Go Live Your Life

I don’t know about you, but I could always use these friendly reminders: what we see from other people’s social media pages are a highlight reel of their best or grandest moments, and comparison is the thief of joy. So take a L O N G deep breath, stop scrolling, and go live your life. And if you’re like me and still scrolling because anxiety or boredom, take five minutes and sit quietly and observe the thoughts that come up. 

My life does not look like this every day. I am still in Chicago working a 9-5 job in corporate. Thankfully it gives me the time and space to teach yoga, write, and dream up new ways of creating beautiful experiences for you through classes, moon circles, online videos, and so much more to come! 😉💖🌺🧚🏽‍♀️

The Wild Will Not Be Tamed

Look inside- what do you see?
I see a girl
who was caged,
broken and scared.

I see a girl
who was fed
projections and lies.

I see a girl
who called herself a chameleon
because she could adapt
to any situation-
but in reality
she was hiding,
shrinking into the background
so that she would not be noticed
and picked on
and picked apart
by the vultures
by the spiteful words
disguised as love.

The wild
will not be tamed.
I see a girl
who was caged.
She was told
she was too wild.
Too wild 
to be seen. 
Too wild
for the American Dream.

I see a girl
who has worn
mask after mask
to fit in,
to fit the image.
I see a girl
who has built up 
wall after wall
to protect herself.
She believed
her true self was
too wild
too much
and simultaneously
not enough.

I see a girl
who was caged
broken and scared.

Look again.
What do you see?

I see a woman
who saw
a crack of light
through the masks
of darkness.

I see a woman
who let her heart
crack open
to the possibilities. 

I see a woman
who found safety
and started to
quietly
secretly
tell her story.

I see a woman
who has taken off
mask after mask
broken down
wall after wall.

I see a woman
who has met
her true self,
the one
that was there
all along.

I see a woman
who is trusting
her own voice
her own intuition
her own guidance
her own path.

I see a woman
who has broken the cage.
She runs free and wild.

The Wild Will Not Be Tamed.


First published on Elephant Journal.

How Do You Want to FEEL?

How do you want to feel?

What will you do to feel the way you want to feel?

I ask myself these questions almost every day as a way of checking in with myself. Three answers always come up- Peace, Joy, and Love. Yeah, it's all rainbows and butterflies, but it's so much more. 

Peace

For me, peace means living with ease, being well rested, quiet, zen, safety, security, care-free, freedom to be myself. It's a quiet feeling, where I can fully relax, breathe, and know that all is well. 

Joy

For me, joy means feeling alive, looking at the world with awe, feeling inspired, excited, happy, motivated, freedom to explore, learn, and grow. It's expansive, big, like I can do anything, running through the fields with arms wide open kind of feeling. 

Love

For me, love feels like belonging, being fully accepted, being seen and heard, gratitude, giving, serving, connection. 

Connection

I keep coming back to connection. What does connection mean to me?

It means being first and foremost connected with myself- in body, mind and spirit. I do this through self-care practices of yoga, meditation, journaling, oracle cards, dance, food, therapy, learning, sleep, being in nature, in solitude.

When I have fulfilled my basic needs and am feeling centered and clear, I can move outside of my own body into my physical surroundings and connect with others- my relationships, my home, my work space, and more nature.

When I feel connected to the people in my life and my surroundings, I can give even more and I ask what can I offer the world? What am I naturally talented at? What do I love doing? How can I combine those and serve my community?

It starts within and moves outwards, expanding infinitely with love. 💖🦋✨🌈☀️🌴🌱💚

Rest. Recharge. Revisit.

Rest.

Recharge.

Revisit.

Remember.

Return.

Realize.

Realign.

Recover.

Reflect.

Receive.

It’s time to turn within. People and lessons from the past may be returning for another opportunity for growth. Reflect on the past, reflect on yourself. Take it slow. Take it easy. Whether or not you believe the planets effects on us, it’s always a good RE-MIND-ER to be mindful. Allow yourself extra rest and reflection from now until mid-April. And no, it doesn’t have to be on a tropical beach. 😜😉😆💛💚💙

Release the Struggle

I’ve watched my yoga practice change over the years.

