People Pleaser

As a recovering people-pleaser (and maybe it's my Libra moon), I want everything to be harmonious all the time.

For years, I prided myself on being a chameleon, being able to adapt to every situation.

But what was actually happening was that I was avoiding confrontation by sacrificing myself, my needs, and wants.

It was a trauma response.

I was afraid someone would get angry with me if I spoke up and what I wanted was different than what they wanted.

So I hid myself and shrank smaller and smaller.

It was better to be unseen. A chameleon.

To me, someone being angry at me meant that I was not safe.

Speaking up = unsafe.

This is a deep rooted belief in our collective. Especially in those of us who have faced oppression and hyper-criticism first hand. Especially in those of us who have ancestral and past lives living in oppression. Especially in intuitive women who may have past lives as healers or witches.

As I've walked this self-love and spiritual journey for the past 5 years, I've shed the layers of trauma and pain that were covering up the real me.

It started with a small group of women.
I whispered my deepest secrets and deepest pain to them that I had been holding onto for a decade.
I was seen. I was held. I was received. I was loved.

I started to speak my truth to more people that I felt safe with.
Each time, I was seen. I was held. I was received. I was loved.

My world was shaken up in 2017 when I realized the place I felt most unsafe was in my home. I couldn't speak up with my partner at the time without being received with hostility and anger.

I had to choose.

The most heart-wrenching choice I had ever made.

I chose myself, my health, my safety.

I continued to choose myself and people who would receive me with love, people with whom I could be myself. 
The darkness started to ebb away, revealing the light that has been in me all along.

May you find safety to speak up. Your voice is needed. Your vision is needed. Your light is needed.