My Daily Meditation Practice

I started a daily mindfulness meditation practice a couple months ago after 5 years of meditating on and off and wow, it has brought so much grounding, spaciousness, and clarity into my mind.

It’s a simple practice with 3 steps:

1. Take a seat.
This means coming into your body and into awareness with being here now. I had been meditating with a stack of blankets and pillows, feeling a bit wobbly, and my meditation teacher @dinaviesalazar suggested that I get a buckwheat meditation cushion. This one from @florensicollection came into my life and I freakin loooove it (Frida loves it too 😻 and we both love how it’s a woman owned business based in Austin TX!)
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2. Bring your attention to your breath.

3. Whenever the mind wanders, note it as thinking, and simply return to the breath.

Sooo I’ve been meditating on and off for 5 years and we hear things like “clear your mind” and get caught up in this loop like “oh sh*t I’m thinking again, bad! Go back to the breath!” and all of that mental looping creates more chaos and make us feel like if we think, we’re doing it wrong. I’ve even had people tell me “I’m bad at meditating, I can’t clear my mind.” Haha welllll that’s part of the practice.

It’s a practice of compassion and observation. Our mind naturally wanders and we’re simply the observer to notice where it goes. And when it does wander we simply notice it, and with kindness, gentleness, and compassion, we go back to the breath. Over time, we can keep our attention on our breath for longer and longer, while remembering that every day is different. It’s like weight training for the mind, building the muscle to stay grounded and centered no matter what’s happening around us.

Some days my mind is an unruly child that does NOT want to sit and notice and those days are challenging, but I also know that by simply showing up, I’m creating a pattern of consistency, reliability, and trust within myself.

💖

Release the Struggle

I’ve watched my yoga practice change over the years.

When I started practicing Ashtanga primary series, which is an intense hour and a half sequence, I was determined on getting my body into all the poses and progressing on to second series. The poses were the goal. I’ve gone through phases of doing this practice every day to not at all. There’s been times that this practice feels like an epic journey akin to slaying dragons.

I’ve noticed this month how I tense up my shoulders and fight through the practice. I was mindful in my practice yesterday about the tension in my shoulders and taking things easy on my knees and not forcing myself as far as I could into a pose that my body wasn’t ready for yet. I allowed myself the full 5 breaths to deepen into each posture. I didn’t get as deeply into the postures as I’ve gone before but I felt more accomplished by releasing the struggle and the ego that I’ve held on to for years. ✨🔥🌟

Jungle Goddess

My time in Costa Rica on the Jungle Goddess retreat was more amazing than I imagined it could be. I experienced love and connection at a whole new level. It was a week of love, connection, loving words, feeling like I belonged, feeling accepted, feeling safe and held and cared for. I ate food created with love and did not have to think about my meals for the entire week, which allowed me more capacity to focus on healing, connecting, and growing. With all the space that was held for me to feel safe, I was able to courageously explore.

I walked barefoot through the jungle alongside my sisters.

I walked alone through the jungle.

I swam in Caribbean Sea with my sisters.

I swam alone.

I climbed into a cove past sea urchins to see the most magnificent natural archway I have ever laid eyes on.

It took my breath away.

I climbed slippery rocks and trees.

I released everything and ran naked into the ocean. 

I connected with my Self. 

The yoga classes were filled with loving words and affirmations that held me and empowered me. The DANCEmandala classes were beyond what I expected. They were a movement and stillness meditation. I felt it all in my body. They took me through the entire gamut of my emotions. By the end of the week, my mind was quiet enough and I had released all the stress, negativity, and anxiety from my day to day life, that I was able to hear my heart's whisper. I could hear my intuition and my truth. The message of trusting myself, my intuition, and the Universe kept coming to me over and over and over again and I felt it, I heard it, and then one of the healers said it, just to affirm all of it and tie it up with a pretty bow. As I laid my head down at night, what played through my mind was the loving words and images from the day. I could see and hear Camille saying "You are a Goddess."

I connected with my Tribe.

It amazes me how deeply we are able to connect with each other when we let our walls down. The women I spent this week with are my sisters, my mirrors, my soulmates. I held space and simply listened. The same was returned for me. I was able to freely express my love for them. I could say "I love you" after knowing them for less than 24 hours. We blessed each other with the waterfall of Aloha and we received that love for ourselves each time. I belong here.