When I started practicing Ashtanga primary series, which is an intense hour and a half sequence, I was determined on getting my body into all the poses and progressing on to second series. The poses were the goal. I’ve gone through phases of doing this practice every day to not at all. There’s been times that this practice feels like an epic journey akin to slaying dragons.

I’ve noticed this month how I tense up my shoulders and fight through the practice. I was mindful in my practice yesterday about the tension in my shoulders and taking things easy on my knees and not forcing myself as far as I could into a pose that my body wasn’t ready for yet. I allowed myself the full 5 breaths to deepen into each posture. I didn’t get as deeply into the postures as I’ve gone before but I felt more accomplished by releasing the struggle and the ego that I’ve held on to for years. ✨🔥🌟

You Deserve Good Things

You deserve good things.

Love, abundance, freedom, all that you desire is flowing to you. You are well taken care of by your loved ones and the universe.

Do you ever feel suspicious or cautious when things are going well? Are you waiting for the other shoe to drop? Do you doubt that good things can happen to you?

"Abundance flows freely to me and I am well taken care of by my loved ones and the Universe.”

I repeated this mantra in some of my most anxious times. But sometimes I didn't fully believe it. I've grown up with a mentality that I have to do all this work and prove myself in order for good things to come my way, and if I let my guard down or rest for even one moment, it could all go to shit. A fear-based mentality. I started to shift my mindset and TRUST that good things and abundance will come no matter what.

Our worth is not dependent on how well we perform.

Our worth is inherent.

Give yourself permission to rest and trust that good things are here, and good things will continue to stay in your life.

Speak positive intention into the world about what you DO want.

Release expectations and attachment.

Even when the tides roll in and stir shit up, remember that everything is Another Freaking Growth Opportunity. 

Waking Up From Winter

I can breathe again.

Daylight saving time began. Spring is on its way. 

This winter was one of the hardest I’ve had in years. Seasonal affective disorder is no joke. The depression feels like a deep ache in the core of my being, a permeating sadness regardless of how good life is. 

I tried to do everything that the articles recommended. Mindfulness, yoga, vitamin D, sun lamp, good diet, exercise, therapy, socialization, gratitude. I didn’t fall back on my usual vices of shopping and sugar to distract or numb. I even went to Costa Rica and had one of the most blissful weeks of my life! But all it took to send me back into depression was a single gust of cold Chicago wind one evening. I tried everything short of taking medication and permanently moving to a sunny locale. All of this effort was just to feel OK. Some days, all I could do after work was get on my mat and cry, exhausted from a day of holding myself together. 
This winter taught me two things:

This depression lives in my body. I am an advocate for mental health but all of those practices were just to feel okay. Next year, I will treat this as a disorder in my body and not just my mind. I will no longer deny the way I feel. I will no longer deny that I NEED sun and warmth every day to feel okay. I do not need to just “grow thicker skin” or toughen up. I will trust the way I feel. It is okay to be having a different experience of winter and lack of sunlight than most people around me. 

I learned that one of the most important things to me is to feel like I BELONG.

The difference between belonging and fitting in: Belonging is being accepted exactly as you are. Fitting in often requires changing who you are or aspects about yourself in order to blend in or be accepted. Fitting in is conditional acceptance. This winter, I was in a workplace that had so much negativity and judgment flying around that I shrunk into myself and disconnected myself from my coworkers in efforts to protect myself. I felt out of place. I refused to attempt to fit in and connect through negativity. Fortunately, I was able to renew my contract with Walgreens and return to a place that feels like home. Where I belong. ❤

Jungle Goddess

My time in Costa Rica on the Jungle Goddess retreat was more amazing than I imagined it could be. I experienced love and connection at a whole new level. It was a week of love, connection, loving words, feeling like I belonged, feeling accepted, feeling safe and held and cared for. I ate food created with love and did not have to think about my meals for the entire week, which allowed me more capacity to focus on healing, connecting, and growing. With all the space that was held for me to feel safe, I was able to courageously explore.

I walked barefoot through the jungle alongside my sisters.

I walked alone through the jungle.

I swam in Caribbean Sea with my sisters.

I swam alone.

I climbed into a cove past sea urchins to see the most magnificent natural archway I have ever laid eyes on.

It took my breath away.

