Summer Will Be Here Soon

“Breathe,” I say, as a yoga teacher. My body screams back, “I can’t fuckin’ breathe. I can’t bring enough air into my body.” Hello, old friends. Anxiety and Depression. I’m glad I can recognize you much quicker now, nestling into my body.

I managed to hang on to the Sunny California Vibes for 5 days after returning but winter depression has set in again. I have a lot to look forward to in the coming months but until then, every day of winter feels like trying to live life with my head in a bag that’s slowly suffocating me, carrying buckets of bricks on my shoulders, while walking through mud.

I have to wear these constricting vices that most call “pants,” but even these are not enough to block out the cold wind that seeps into my bones and my soul, eroding all that I love about myself, making me believe that I need to be someone else in order to survive and belong. That I need to be someone who loves black jackets, boots, and sweater weather. That I need to join in the collective brag about how we can survive harsh winters.

In my head, it conjures up imaginary scenarios of people being mad at me because of something I said. It makes me want to build walls around myself because interacting with people is just too hard. It makes me think that people are going to leave me because I didn’t live up to their expectations. It makes me think that I’m not a good person and that I’ll never be enough.

No. No to all of it. No to believing that I’m not good enough. No to thinking people are mad at me. No to pretending to be someone I’m not.

The layers upon layers of winter clothing are hiding the real me.

I was born in the tropics. I grew up minutes from the ocean on Long Island. I’ve always thrived in sunshine and color. I crave the heat. I relish in the sweaty, lush green jungle, sand in every crevice. Salt in my hair. Flip flops and bare feet. That feeling of laying in bed after a day in the waves, still feeling the bobbing rhythm of Mother Ocean.
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“Hang in there. Summer will be here soon.” I’m tired of living half my life telling myself that it’ll be better soon.

However winter has taught me about how to care for myself.
Journaling.
Yoga.
Sun lamp.
Yellow glasses.
Vitamin D.
Therapy.
CBD.
Dance.
Music.
Regular digestion.
Healthy food.
Gratitude practice.
Meditation.
Get into nature.

All of this to feel okay. Just okay. Long enough to get through one day to the next.

I’m grateful to have these self-care practices in my toolbox. Someday soon, I will no longer need to practice all of these self-care practices every day for 7 months of the year just to feel okay. Someday soon, I will live somewhere that I can step outside into the warm sun nearly every day. I will reconnect with dear Mother Ocean.

Despite the depression, I’m still grateful to be here in Chicago with my partner, friends, and the amazing work that I get to do.

I know how privileged I am to be able to work remote and travel to sunny places. But I’m also in a position where I no longer need to simply survive. I have the opportunity to thrive. I have a choice and I have a voice. I’ve always had a choice. It’s been only my own limiting beliefs that have kept me from living the sunny life of my dreams.

I choose to live life with ease and joy.
I choose to speak up for my needs.
I choose to be the voice for those who can’t at this time.
I choose to speak up about mental health.
I choose sunlight and nature.

Until then... Hang in there. Summer will be here soon.