She asked, “do you ever doubt yourself? Or compare yourself?”
And I bust out laughing.
The answer?
Every. Fuckin. Day.
I quit my 9-5 corporate job in October to pursue running my coaching and yoga business full-time while also moving to a new city (all or nothin’ babe).
It has been such a hard journey that’s dug up alllllllllll of my unhealed shadows to be faced. Even things I thought I moved past came up for healing on a deeper level.
The thought, “maybe I should go back into corporate design…” has crossed my mind nearly every single day.
I get caught in the endless scrolling on social media, seeing what the other coaches from my training program are up to and I compare compare compare, feeling shittier with every swipe.
Comparison shows where I am still insecure. It used to be around my body. I would scrutinize how I looked in photos compared to my friends, compared to past versions of myself, never satisfied.
Now it’s around business since I’m not yet where I want to be and wondering every day what I’m doing wrong, forgetting to see what I’m doing right.
I’ve embraced that fear, self-doubt, and comparison are part of the process. Maybe comparison goes away, but fear and self-doubt doesn’t. In honest conversations with people I admire who are doing the things I want to be doing, I’ve learned that fear and doubt still affect them. It shows up every time we edge our comfort zone.
This is where discernment comes into play. Is the doubt and fear showing up because I’m on the wrong path or because I’m doing something new and uncomfortable?
It’s usually the latter.
The knowing that I’m on the RIGHT path is an expansive and grounded sensation in my body.
The fear and doubt of stepping out of my comfort zone show up in my head as racing thoughts and anxiety. It’s heady and airy and spins me dizzy.
I thank the fear for trying to keep me safe within what’s known and familiar. I take a deep breath and remember that I’m capable, that I’ve done hard things before, and that I can trust myself now.
I am safe. I am okay. I can handle anything that comes my way.
Thanks @dariaxtaylor for asking the best questions and taking THE BEST photos of me.
Viewing entries in
Personal Stories
I've been running from the feeling of not-good-enough for my entire life.
My surf buddy pointed out that I bail off my board instead of taking on big waves. I'm afraid of getting dumped teeth first into the sand and getting stuck under. It's a valid fear. But it actually goes so much deeper.
The pattern from childhood was that unless I got 100%, it was met with disapproval.
It's the typical asian parent and/or immigrant parent response.
Even when I was placed in the top 10% of my graduating class, it *still* wasn't good enough because I came in at #39, the last person in the top 10%.
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Instead of getting to celebrate this major accomplishment, I was met with disapproval and comparison to how my friends were doing.
This happened with every grade that came back that wasn't 100%.
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I got tired of trying so fucking hard to be met with disapproval.
It feels safer to not put in my best effort so that if I fall short, at least I could tell myself that I didn't give it my all.
This pattern shows up in nearly everything. Surfing is a small example.
I've noticed it on a much larger scale that's taken a decade to notice.
Professionally, I've been a painter, designer, photographer, yoga teacher, women's circle leader, and life coach.
Each time I cross over the threshold from complete beginner into "I've got a good grasp on what I"m doing now," that fear kicks in and I start comparing, and feeling less-than.
And then I run away.
I push it away.
I find something new.
Anything to not feel that gut-wrenching, shrinking, not-good-enough feeling.
But now that I've noticed this pattern, I'm choosing a different way.
I'm giving myself the acknowledgement that I didn't receive.
Even though this high school top 10% thing was over a decade ago, I'm celebrating for little Mona.
I took myself to the beach (my happy place), and wrote and spoke all the words that I needed to hear.
GREAT JOB!
You're doing awesome!
Keep going.
You are loved.
No matter what you accomplish, you are loved.
You are loved you are loved you are loved.
I'm celebrating every tiny accomplishment to re-wire my brain to understand that it's okay and it's safe to just try things. It's okay and it's safe to not be #1.
It's okay and it's safe.
You are loved.
Regardless of what's happened to us in the past, we have the responsibility and opportunity to change our course for the future.
Perfectionism is not the cause. It's the symptom.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Hi, my name is Mona and I'm a perfectionist.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Recovering. I'm a recovering perfectionist.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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This is a description that I've been using as the reason of why I do certain things or why I am the way I am. It's also a crutch and an excuse.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Perfectionism shows up when I share publicly with the world. You probably wouldn't be able to guess it, but it's actually super hard for me to write and post on social media. The perfectionism monster rears its head every time and I have to talk myself through it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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While being coached by @audramcclelland, she asked me what shows up along with perfectionism. I stated beliefs that I consciously know are false, but my mind still defaults to. There's this belief that this is the *only* chance that I have to share my messages. Scarcity and all-or-nothing. There's the belief that I'll be too much for people. Fear of taking up space and fear of rejection.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Rejection. That was the golden ticket. Perfectionism is not the cause. For me, it's actually the symptom of a fear of rejection. It always comes back to these core wounds.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I feel the need to get things perfect because historically in my life, I've been rejected for not being perfect. I've been rejected for taking up space, for being too wild. Culturally, Chinese women have been rejected for simply being female.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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The journey continues to learn to accept all parts of myself.