I climbed slippery rocks and trees.

I released everything and ran naked into the ocean. 

I connected with my Self. 

The yoga classes were filled with loving words and affirmations that held me and empowered me. The DANCEmandala classes were beyond what I expected. They were a movement and stillness meditation. I felt it all in my body. They took me through the entire gamut of my emotions. By the end of the week, my mind was quiet enough and I had released all the stress, negativity, and anxiety from my day to day life, that I was able to hear my heart's whisper. I could hear my intuition and my truth. The message of trusting myself, my intuition, and the Universe kept coming to me over and over and over again and I felt it, I heard it, and then one of the healers said it, just to affirm all of it and tie it up with a pretty bow. As I laid my head down at night, what played through my mind was the loving words and images from the day. I could see and hear Camille saying "You are a Goddess."

I connected with my Tribe.

It amazes me how deeply we are able to connect with each other when we let our walls down. The women I spent this week with are my sisters, my mirrors, my soulmates. I held space and simply listened. The same was returned for me. I was able to freely express my love for them. I could say "I love you" after knowing them for less than 24 hours. We blessed each other with the waterfall of Aloha and we received that love for ourselves each time. I belong here.

I connected with Mother Nature.

I hugged trees. I felt mud squish between my toes. For my entire life, I've been called to surfing and I finally got to get on a board for the first time! I felt it all: the waves, the water, the tide. I felt mother ocean pull me and push me. My surf instructor told me again and again to relaaaax (boy, I've never heard that before). I started to find my balance and center on the board. I felt what it was like to be literally on top of a wave, and for it to bring me to shore.

Relaxing is trusting. I stopped the need to get it right, to get it perfect every time. I just trusted and knew that each time I started to paddle and stand up, that it was practice.

And that's all this life is.

Practice.

Conversation with Myself on Another Winter Day

I keep saying that I wish I didn't feel this way.

I wish the weather didn't affect me as much as it does.

Well, honey, it does. So whatcha gonna do about it? You can't change it.

I don't want to minimize it and say

"well, at least it's not as cold as it could be, like on Antarctica or Mars

(like that one winter in Chicago where it actually was colder than Mars)"

or, "at least it's warm even though it’s raining!"

I'm tired of false positivity.

Cloudy days and frigid cold make me downright miserable.

But what am I going to do every time it gets cloudy? Wallow in it?

Maybe. Maybe I'll throw myself a pity party.

Or can I use all of the cloudy days as a reminder to turn inside?

When it is cloudy, I go within.

I turn on my twinkly lights, light a candle, and sip from a big mug of hot tea.

Even in the summertime.

I go within.

I listen.

To my heart, and to the rain.

Remember that we are raindrops on a window pane, finding each other, soon to be connected.

Instead of trying to fight it, I flow with it.

I let the winds carry me. It knows where to take me.

New places I may not have thought of, and old places to revisit.

I return for a reason. Another lesson to be learned.

I hold my truth in my heart.

My heart is my home.

Wherever the wind takes me, I am home.

On the sunny days,

I march ahead,

follow the light,

follow the fire,

follow the sun.

I cannot be lead astray as long as home is in my heart.

Childlike Adult

I spent my childhood trying to be more adult. Now I’m spending my adulthood trying to be more childlike. 

My childhood was planned so that the actions I took had to answer yes to the ultimate goal in mind “will this look good on a college application?” I went to a great college and got a job at a big corporation. Someone’s formula for success. I followed the rules and learned how to be successful. Now what?

Now, I’m discovering what it is to be a child. To look at the world with wonder, awe, and curiosity. To play and do things for the sheer enjoyment of doing it, without a goal in mind. To follow what lights me up, to follow my bliss.

Core Desires

In the first month of 2018, my spirit has been dampened by the gloom of winter in Chicago and the gloom of my work place. I've spent the past month thinking about what is important to me and what do I really need to be happy. At the end of the day, that's what we all want- to be happy. 

In the book Love Warrior by @glennondoyle, she talks about the word crisis. The Greek root of the word crisis is to sift", as in, to shake out the excesses and leave only what's important. I have no crisis in my life (thankfully), and had not in a long time, but it stuck with me. After all the excess is gone, what is truly important to me? They go hand in hand, but I were to condense it to 3 words, they would be Connection, Authenticity, and Health.