I connected with Mother Nature.

I hugged trees. I felt mud squish between my toes. For my entire life, I've been called to surfing and I finally got to get on a board for the first time! I felt it all: the waves, the water, the tide. I felt mother ocean pull me and push me. My surf instructor told me again and again to relaaaax (boy, I've never heard that before). I started to find my balance and center on the board. I felt what it was like to be literally on top of a wave, and for it to bring me to shore.

Relaxing is trusting. I stopped the need to get it right, to get it perfect every time. I just trusted and knew that each time I started to paddle and stand up, that it was practice.

And that's all this life is.

Practice.

Core Desires

In the first month of 2018, my spirit has been dampened by the gloom of winter in Chicago and the gloom of my work place. I've spent the past month thinking about what is important to me and what do I really need to be happy. At the end of the day, that's what we all want- to be happy. 

In the book Love Warrior by @glennondoyle, she talks about the word crisis. The Greek root of the word crisis is to sift", as in, to shake out the excesses and leave only what's important. I have no crisis in my life (thankfully), and had not in a long time, but it stuck with me. After all the excess is gone, what is truly important to me? They go hand in hand, but I were to condense it to 3 words, they would be Connection, Authenticity, and Health.

Genuine, deep connection with my loved ones.

Speaking my truth.

Being known and being seen.

Belonging, meaning when I can be fully accepted as who I am.

Connection to my body, my emotions, my mental health, my surroundings, my spirit, my truth.

The origin of the word "health" is "whole. Our journey in this life is to become whole again, to remember what it is to be whole and healthy. I went to a talk with @deepakchopra and he outlined the six pillars of physical well being:
1. sleep
2. meditation & stress management
3. movement/yoga/breath
4. emotions
5. nutrition/nourishment
6. biological rhythms/grounding (circadian, seasonal, lunar, and tidal rhythms), meaning connection to nature!

Going forward, these are my core needs and desires that I can always come back to when I’ve lost my way.

Reminders of Gratitude and Joy

The combination of winter blues and being surrounded by negativity has made it challenging to find gratitude and silver linings. As hard as I try to not let it affect me, it seeps in. I was doing almost everything the articles recommended to combat seasonal depression but the past few weeks have dragged on and it took all my might to get through each day. I found myself compiling a list of complaints in my mind of what I would usually perceive as minor inconveniences, but I had built them up in my head as something bigger. I wanted to tell someone and get sympathy for how the world seemed to be stacked up against me. It’s not. At all. I have so much to be grateful for. 

I was in a Yin Yoga training this weekend and our homework was to write down 11 things we are grateful for and 11 things that bring us joy. It helped to shift my perspective. We sat in a circle and shared 3 from each list. I got to hear 108 beautiful and heartwarming reminders of gratitude and joy. Here’s the 11 from my lists. I could easily write 108 for each.

I am grateful for:

• how warm my apartment is
• where I am in my life right now
• the people in my life and how supportive they are
• feeling like i belong here
• my body that is strong, healthy, flexible, and capable
• the privilege and opportunity to live in this city that is so full of life, culture, brilliant minds, inspiring people, and a like-minded community
• the easy access to good food and water
• my education
• the freedom to be myself and choose the life that I want to live
• the privilege I was born into and the inner strength and resilience that have helped me to where I am now
• my teachers

My joys are:

• the twinkly lights in my room that transform it into a magical world
• the sunlight that bathes my beautiful, peaceful, spacious home
• dog paws
• a good cup of tea
• the trees, squirrels, and bunnies in my neighborhood
• the layer of fresh snow that lines the trees
• majestic sunsets and sunrises
• stomach splitting laughter with my friends
• waking up in my own time to morning light, gauzy curtains, and warm, soft kisses
• the safety and contentment I feel in a tight embrace with my partner
• dancing wildly and freely

Hello World. I Am Here.

My surroundings are gray, linear, and structured. To some, this might sound like the ideal dream. Not to me. My spirit is being crushed beneath the confines of the monotony. My spirit desires to float, create, weave, and twirl. Organic and intuitive. I am in a box. A room within a block building in a city built upon a grid. Again, to some, this is exactly what they want. I feel inauthentic. I feel out of place. I am a dreamer, an intuitive, a creative, a healer. I yearn to be in nature, to heal the world through storytelling, plant medicine, and body work. I am here to help people feel good in their bodies and their minds. I am here to teach, guide and inspire through my own experiences. 

