I allow myself a true reset WITHOUT guilt and shame, then creativity just FLOWS. Astrologically speaking, we’re coming out of a period of rest but I still find this message equally important.
.:.
How are you receiving right now? How do you want to be receiving? Do you allow yourself to receive? Is it uncomfortable to receive? How can you practice so that it gets a little easier each time? What possibilities are there if you allow yourself you receive with your whole heart?
.:.
Sacred Rebels Oracle by @alana_fairchild
Artwork by @autumnskyeart

Taking Up Space

.:. TAKING UP S P A C E .:.
I was at one of those order then sit restaurants. It was busy with lots of people standing around, waiting for take out orders, but only about a third of the tables were taken. I was there by myself and wanted a booth but the only one available was a 4-top. In fact, most of the tables were 4-tops.
.:.
My mind immediately went to how I shouldn’t take a big table in case other people wanted to sit. I found a little 2 person high top that was in between other people and then I stopped.
.:.
Wait a second. There are so many empty tables. Why can’t I just take the one that I want? Why do I feel the need to cram myself in between a bunch of other people and use this little table? I turned around and took the 4-top with the booth seating.
.:.
How often of you try to make yourself as small as possible?
How often do you accept second best?
How often do you think that you are not worthy of nice things or what you really want?
.:.
You are worthy of the 4-top booth. You are worthy of taking up space. You are worthy of being seen and heard. ✨

You've Messed With The Wrong Witch

Last weekend, I flew to Dallas and someone took my carry-on suitcase!! Our plane was late and there were a lot of passengers that had a tight connection so there was a mad dash off the plane. I grabbed a suitcase from the overhead bin and as I was walking down the jetway, it slowly dawned on me that it wasn't my suitcase. It looked nearly identical. Of course, neither one of us had put a luggage tag on our suitcases. Who would have thought that my carry-on bag would be taken!

It was a two-hour adventure of a wild goose chase around the airport to try and track down the person who had my suitcase before finally admitting defeat. I left their bag with Baggage Claim and left the airport empty-handed.

I was so hungry after not eating all morning so I set aside my original plan went to a Whole Foods near the hotel. When I got up to the cashier, I realized that she was one of my former yoga students!! I called the airline to file a claim for my bag and the woman on the phone was shocked and said "wow, you've just taught me so many life lessons of always putting a name tag on my suitcase!!" My friends were arriving soon and fortunately I could borrow clothing from them for the weekend and I could get any toiletries I needed. A few hours later, I got a call saying that they had found my suitcase!!!!!!!!!

Through all of this, it was my attitude that kept me from freaking. the. fuck. out. It helped me see that I could rely on the kindness of others and that my friends have my back. If this had happened a few years ago, it would have been a tantrum and tear-filled terrible day that could have ruined my trip. I would have been angry at everyone, scared, and hopeless.

But I knew through it all, that I would eventually get my stuff back and I released any expectations around timing. I knew that I could get through the weekend regardless of whether or not I had my bags. I know that if none of this had happened, I wouldn't have ended up at that Whole Foods to see my former student.

And there's so much delight in imagining the face of the person who opened up my suitcase to find 4 tarot and oracle decks and thinking "oh shit, I just fucked with the wrong witch."

Allow Yourself to Rest Without Guilt

Stillness is okay too. In fact, it’s necessary. Life has been turbulent for far too long. Allow yourself to rest without guilt. Still does not equate to stagnant. If you look closely, you’ll see that there are still waves, smaller actions happening. Stillness may be uncomfortable. You may enjoy the swells of hurricanes, but even those have a moment of calm. You are exactly where you need to be. There are lessons to be learned even if, especially if, you allow the stillness and the quiet.