Genuine, deep connection with my loved ones.

Speaking my truth.

Being known and being seen.

Belonging, meaning when I can be fully accepted as who I am.

Connection to my body, my emotions, my mental health, my surroundings, my spirit, my truth.

The origin of the word "health" is "whole. Our journey in this life is to become whole again, to remember what it is to be whole and healthy. I went to a talk with @deepakchopra and he outlined the six pillars of physical well being:
1. sleep
2. meditation & stress management
3. movement/yoga/breath
4. emotions
5. nutrition/nourishment
6. biological rhythms/grounding (circadian, seasonal, lunar, and tidal rhythms), meaning connection to nature!

Going forward, these are my core needs and desires that I can always come back to when I’ve lost my way.

Reminders of Gratitude and Joy

The combination of winter blues and being surrounded by negativity has made it challenging to find gratitude and silver linings. As hard as I try to not let it affect me, it seeps in. I was doing almost everything the articles recommended to combat seasonal depression but the past few weeks have dragged on and it took all my might to get through each day. I found myself compiling a list of complaints in my mind of what I would usually perceive as minor inconveniences, but I had built them up in my head as something bigger. I wanted to tell someone and get sympathy for how the world seemed to be stacked up against me. It’s not. At all. I have so much to be grateful for. 

I was in a Yin Yoga training this weekend and our homework was to write down 11 things we are grateful for and 11 things that bring us joy. It helped to shift my perspective. We sat in a circle and shared 3 from each list. I got to hear 108 beautiful and heartwarming reminders of gratitude and joy. Here’s the 11 from my lists. I could easily write 108 for each.

I am grateful for:

• how warm my apartment is
• where I am in my life right now
• the people in my life and how supportive they are
• feeling like i belong here
• my body that is strong, healthy, flexible, and capable
• the privilege and opportunity to live in this city that is so full of life, culture, brilliant minds, inspiring people, and a like-minded community
• the easy access to good food and water
• my education
• the freedom to be myself and choose the life that I want to live
• the privilege I was born into and the inner strength and resilience that have helped me to where I am now
• my teachers

My joys are:

• the twinkly lights in my room that transform it into a magical world
• the sunlight that bathes my beautiful, peaceful, spacious home
• dog paws
• a good cup of tea
• the trees, squirrels, and bunnies in my neighborhood
• the layer of fresh snow that lines the trees
• majestic sunsets and sunrises
• stomach splitting laughter with my friends
• waking up in my own time to morning light, gauzy curtains, and warm, soft kisses
• the safety and contentment I feel in a tight embrace with my partner
• dancing wildly and freely

Hello World. I Am Here.

My surroundings are gray, linear, and structured. To some, this might sound like the ideal dream. Not to me. My spirit is being crushed beneath the confines of the monotony. My spirit desires to float, create, weave, and twirl. Organic and intuitive. I am in a box. A room within a block building in a city built upon a grid. Again, to some, this is exactly what they want. I feel inauthentic. I feel out of place. I am a dreamer, an intuitive, a creative, a healer. I yearn to be in nature, to heal the world through storytelling, plant medicine, and body work. I am here to help people feel good in their bodies and their minds. I am here to teach, guide and inspire through my own experiences. 

No more of this "means to an end" bullshit. What the hell is the "end" anyways? I resolve to stop putting my life on hold until I achieve this thing or that thing. I resolve to stop trying to fit my life into a plan. We all know how plans go. I intend to make my daily life, in all the mundane parts of it, aligned to the way I want to feel and to my core. I intend to Aim True.

Body and Tribe.

2015 was a year of connecting with my body through a yoga practice. The outward form, the expression of yoga postures, came easily to me and after a lifetime of low self-esteem, this helped to build my confidence in myself. I started to see how capable and strong I was. It was the year that I had a profound moment of knowing that yoga was the path I was to walk. It was the year that I began to attract the people in my life that would help me heal and transform. My tribe. 

Mind and Spirit.

2016 was a year of connecting with a spiritual practice and of recognizing and healing emotional trauma. It was a year of recognizing my mental and emotional resilience. It was the year that I started to ask "who am I?" It was the year that the facade and walls crumbled and the image of my true self started to emerge. 