No more of this "means to an end" bullshit. What the hell is the "end" anyways? I resolve to stop putting my life on hold until I achieve this thing or that thing. I resolve to stop trying to fit my life into a plan. We all know how plans go. I intend to make my daily life, in all the mundane parts of it, aligned to the way I want to feel and to my core. I intend to Aim True.

Body and Tribe.

2015 was a year of connecting with my body through a yoga practice. The outward form, the expression of yoga postures, came easily to me and after a lifetime of low self-esteem, this helped to build my confidence in myself. I started to see how capable and strong I was. It was the year that I had a profound moment of knowing that yoga was the path I was to walk. It was the year that I began to attract the people in my life that would help me heal and transform. My tribe. 

Mind and Spirit.

2016 was a year of connecting with a spiritual practice and of recognizing and healing emotional trauma. It was a year of recognizing my mental and emotional resilience. It was the year that I started to ask "who am I?" It was the year that the facade and walls crumbled and the image of my true self started to emerge. 

Release and Explore.

2017 was a year of releasing toxic relationships and mentalities that no longer served me. It was the year that the vision of my future exploded and the year that I rebuilt. It was the year that I learned about who I was as a person. It was the year that I learned how to love myself without a partner. It was the year that I explored the country and the world. It was the year that I found freedom.

2018

I have no idea how this year will pan out. I learned and grew more in the past 3 years than I ever imagined possible. None of it was planned. My intention for this year is to use my voice and SHINE. Hello world. I am here. 

Healing My Relationship with Cooking

I could not have made all this beautiful food six months ago.

The person I was six months ago had so many negative associations around cooking that the mere thought of it sent me into a panic. I have so much gratitude for Katie Rust, my health coach, who helped kickstart my healing process around food and cooking starting this past June.

I started learning about food prepping and how to listen to my body. I've been cooking by myself and with my boyfriend Brett for the past few months and I'm actually starting to find this FUN! Seriously, who am I?? Katie inspired me to try Whole30. When I first heard about it a few years ago, I scoffed at it and I believe my exact words were "hell no! fuck that!!"

But now... here I am.

Brett and I are doing Whole30 together, keeping each other inspired and motivated. He’s empowered me in so many ways. I've been learning about my mindset around food and cooking through this process. I actually LOVE the food that I am eating and it feels so good knowing that I made it. I’m glad that I am finally enjoying something so essential to human survival. And the best part is that I am doing more than surviving. I am THRIVING and I'm dancing to music in the kitchen while I cook. 😍💃🏻❤️

Zenevate

I'm making yoga videos!! I’m partnering with a new company called Zenevate that's working on a platform to bring yoga videos to practitioners from their favorite instructors!

I'll be creating all different types of classes: all experience levels, for when you need more energy, and for when you need to wind down, just to name a few. 

If this is something you're interested in, you can sign up to receive updates about when the videos will go live! Let me know what types of classes you're most interested in when signing up!

Sign up here!

The Only Constant is Change

Confession: I have not been practicing yoga asana every day.

Not even close.

There’s been no routine in my life for a good 8 months now. Or chaos my new normal? I have been trying to hold on to the 5am wake up time I developed over the years and I’ve failed miserably. I’ve gone through spurts of practice. Meditating twice a day and sleeping twice as much as I usually did for a few months while healing from the most heart wrenching grief I’ve ever experienced. There was a month when I practiced Ashtanga for several hours a day at the studio when I learned my teachers were moving to Boulder. 

Reflecting on the past year, I realized in the past 6 months, I have been out of state 11 times. Three trips to NY for a wedding, a bridal shower, and a family reunion, a wedding in Italy, a bachelorette party in the Bahamas, taught yoga at workshop in Seattle, a funeral in Florida, and 4 trips to Michigan for a yoga retreat, a camping trip, a wedding, and once just for the hell of it. 
I know how fortunate I am to have these opportunities but thinking about all of that is exhausting!