Stillness is OK too

Stillness is okay too. In fact, it’s necessary. Life has been turbulent for far too long. Allow yourself to rest without guilt. Still does not equate to stagnant. If you look closely, you’ll see that there are still waves, smaller actions happening. Stillness may be uncomfortable. You may enjoy the swells of hurricanes, but even those have a moment of calm. You are exactly where you need to be. There are lessons to be learned even if, especially if, you allow the stillness and the quiet.

How I Paid Off Over $10,600 of Credit Card Debt in One Year

I got my first credit card in January 2013. It was my first year out of college and I was unemployed. My savings was dwindling dangerously low. I was able to pay off the balance each month for a while but eventually, as the due date approached each month, I worried if I would be able to pay the balance. It snowballed. My parents helped me out once. I transferred my balance to another card with a promotional 0% APR with great intentions of paying it all off before the interest started. But I found myself in the Fall of 2017 staring at a 5-figure number. It was bad. I felt hopeless about ever being able to pay it off and pursue my dreams.

This wild ride of paying off my credit card debt has an external part and an internal part. The money and mindset. The money: the practical bits, and what you'll read in most articles about getting out of debt. The mindset: the mental, emotional, and spiritual. The real stuff. The hard stuff. The most necessary. I tried to just follow the financial advice from my parents and online articles for years. When that didn't work, I had to make mindset shifts. That's when real change happened.

The money

Budget

• I evaluated how much I was spending and where I could cut back.

• I worked with a free financial coach. If you're in Chicago, Next Door Cafe has financial coaches free of charge. If you work 9-5, it’s challenging to get an appointment time with them, but if you can, it is the one of the best things you can do for yourself.

• I created a spreadsheet of my monthly expenses.

• I created a spreadsheet to track all my purchases. It creates awareness on how and where I use my money. I've tried apps like Mint, but tracking this on my own created deeper understanding of my spending habits.

Bank Accounts

I created several accounts to separate my money. Chase Bank allows you to nickname accounts, so I named them something fun, positive, and encouraging.

• Checking account for monthly automatic payments. This account is reserved for monthly purchases that I know are the same each time such as rent, utilities, health insurance, subscriptions (Spotify, Netflix, etc).

• Checking account for flex spending (spending that varies). I allocate $250 a week to this account for purchases like groceries, Uber, eating out, personal care, home care. If it gets down to zero, that's it. No using the credit card. I could move money over from savings if I'm really in a pinch but I try not to do that. I call this account "Gratitude."

• Savings account for short-term things like a fun night out, a new pair of shoes, or whatever I might want to buy that's not included in my budget. I set up automatic transfers to this account. I’ve changed the name of this one “Joy” to “Future Fun” to “I am Trustworthy.”

• Savings account for longer-ish term goals. I'm currently using it to save for travel over the winter. I set up automatic transfers to this account. I call this one "Follow the Sun."

• Savings account at a different bank for a “safety net.”

Safety Net

I struggled with the decision of savings first or paying off debt first. I did not like the idea of living without a financial cushion/safety net/emergency fund, whatever you want to call it. It caused so much anxiety, which in turn caused me to make unwise financial decisions out of fear. I recognized the importance of peace of mind so I went with the safety net savings account first. I opened an account through Ally Bank, which has pretty good interest rates (1.9%). The number that makes you feel safe will be different for everyone. For me, it was $800. I've heard others recommend 3 months of living expenses.

I set up automatic transfers to this account with each paycheck. While I was saving and creating this safety net, I was only paying the minimum on my credit cards and allocating the rest of my money to this Ally savings account. The rest of my accounts are at Chase but I purposely chose a different bank for this savings account because it takes several days for money to transfer over so I can't just make an impulsive buy.

Credit Card Payments

When I reached my Safety Net goal, I started to make payments to the credit cards. But this did not feel good. At all. It felt like my money was evaporating into thin air.

When I was saving, I realized that I enjoy saving money. So I decided to maintain those automatic transfers to the Ally saving account, and once a month, I took a portion of this money to pay my card.