Release and Explore.

2017 was a year of releasing toxic relationships and mentalities that no longer served me. It was the year that the vision of my future exploded and the year that I rebuilt. It was the year that I learned about who I was as a person. It was the year that I learned how to love myself without a partner. It was the year that I explored the country and the world. It was the year that I found freedom.

2018

I have no idea how this year will pan out. I learned and grew more in the past 3 years than I ever imagined possible. None of it was planned. My intention for this year is to use my voice and SHINE. Hello world. I am here. 

Healing My Relationship with Cooking

I could not have made all this beautiful food six months ago.

The person I was six months ago had so many negative associations around cooking that the mere thought of it sent me into a panic. I have so much gratitude for Katie Rust, my health coach, who helped kickstart my healing process around food and cooking starting this past June.

I started learning about food prepping and how to listen to my body. I've been cooking by myself and with my boyfriend Brett for the past few months and I'm actually starting to find this FUN! Seriously, who am I?? Katie inspired me to try Whole30. When I first heard about it a few years ago, I scoffed at it and I believe my exact words were "hell no! fuck that!!"

But now... here I am.

Brett and I are doing Whole30 together, keeping each other inspired and motivated. He’s empowered me in so many ways. I've been learning about my mindset around food and cooking through this process. I actually LOVE the food that I am eating and it feels so good knowing that I made it. I’m glad that I am finally enjoying something so essential to human survival. And the best part is that I am doing more than surviving. I am THRIVING and I'm dancing to music in the kitchen while I cook. 😍💃🏻❤️

Zenevate

I'm making yoga videos!! I’m partnering with a new company called Zenevate that's working on a platform to bring yoga videos to practitioners from their favorite instructors!

I'll be creating all different types of classes: all experience levels, for when you need more energy, and for when you need to wind down, just to name a few. 

If this is something you're interested in, you can sign up to receive updates about when the videos will go live! Let me know what types of classes you're most interested in when signing up!

Sign up here!

Freedom

Freedom.

Authenticity.

Connection.

Awe.

Love.

Secure.

Peace.

Balance.

Joy.

Beauty.

Abundance.

These are some of the feelings that guide me in my life. With these as my true north, I can allow people and opportunities to show up in my life in ways I never expected that are more beautiful and fulfilling than I could have imagined. 

Freedom felt elusive. I spent years feeling stuck.

Last year, I released a toxic relationship that kept me feeling stuck and small and it opened up SO MUCH SPACE. There was so much space... too much space. It was exhilarating and terrifying. It was uncharted territory of joy and grief. I was searching for healing and meditation, yoga, reiki, talk therapy, and incredible friends were all there for me. One of the most important and most healing modalities that supported me during this period was The Freedom Tribe.

And now... this is the most peaceful and content I’ve ever felt in my life. I really feel FREE and like there is fertile ground for me to plant new seeds for even more expansive growth.

What Does Love Mean To You?

For years, I had taken someone else's belief about love as my own truth. "Love is when you care about someone so much that you would sacrifice anything for them." Sounds poetic. But upon further investigation, I realized something deeply disturbing about this belief. It's incredibly exclusive. With this belief, I couldn't love very many people. There were few people that I was willing to sacrifice anything for. It exposed me to manipulation. It became a game and a power trip. He used this definition of love to boast about how much he had sacrificed for me as a way of showing me how much he loved me. If I wasn't sacrificing enough, then I wasn't really proving that I loved him enough. "If you loved me, you would..." I did everything he wanted in order to try and prove my love. In the end, it wasn't enough. It was never enough and it would never be enough. 

How is it possible to love yourself with this belief?

I was so desperate and hungry for love I that took anything that sounded romantic and ran with it. 

I've spent the past few years learning how to love myself, becoming comfortable with telling my best friends that I love them, becoming comfortable with being more free and open with my love. I read the following quote yesterday and it is now one of my many NEW definitions of love. 

Love is gratitude to someone for the grace of their presence on this Earth, without expecting anything in return.
-Camille, This American Girl

I love you. Yes, you. ✨💛

What Makes You Come Alive?

How does inspiration feel? 