Every time I travel, I get thrown off my routine and it takes me an entire week to readjust. Then a week or two later I go somewhere else and get thrown off again. I keep waiting for life to calm down but it seems that’s like waiting to be happy when ______ (fill in the blank). It doesn’t work that way. So I need to find it within myself. I need to be okay with the idea that sometimes what I need more than anything is rest. Ironically, resting is a challenge for me. I’ve had to learn how to do it. There have been times when I rest only because I’ve run myself so ragged that I am physically ill. 

I have no more travel planned until February so maybe I’ll be able to get back to my 5am wake up time and practice every day. But in the mean time, if my routine gets shaken up, which it inevitably will because that’s life, I’ll recognize that it’s a new phase of life and I’ll be able to more easily go with the flow and learn how to live with the new normal. The only constant is change.

Four Channels of Nourishment on the Spiritual Path

I am so overwhelmed with gratitude. This is my third year studying with Kino. It was her writing about the spiritual path in her instagram posts combined with the discipline and magic of the Ashtanga yoga practice that woke me up to how I could lead a peaceful life.

My biggest takeaway from the weekend is that there are four channels of nourishment on the narrow road of the yoga, the spiritual path.

1. The student's effort. To receive, to show up and put in the work, to listen.

2. The teacher.

3. The sangha or the community, friends around us that support us, celebrate with us. People to look ahead at that inspire us, people to look back at and to see that there are others following us along this path, friends that help us stay focused on the path.

4. Time. It can't be rushed. I used to say "I've been practicing Ashtanga for a whole year!" And now I say "wow I've only been practicing for less than 3 years." I still feel like a beginner in so many ways.

I'm so grateful for Kino as one of my teachers and so grateful for my sangha.

Now Begins the Study of Yoga

Now begins the study of yoga. 

Atha yoganushasanam. 

Yoga sutra 1.1

I first stumbled across Ashtanga yoga at the gym in 2012, strayed away from it for a few years, then began a dedicated practice two and a half years ago. I went into it as a means of staying in shape. I had no idea that it would be the catalyst of an epic and incredible journey of transformation, healing, and growth that is still and always will be ongoing. I had no idea at the time how unhealthy and unhappy my life was. I was working a job that wasn't paying me my worth. I couldn't see my worth at all. I was in a toxic relationship that I didn't even know was toxic. I didn't feel like I was making any valuable contribution to the world. I had low self-esteem and no confidence. I had years and years of built up anger from trauma that was never acknowledged or addressed. The anger was explosive and destructive. 

The practice along with the writing from several teachers, like Kino, started to plant the seed of a more peaceful life. Within weeks, I experienced an unshakable knowing that I had to follow the yogic path. I had never been so sure of anything else in my life. 

It wasn't the practice alone but the combination of an insatiable thirst for knowledge, various modalities, and many people- teachers, mentors, a therapist, and friends, that have guided me to the place I am now. Every day I make the decision to show up. Put in the work. Get on my mat.

Practice and all is coming. 

How I Handle Exhaustion

Work hard. Play hard. REST hard.

I live my life in extremes. I try to tone it back sometimes but it goes against my nature. I've never used that phrase "work hard play hard" to describe my life but lately I am realizing that is exactly how I live my life. The missing component is the REST. I usually go go go until I get sick. My body forces me to stop. I will travel every other weekend for months, go out dancing til 2am, and do all the things accessible to me as a millennial living in a major metropolis. I will also take many nights in solitude, in silence. Just me and my breath, my heartbeat, my journal, and the slowest yoga I can practice to counteract the fast paced living. This isn't forever (nothing is) but this is my life right now and I'm not going to wait for it to slow down before I rest. I am going to build in, schedule in, the rest time that my body is craving. 

A friend recently asked how I handle the exhaustion. Here was my response:

I'm still figuring it out (which I might always be doing) but I surrender to it. I let go of the need to push harder, whether that's working out more, doing more, reading more. I stop scheduling so many things. I stop making too many plans. I straighten up my room, light a candle, take a shower, and just sit. Just be. My mind wants to be checking facebook or reading psychology articles while I'm sitting (doesn't everyone do that for fun?), but those things aren't truly resting. So I listen to the silence around me. Listen to my favorite music. Be by myself. 

When I'm eating, I see it as idle time and want to be reading, on Facebook or instagram too. Staying distracted. But I take a moment to look at my food, think about all the ingredients in it, where each ingredient came from, who had to plant the seeds, harvest them, transport them on a truck, bring them to the store or restaurant, all for me to have this singular meal. It blows my mind how easily accessible food is for us.