I used to believe “money is the root of all evil” and that people who had money had to sell their souls to get money.
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I was longing for a life where I could travel, which requires money and/or time. But with my beliefs around money, I was pushing it away from me, thinking that if I had money, that would mean I had to do bad things in order to attain it. It was conflicting.
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Money is energy. It doesn’t make someone a good or bad person if they have it. We get to choose how we use it.
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How do you want to use money?
FEAR AND COURAGE
Courage: doing the scary thing despite the fear.
I'm scared of something every single day. It ranges from a phobia, to the moldy fruit at the bottom of the refrigerator drawer, to not having enough money. Fortunately, I don't have to be scared of being eaten by a lion like our ancestors, or not having food, shelter, or water. But I fear that I might not be successful in my own business someday, and it awakens the dear old friends of Perfectionism and Inner Critic.
Perfectionism nudges me, "If you're going to put something out there, it has to be the perfect time, the perfect place, the perfect words. I mean, if it's not going to be absolutely perfect and efficient, then you're just wasting your time. What's the point otherwise? Everyone will see you're a fraud." Perfectionism is also best friends with Imposter Syndrome. It stops me in my tracks as I scramble to make everything just so.
Then Inner Critic jumps at the chance, taking the baton and running with it. It plants seeds of doubt and unworthiness. It whispers "Who are you to be doing this? There's no way you'll be able to make enough money. Someone else is already doing what you want to do. What's the point? You need to be more realistic." I notice that my body starts to shrink- my shoulders hunch forward, everything seems so much bigger than me, and I withdraw into myself.
The Fear, Perfectionism, and Inner Critic- they may always be there but I don't have to listen to them. They're the friend or family member that's always giving us terrible, unsolicited advice to keep us small, to dim our light. Just because they don't see the possibilities and potential, doesn't mean we have to blindfold ourselves too.
Right now, I do feel small. I'm standing at the bottom of a giant mountain and I can't see the peak. I have no idea what lies ahead. There could be dragons to slay, mudslides, and dead ends.
But I've walked up other mountains in the past. Yes, there were hard times. Sometimes, I had a guide that lit the way ahead, sometimes I walked with a friend beside me, sometimes I walked alone, and sometimes I had no map or compass. But I made it through each time. And that feeling of standing at a peak with the open sky above- accomplished, free, expansive, on top of the world. I know it's there and I know it's possible.
I'm telling those unhelpful friends of Fear, Perfectionism, and Inner Critic, "thanks but no thanks." I'm leaning into the fear. I'm filling my body up with that expansive energy. Shoulders back and head high, one foot in front of the other. I'm re-aligning myself with that expansive energy every time the Inner Critic wants to push me down.
I'm looking fear in the face, "Yeah, you scare me a whole lot. But I'm gonna do it anyways and it's going to be okay. It's going to be more than okay. It's going to be beautiful, and magical, and so much fun."
“Breathe,” I say, as a yoga teacher. My body screams back, “I can’t fuckin’ breathe. I can’t bring enough air into my body.” Hello, old friends. Anxiety and Depression. I’m glad I can recognize you much quicker now, nestling into my body.
I managed to hang on to the Sunny California Vibes for 5 days after returning but winter depression has set in again. I have a lot to look forward to in the coming months but until then, every day of winter feels like trying to live life with my head in a bag that’s slowly suffocating me, carrying buckets of bricks on my shoulders, while walking through mud.
I have to wear these constricting vices that most call “pants,” but even these are not enough to block out the cold wind that seeps into my bones and my soul, eroding all that I love about myself, making me believe that I need to be someone else in order to survive and belong. That I need to be someone who loves black jackets, boots, and sweater weather. That I need to join in the collective brag about how we can survive harsh winters.
In my head, it conjures up imaginary scenarios of people being mad at me because of something I said. It makes me want to build walls around myself because interacting with people is just too hard. It makes me think that people are going to leave me because I didn’t live up to their expectations. It makes me think that I’m not a good person and that I’ll never be enough.
No. No to all of it. No to believing that I’m not good enough. No to thinking people are mad at me. No to pretending to be someone I’m not.
The layers upon layers of winter clothing are hiding the real me.
I was born in the tropics. I grew up minutes from the ocean on Long Island. I’ve always thrived in sunshine and color. I crave the heat. I relish in the sweaty, lush green jungle, sand in every crevice. Salt in my hair. Flip flops and bare feet. That feeling of laying in bed after a day in the waves, still feeling the bobbing rhythm of Mother Ocean.
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“Hang in there. Summer will be here soon.” I’m tired of living half my life telling myself that it’ll be better soon.
However winter has taught me about how to care for myself.
Journaling.
Yoga.
Sun lamp.
Yellow glasses.
Vitamin D.
Therapy.
CBD.
Dance.
Music.
Regular digestion.
Healthy food.
Gratitude practice.
Meditation.
Get into nature.
All of this to feel okay. Just okay. Long enough to get through one day to the next.
I’m grateful to have these self-care practices in my toolbox. Someday soon, I will no longer need to practice all of these self-care practices every day for 7 months of the year just to feel okay. Someday soon, I will live somewhere that I can step outside into the warm sun nearly every day. I will reconnect with dear Mother Ocean.