It fills me with life and energy. I feel propelled forward, ready to make magic. It lights me up, sparks a fire within me.

“Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
-Howard Thurman

What makes me come alive?

Songs whose sounds surround me and lift me up.

Being able to get into a challenging yoga pose that I’ve been working on- the sense of accomplishment.

Getting into a familiar yoga pose like Warrior 2, and letting the feeling of openness and power course through my body, heart, and mind.

Talking to people that are doing awe-inspiring things in this world.

People who are so passionate and in love with what they do that I can feel the fullness of their hearts. I can see the sparkle in their eyes. It inspires me to do something that incites the same energy.

The warm sun, breath of the tide, and glittering water.

The rustle of a breeze passing through trees.

Silhouettes, patterned and overlapping shadows created by golden light filtering through leaves.

Mountains rising up so high, a landscape that reminds me of the power and history of Mother Earth. 

It’s easy to feel alive and inspired in the summer when the city is electric, but summer’s gone again and I’m feeling the city retreat into itself. The cold forces us inside. The persistent gray clouds press down, heavy with the winds of winter. So I guess this post is really a note to self, a reminder of where to find inspiration, of what lights me up, what makes me come alive. 

This picture was taken on one of the best days. I felt alive, free, and utterly amazed to be surrounded by such beauty.

What makes you come alive? Who or what inspires you?

The Only Constant is Change

Confession: I have not been practicing yoga asana every day.

Not even close.

There’s been no routine in my life for a good 8 months now. Or chaos my new normal? I have been trying to hold on to the 5am wake up time I developed over the years and I’ve failed miserably. I’ve gone through spurts of practice. Meditating twice a day and sleeping twice as much as I usually did for a few months while healing from the most heart wrenching grief I’ve ever experienced. There was a month when I practiced Ashtanga for several hours a day at the studio when I learned my teachers were moving to Boulder. 

Reflecting on the past year, I realized in the past 6 months, I have been out of state 11 times. Three trips to NY for a wedding, a bridal shower, and a family reunion, a wedding in Italy, a bachelorette party in the Bahamas, taught yoga at workshop in Seattle, a funeral in Florida, and 4 trips to Michigan for a yoga retreat, a camping trip, a wedding, and once just for the hell of it. 
I know how fortunate I am to have these opportunities but thinking about all of that is exhausting!

Every time I travel, I get thrown off my routine and it takes me an entire week to readjust. Then a week or two later I go somewhere else and get thrown off again. I keep waiting for life to calm down but it seems that’s like waiting to be happy when ______ (fill in the blank). It doesn’t work that way. So I need to find it within myself. I need to be okay with the idea that sometimes what I need more than anything is rest. Ironically, resting is a challenge for me. I’ve had to learn how to do it. There have been times when I rest only because I’ve run myself so ragged that I am physically ill. 

I have no more travel planned until February so maybe I’ll be able to get back to my 5am wake up time and practice every day. But in the mean time, if my routine gets shaken up, which it inevitably will because that’s life, I’ll recognize that it’s a new phase of life and I’ll be able to more easily go with the flow and learn how to live with the new normal. The only constant is change.

Do You Trust Yourself?

I've been paralyzed by fear of making decisions which resulted in inaction and wishing someone else would make the choice for me.

I didn't trust myself.

I was afraid of making mistakes, of being blamed, of disappointing people. I still am afraid of those things. And I still get paralyzed by that fear.

I'm deciding to look that fear in the face and take action.

I have the power to change my life.

I have the power to create the life I want.

It hasn't been easy. In fact, it's been very very painful, heart wrenching, and scary.

It was all uncharted territory.

I had to look into the deep, dark corners of myself that I spent so long trying to hide and bury out of shame. I had to learn how to trust myself and discern what was my own truth and what were hurtful and abusive projections and criticisms from others. They were not mine.

I shared this with a friend this week but it's a message we could all use or be reminded of. 
Other people can't make your decisions for you. I want you to trust yourself and your decisions. I want you to take responsibility for your choices and your actions. You are strong and capable and powerful and resilient and can do this. Don't let anything from your past tell you otherwise.

Show up and do the work. Go through the darkness and on the other side is bliss and freedom. ✨