I connect with my physical body through all its senses.

I clean my body and clean my surroundings.

I get out of my head and into my body.

Just be.

Escape Vs. Enrich

Last August, I started a new job and on my first day, I drew a tropical scene on my new whiteboard. A giant palm tree on the beach and a little boat leading to a structure in the distant water with a straw thatched roof. It was a reminder of where I actually wanted to be instead of in a cubicle in Chicago. Little did I know that 8 months later, I would get to see it in person. 

I had just left an unfulfilling job and taken a weeklong staycation in an effort to unwind and relax. I quickly realized that I had no idea how to relax or take it easy. I couldn't stop my heart from racing from anxiety that there wasn't enough money or time, that I should be doing more, being more, that I was not enough. I wasn't able to sit still or be with myself. After an exhausting week of trying to do nothing, there I was, back in an office, hidden from the sunny days I craved so much. New company, new desk, new people. I feared it would be more or less the same as my last job. Thankfully, it isn't.

As I've deepened my meditation practice over the past 6 weeks, life has gotten easier. I've learned how to sail with the highs and lows of life, and put into practice remaining equanimous.

"Is this really happening? Is this real life?" I've found myself saying these words countless times over the past few months and even more during this past weekend in paradise. I was in awe that I was in a picturesque Caribbean scene with white beaches and glittering turquoise water for the first time in my life. Leafy green palm trees that waved in the breeze. Serene blues, greens and whites- just like my bedroom in Chicago. 

Returning from a weekend in paradise, I noticed that I have not been struck by the post-vacation blues. I did not spend the entire weekend filled with anxiety, feeling like I had to soak up as much fun and relaxation as possible and dreading my return to reality like I normally do while on vacation. This vacation wasn't an escape from reality. It was reality. I have finally learned how to live in the moment.

Best Year Yet

I just hit “send” on an an application to be a photographer on Yoga Journal’s Live Be Yoga Tour. What an amazing end to 2016.

This has been the best year of my life yet and it was life-changing. I knew big changes were coming in 2016 but I really could not have imagined the magnitude of these changes in my life. I hoped I would leave the corporate world to teach yoga full time. That did not happen but I did get a new corporate job with AMAZING co-workers, so amazing that I am no longer in a rush to leave. I am not teaching yoga full time yet but I will have 2 weekly classes starting in the January!!

I made resolutions for 2016 to work up to a 6 day a week practice, even if it’s just 10 minutes long some days, and to be more selective about where I expend my energy. I can happily say that I succeeded in both resolutions and will continue to do so day after day, year after year.

2016 was a year of healing. I overcame trauma. I learned how to manage anxiety. I discovered my values and self-worth. I graduated from yoga teacher training. I started a new job. I moved (next door).

One year ago to the day, I met Lelia and she has been an empowering mentor and important part of my life. She helped me find the power within myself to do so many of these amazing things throughout the year. I found the courage to apply for this opportunity, to be detached from the outcome, to know that regardless of whether or not I am offered this opportunity, it does not dictate my worth as a person.

Thank you to everyone that has been a part of this year and my life!!

The Struggle to Love My Body

I’ve noticed lots of self deprecating humor lately from people about their body image. Where does it border on disdain and self hate? The things I’ve read are not things that they would say to someone else. 

I don’t have an epic weight loss story. I’ve stayed within the same 10 pound range for my entire adult life. So who I am I to speak on body image? I’m not here to compare stories, one up anyone or complain about my past. 

I’ve struggled with my body image, confidence and self worth for most of my life. I believed I was ugly and needed to lose weight. I put my self-worth in the way I looked. For a while, I tried to eat only 1200 calories a day, obsessive about the calories to the point that I would only eat packaged food that had a nutrition facts label. But then I binged on the weekend and would be wracked with guilt and feel like a failure. The cycle of punishment through food resumed back on Monday. I would exercise with passionate hate filled thoughts about my body, how I would never be good enough, and all the while being miserable.

When I realized counting calories wasn’t working for me, I stopped counting and ate whatever I wanted within reason. I kept working out with the goal to look a certain way. One day, I was feeling really good and confident in my strength. I compared my body to an older picture. Oh shit… I looked the more or less same. At that moment it clicked. I may never look a certain way but I FELT amazing! What had happened was a mindset shift.