Despite the depression, I’m still grateful to be here in Chicago with my partner, friends, and the amazing work that I get to do.
I know how privileged I am to be able to work remote and travel to sunny places. But I’m also in a position where I no longer need to simply survive. I have the opportunity to thrive. I have a choice and I have a voice. I’ve always had a choice. It’s been only my own limiting beliefs that have kept me from living the sunny life of my dreams.
I choose to live life with ease and joy.
I choose to speak up for my needs.
I choose to be the voice for those who can’t at this time.
I choose to speak up about mental health.
I choose sunlight and nature.
Until then... Hang in there. Summer will be here soon.
Dear 18-year-old Mona,
You are beautiful. You are so beautiful, inside and out. I know you don’t believe it, I know you don’t believe when anyone tells you that. I know you’ve struggled so much with your body and that you’ll continue to do so. I know that you think you’re fat and ugly. I know it will be more years before you begin to see your radiance. You are beautiful.
I know you’re in a relationship where you are constantly let down, and I know you’re going to cling on to it for another 8 years. I know you think it’s the best you’ll ever have and that you don’t deserve better. I know it’s going to break you. It’s going to bring out the absolute worst in you. You’re going to hurl hateful, spiteful words with the intention to hurt and cut deep. You’re going to be called a crazy bitch on a nearly daily basis. You believe it. You believe that “relationships are hard.” You believe that this abuse is just a part of the “hard times.” You don’t even realize it’s abuse. You believe that throwing things, slamming doors, punching walls, yelling, and insulting each other are just “normal” fights that every couple has. IT IS NOT. IT IS NOT OKAY. I would say I’m sorry, but I’m not. I know this is what it takes for you to grow, for you to see how bad it can be. It will be the contrast to what’s possible. You are a fucking warrior. You’ve already been through so much and you’re going to continue to go through more of the hardest years of your life. I am amazed at your capacity to love, even the people who have hurt you.
Keep following your heart. It’s going to lead you to yoga and all the right people who will help change your life. You’re going to find a friend who is going to shower you with fierce, loving kindness. She’s going to show you what it’s like to be loved unconditionally, without criticism or abuse. She’s going to show you how to love yourself. When you love yourself, it will only expand your ability to love everyone around you. It will show you how you want to be treated.
Even though you’re a dreamer and an optimist, you have no idea of the greatness that is even possible and how much you have grown and changed. Keep on loving.
Love always,
Mona, 28
.:. TAKING UP S P A C E .:.
I was at one of those order then sit restaurants. It was busy with lots of people standing around, waiting for take out orders, but only about a third of the tables were taken. I was there by myself and wanted a booth but the only one available was a 4-top. In fact, most of the tables were 4-tops.
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My mind immediately went to how I shouldn’t take a big table in case other people wanted to sit. I found a little 2 person high top that was in between other people and then I stopped.
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Wait a second. There are so many empty tables. Why can’t I just take the one that I want? Why do I feel the need to cram myself in between a bunch of other people and use this little table? I turned around and took the 4-top with the booth seating.
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How often of you try to make yourself as small as possible?
How often do you accept second best?
How often do you think that you are not worthy of nice things or what you really want?
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You are worthy of the 4-top booth. You are worthy of taking up space. You are worthy of being seen and heard. ✨
Last weekend, I flew to Dallas and someone took my carry-on suitcase!! Our plane was late and there were a lot of passengers that had a tight connection so there was a mad dash off the plane. I grabbed a suitcase from the overhead bin and as I was walking down the jetway, it slowly dawned on me that it wasn't my suitcase. It looked nearly identical. Of course, neither one of us had put a luggage tag on our suitcases. Who would have thought that my carry-on bag would be taken!
It was a two-hour adventure of a wild goose chase around the airport to try and track down the person who had my suitcase before finally admitting defeat. I left their bag with Baggage Claim and left the airport empty-handed.
I was so hungry after not eating all morning so I set aside my original plan went to a Whole Foods near the hotel. When I got up to the cashier, I realized that she was one of my former yoga students!! I called the airline to file a claim for my bag and the woman on the phone was shocked and said "wow, you've just taught me so many life lessons of always putting a name tag on my suitcase!!" My friends were arriving soon and fortunately I could borrow clothing from them for the weekend and I could get any toiletries I needed. A few hours later, I got a call saying that they had found my suitcase!!!!!!!!!
Through all of this, it was my attitude that kept me from freaking. the. fuck. out. It helped me see that I could rely on the kindness of others and that my friends have my back. If this had happened a few years ago, it would have been a tantrum and tear-filled terrible day that could have ruined my trip. I would have been angry at everyone, scared, and hopeless.
But I knew through it all, that I would eventually get my stuff back and I released any expectations around timing. I knew that I could get through the weekend regardless of whether or not I had my bags. I know that if none of this had happened, I wouldn't have ended up at that Whole Foods to see my former student.
And there's so much delight in imagining the face of the person who opened up my suitcase to find 4 tarot and oracle decks and thinking "oh shit, I just fucked with the wrong witch."