Shopping Hiatus

I went on a shopping hiatus for 3 months. My rules were that I could only buy necessities and experiences (yoga workshops and concert tickets). If your debt is from buying experiences, a different type of purchasing hiatus might be for you. I knew that my brain would try to find a loophole so I added another rule: no tangible items or kindle books. I tried to consume what I already had before buying more.

The mindset

Get honest

Cultivating awareness is the first and most important step. I had to ask myself, "how did I get into debt?" and “why am I still in debt?” I had to get real and stop bullshitting myself here. Discovering the answers is its own journey.

Shopping addiction

I was researching shopping addiction for reasons unrelated to myself when I realized, "Oh shit. I do most of these things." I didn't think much of it then and kept living my life, making the same poor choices over and over again. My wake-up call was one glorious summer day. I work on State Street in Chicago, one of the biggest shopping districts in the city. I had an appointment after work that was canceled at the last minute, but I still had to be downtown for a while before meeting a friend for dinner. I could have passed the time by sunbathing at the park or journaling, but instead, my anxiety took over and I went to Anthropologie. As I stood in line, I thought to myself "I have no money in my bank account right now. I'm already $8,000 in debt. But I can't stop myself and I'm going to use my credit card." I hated myself in that moment of weakness, but it showed me how out of control my shopping compulsion had become.

Why did I shop?

It would still be a few more months before I got serious about getting out of debt but I started to notice the patterns.

• I constantly felt like I was not enough and that this new shiny thing would make my life better.

• It was one way that I bonded with my mom, some of my high school friends, and some of my college friends.

• It was something to do.

• The high from getting something new.

• Fashion is a form of self-expression and I didn't know how else to tell the world "this is me!"

• I wanted to be prepared for any and every situation and I felt that I had to buy things in order to feel prepared.

• I tried to fix someone else's depression by buying them gifts.

I have anxiety most of the time and sometimes I get into these obsessive frenzies where the only thing I can think about is how I need a particular item. I'll research it to no end and it's as if the only way to pop that bubble of tension is to buy it. Great. Problem solved. For now. Until the next bout comes around. Each thing I bought caused massive amounts of guilt, anxiety about the growing amount of debt, helplessness, and hopelessness about ever getting out of debt. And the vicious cycle continues.

The inability to say NO

Between my people-pleasing tendencies and complete lack of boundaries, I did not know how to say NO. Whenever friends wanted to go out, I would say yes and end up spending money that I did not have. In addition to the people-pleasing and lack of boundaries, I was regularly being guilt-tripped and manipulated in my last relationship. I did not have the awareness, strength, or confidence to say NO so I ended up paying for nearly everything. This is a whole other crazy journey, a story for another day, but it contributed just as much to the debt as the shopping addiction.

Take responsibility

Even if it was not your fault, it's your responsibility to heal from this. Will Smith gives a couple excellent examples in this video: "It's not somebody's fault if their father was an abusive alcoholic but it's for damn sure their responsibility to figure out how they're going to deal with those traumas and try to make make a life out of it. It's not your fault if your partner cheated and ruined your marriage but it's for sure damn sure your responsibility to figure out how to take that pain and overcome that and build a happy life for yourself."

By accepting full self-responsibility, we step into full self-empowerment.

I gave myself time to grieve, mourn, cry, yell, throw myself a pity party. Then, I stopped blaming (others, myself, the universe) and started taking action.

Heal and Trust

Healing my blocks around money

I had to let go of the belief that money is the root of all evil. I looked to people who are wealthy and are doing amazing things with their money. Examples: Oprah, Ellen DeGeneres, Bill Gates. Money is energy and I get to choose how I use it. I can use it for good. I can trust myself enough to know that money will not make me greedy, or entitled, or any of the other criticisms I've heard about people who have money.

Healing my relationship with money

My life-coach, Lelia Christine, asked me to look at money as a person: if money were a person, how am I treating him/her/them? Would he want to be friends with me? Am I treating him nicely or am I pushing him away? Telling him I don't need/want him?