I began exercising to feel good rather than solely look good. To feel good mentally and internally with my digestion. I stopped cutting away food I loved and stopped eating with guilt. I cut down on my portions by noticing when I was full (when I would take a big inhale in the middle of eating). I do exercises that I love and look forward to. I’m always learning more but the most dramatic change was in my mindset. I hope these words inspire you to be kind towards yourself and your body in your health and fitness journey and always.

Learning How to Rest

The theme of my week so far as been rest.

I got up at my normal early time on Monday and spent the entire day sleepy and exhausted. The past two days, I went to bed early and slept in so that I could have more time for recovery.

What this yoga practice has taught me is how to distinguish when I'm being lazy and unmotivated (which isn't always a bad thing, but that's a different topic for a different day) and when I'm in need of rest and recovery.

It's a preventative measure so that I don't push myself too far and get sick. I've often avoided this resting period because I've viewed it as a form of failing, of slipping off the wagon of the strict and disciplined routine I've designed and imposed on myself. Having an all or nothing type of personality combined with being a perfectionist, I often gave up if I "messed up" even a little.

I'm getting comfortable with the idea that it doesn't have to be that way. By reflecting on my day, my week, my month and my year more often, I realize how much I have accomplished and how equally important it is to have this time of rest and play. 

What Yoga Taught Me About Self-Love

What is self-love?

First, how do we show others that we love them? Accept them exactly as they are, listen, protect, show affection, and so much more. Self-love is applying this same level of love to ourselves. My journey towards deeper self-love has taken years of making tiny changes, lots of mistakes, and many shifts in mindset shifts. When I made yoga a part of my daily life two years ago, it cultivated my loving body awareness.

I accept myself.

You are enough, I am enough. There will always be a more challenging pose to master. My practice began with trying to attain the next pose in the Ashtanga Yoga sequence and putting it into my “Bank of Poses.” Being able to do a perfect handstand doesn't make someone a better person. Although working towards a goal and improving are wonderful things, it can stir a great amount of discontent when our minds are only goal oriented, forward looking. I'll be happy when... I can do a handstand. I'll be happy when... I get that raise. I'll be happy when… There is an implication that you are not good enough and you need to be better. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. You are enough, I am enough. Right now, at this very moment. Acceptance and improvement are not mutually exclusive. We can love and accept ourselves and improve. I learned to accept by cultivating gratitude. I have big strong legs to hold me in Warrior I. My strong core protects my organs and my willpower. I have a soft heart that is capable of giving and receiving love. I have arms that help lift others up! By acknowledging the gifts in my life and my body, I am able to create space to invite bountiful positivity and growth.

I listen to my body.

How do we listen to our bodies? They change from day to day. A pose that I could do yesterday may not happen today, but might happen tomorrow! Some days I can do a split, other days, no way! By cultivating awareness in my body through my yoga practice, I became more attune to the subtle changes that food would have on my digestion and my state mind. Some days, I just want some soup and salad. Other days, I need a big juicy burger with a side of mashed potatoes and I enjoy every bite of it without guilt. Our bodies are affected by the changing of the seasons, and I adjust my food and my exercise to accommodate. Beyond my body, I learned how to listen by distinguishing what aligned with my authentic self and let go of what didn't without guilt. I act with intention and purpose. MY purpose. Not my mom's, best friend's or boyfriend's. My own. I act with my values of peace, joy, love, abundance and authenticity. When it doesn't align, I am able to say "no" with ease. Loving ourselves is being true to ourselves, and this begins with listening.

I protect my body and show it affection.

For 2 years, I set the intention to wake up early for yoga every day. Some days it happened, some it didn't. It was inconsistent. I had an expectation for how the practice should look: 1.5 hours of sweaty Ashtanga yoga. That's extremely challenging for me to do every single day, work a full time job and have a social life. Eventually, I let go of the expectations and decided that some movement was better than no movement. I created a flexible morning routine that means waking up at the same time and doing yoga but the style and length of time that I practice fluctuates with how I'm feeling that day. Slowly and over time, I added meditation to this morning routine by shortening my practice just 5 or 10 minutes. My flexible morning routine protects my body, and shows it affection. 

Thank you, yoga.