My relationship with Money was pretty bad. I was scared of him, I pushed him away, I didn't think I deserved him, I thought I was greedy for wanting him. I had to create a relationship with money that I would want to be in. One that's loving, safe, supportive, and honest.

Learn how to receive

When someone gave me a compliment, I pushed it away and felt ashamed and guilty of saying “Thank you.” I believed that it made me vain or conceited or egotistical. I was pushing away loving words. I would do the same with gifts. It’s actually a part of etiquette in the Chinese culture to refuse a gift three times before it’s considered polite to accept. But I don’t live in China, nor are any of my friends Chinese. So I’ve been turning away kindness, compliments, gifts, and I used that same mentality to turn away money and abundance. It’s a practice to receive without guilt.

Gratitude

I write down what I am grateful for and remember how much I truly have and how abundant my life already is. I’ve experienced the power of gratitude in occasional doses, but I’m about to embark on a 28-day gratitude challenge where every day, I will write down 10 things I am grateful for and WHY. A practice gratitude on its own has the power to make dramatic changes.

Abundance Mentality

My mind automatically falls into old stories about how I don’t have any money (untrue) and I forget that more is coming in soon. I'm still working on this one. I'm still retraining my mind to believe that abundance is always flowing in.

I work with this mantra. I write it down whenever I’m feeling anxious about money. I breathe and repeat:

Abundance flows freely to me and I am well taken care of by my loved ones and the Universe.

Are you ready to be free?

I don’t regret a single penny that got me into this debt because the life lessons learned and self-inquiry along the way are invaluable.

This journey has not been easy. I’ve worked with a life-coach, a financial coach, and completed online courses to change my mindset around money. I could dive so much deeper into each of these topics that I’ve listed.

This journey is not for the faint of heart. So much shit came up. But I was ready to face it all and by releasing the heavy bondage of debt, victimhood, and shame, I feel light, free, and full of possibilities and hope.

Want to learn all of this from me? Join me for Diving for Treasure, a soulful exploration to create freedom and flow with money.

What is your story? What did you find to be helpful? Which topics would you like to read more about? How can I be of service to you on your journey to lightness and freedom?

Body Image

Let’s talk :: B O D Y I M A G E ::

This photo was taken at a magnificent waterfall in Costa Rica, which was my ideal image of Costa Rica, and what drew me there in the first place. But something was off. I felt kinda bleh all day. Something wasn’t living up to my expectations. I felt separate even though I was in a group. But I hadn’t been able to put words to it yet, just a bleghh feeling. A guttural sound. I didn’t realize what I was feeling or why was until dinner time: I had been self conscious about my body all day!! I was in PARADISE and my mind was still in a loop of comparing and judging.

I was surrounded by beautiful women and I was comparing my body to theirs.

I brought this up during our dinner when I realized it. Our retreat leader, Camille, asked the group who has ever felt self conscious about their body. And it looked like that scene from Mean Girls when they were asked to “raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by Regina George.” Every. single. hand went up. One of them shared with me, “it’s all internal. Even though I know I look good, I usually don’t feel it.”

This is all coming up for me today and being tied together with the body shame that’s rampant in the Chinese culture (and many other cultures too). From my earliest memories to around 13 years old, I was told, what seemed like on a daily basis, that I was too skinny. Then one day, it was like a switch flipped and I was told I was fat. I was also criticized for things about my body that were outside of my control such as the color of my skin, the size of my eyes, the length of my eyelashes, and the size of the hands and feet.

It’s taken me years to feel good about myself and my body on most days, but all it takes is one comment to send me back into that negative spiral.

So here’s to you, my fellow human, who has probably also experienced body shame:

You are beautiful. You are loved. You are perfectly imperfect. You are enough.

Say it again and again, make it a mantra, until you believe it.

I am beautiful. I am loved. I am perfectly imperfect. I am enough. ✨