Yoga has helped me find acceptance, listen and protect my body, and show myself loving affection. By cultivating body awareness, I was able to translate the metaphors that were occurring in my physical practice to bring them off the mat and into my life. Yoga inspires me every day. If you are searching for a more loving connection with your body, try stepping onto the yoga mat and find a style that works for your lifestyle, body and mind. Love shows up in different forms for everyone. Other ways of showing ourselves love could be lifting weights, reading a book, taking a walk around the block, going fishing, taking a bath, or taking pleasure in the food that we eat and not feeling guilty about it. All with purpose and intention.

Peaceful Warrior

Is peace something that we have to search for, something we have to work at to attain? Or is it something we are in our truest nature when you peel back the layers, at our very core, sitting alongside love and joy?

Maybe it's both. Searching and looking within, working at chipping away at all the ways life has hardened us to find our peaceful nature. 

I'm probably known as the happy go lucky yoga girl with bubblegum pink hair that loves puppies more than anything, but just like UniKitty from the Lego Movie, I have my shadow side and it reveals itself as explosive rage. The rage that comes from a deep place of pain, sadness, and unworthiness.

One of my favorite lines from @kinoyoga's primary series video is

"Dedicate yourself to making this world a more peaceful place, one breath at a time."

This line hits me so hard every time because I truly want to do good in this world. In order to bring about any positivity in the world, I have to start with myself, find peace within myself first. Then hopefully, maybe I can start to inspire those around me to find peace and do good. I keep the understanding that the people on this same path will appear in my life and those who are not will distance themselves.

That is okay. 

Joyful Awakening

Sukhava Bodhe means Joyful Awakening.

This colorful, loving, supportive and accepting community is exactly what I needed for my lately heavy heart to feel lighter.

During the first full day at the festival, we did yoga, danced, took a yoga class that turned into a dance party, sang. We attended a fire ceremony for acknowledging and releasing aspects of our shadow side (fear, anger, shame, ego, grief) to make space for more light (love, joy, peace, courage, truth), walked through a candlelit labyrinth with intention, ate food made with love, and met amazing people. I was overcome with gratitude for this community. I have never been surrounded by so many people where I truly felt like I could be myself without fear of judgement.

I took in the beauty of sky, water and trees around me. My teacher's beautiful voice and skillful notes on the harmonioum carried a devotional mantra right into my heart. I did not feel like I had to close my eyes in order to escape to another world or retreat into myself. Everything around me was perfect, every person around me was and is perfectly imperfect and I am perfectly imperfect. We set aside everything to be there in that moment to share our love, joy and acceptance with each other. I am safe. I am enough. I am free. I am loving. I am loved. 

The first day's experiences of feeling safe and accepted allowed for the second day to unfold into new experiences and learning to trust. Catherine and I had the honor of assisting Amy during her Ashtanga class. Every time I teach or assist, it's a lesson and practice for me as well. Stepping into confidence in myself and my abilities. Fuck yeah, I can do this! Accepting that others put their trust in me, holding that trust with so much care to keep them safe. I rested, ate more food made with love, and met more people in a ceremony of sharing and community. More new experiences in trust with Heather in ceremony, with Tatiana in acro yoga therapy, in myself, the pond and the board for being able to do yoga on a stand up paddle board! We danced some more, sang some more, yoga'd some more and threw color at each other in the Holi Color Fest, creating a brilliant explosion of youthful joy!

Don't Dig Up in Doubt What You Planted in Faith

One year ago to the day, I had a crazy thought that thrilled me and scared me. I wrote it down so I would not forget:

"I want to become a yoga instructor. I want to open my own studio. I want to be able to someday do what i love all day to be able to support us."

Months later, actions were taken to put this seemingly far-fetched dream into motion. I did all the research and put in the time, energy and effort and I am now about about 6 weeks away from graduating from my 200 hour yoga teacher training.

It astounds me how much I have grown over the past year and I'm intrigued at what the future might bring. I know there is still much more work to be done to make this dream a reality. As with any journey, there are highs and lows. I'm putting into practice how to experience everything that comes up, both the good and the bad, rather than suppressing the bad. There are still some difficult emotions that I'm not ready to deal with yet but maybe someday. Despite all of that, I love every step of this journey that is setting my heart free. I've never been so sure of anything else in my life and it makes me feel ALIVE.

"Don't dig up in doubt what you planted in faith."