Go Live Your Life

I don’t know about you, but I could always use these friendly reminders: what we see from other people’s social media pages are a highlight reel of their best or grandest moments, and comparison is the thief of joy. So take a L O N G deep breath, stop scrolling, and go live your life. And if you’re like me and still scrolling because anxiety or boredom, take five minutes and sit quietly and observe the thoughts that come up. 

My life does not look like this every day. I am still in Chicago working a 9-5 job in corporate. Thankfully it gives me the time and space to teach yoga, write, and dream up new ways of creating beautiful experiences for you through classes, moon circles, online videos, and so much more to come! 😉💖🌺🧚🏽‍♀️

How Do You Want to FEEL?

How do you want to feel?

What will you do to feel the way you want to feel?

I ask myself these questions almost every day as a way of checking in with myself. Three answers always come up- Peace, Joy, and Love. Yeah, it's all rainbows and butterflies, but it's so much more. 

Peace

For me, peace means living with ease, being well rested, quiet, zen, safety, security, care-free, freedom to be myself. It's a quiet feeling, where I can fully relax, breathe, and know that all is well. 

Joy

For me, joy means feeling alive, looking at the world with awe, feeling inspired, excited, happy, motivated, freedom to explore, learn, and grow. It's expansive, big, like I can do anything, running through the fields with arms wide open kind of feeling. 

Love

For me, love feels like belonging, being fully accepted, being seen and heard, gratitude, giving, serving, connection. 

Connection

I keep coming back to connection. What does connection mean to me?

It means being first and foremost connected with myself- in body, mind and spirit. I do this through self-care practices of yoga, meditation, journaling, oracle cards, dance, food, therapy, learning, sleep, being in nature, in solitude.

When I have fulfilled my basic needs and am feeling centered and clear, I can move outside of my own body into my physical surroundings and connect with others- my relationships, my home, my work space, and more nature.

When I feel connected to the people in my life and my surroundings, I can give even more and I ask what can I offer the world? What am I naturally talented at? What do I love doing? How can I combine those and serve my community?

It starts within and moves outwards, expanding infinitely with love. 💖🦋✨🌈☀️🌴🌱💚

Release the Struggle

I’ve watched my yoga practice change over the years.

When I started practicing Ashtanga primary series, which is an intense hour and a half sequence, I was determined on getting my body into all the poses and progressing on to second series. The poses were the goal. I’ve gone through phases of doing this practice every day to not at all. There’s been times that this practice feels like an epic journey akin to slaying dragons.

I’ve noticed this month how I tense up my shoulders and fight through the practice. I was mindful in my practice yesterday about the tension in my shoulders and taking things easy on my knees and not forcing myself as far as I could into a pose that my body wasn’t ready for yet. I allowed myself the full 5 breaths to deepen into each posture. I didn’t get as deeply into the postures as I’ve gone before but I felt more accomplished by releasing the struggle and the ego that I’ve held on to for years. ✨🔥🌟

Reminders of Gratitude and Joy

The combination of winter blues and being surrounded by negativity has made it challenging to find gratitude and silver linings. As hard as I try to not let it affect me, it seeps in. I was doing almost everything the articles recommended to combat seasonal depression but the past few weeks have dragged on and it took all my might to get through each day. I found myself compiling a list of complaints in my mind of what I would usually perceive as minor inconveniences, but I had built them up in my head as something bigger. I wanted to tell someone and get sympathy for how the world seemed to be stacked up against me. It’s not. At all. I have so much to be grateful for. 

I was in a Yin Yoga training this weekend and our homework was to write down 11 things we are grateful for and 11 things that bring us joy. It helped to shift my perspective. We sat in a circle and shared 3 from each list. I got to hear 108 beautiful and heartwarming reminders of gratitude and joy. Here’s the 11 from my lists. I could easily write 108 for each.

I am grateful for:

• how warm my apartment is
• where I am in my life right now
• the people in my life and how supportive they are
• feeling like i belong here
• my body that is strong, healthy, flexible, and capable
• the privilege and opportunity to live in this city that is so full of life, culture, brilliant minds, inspiring people, and a like-minded community
• the easy access to good food and water
• my education
• the freedom to be myself and choose the life that I want to live
• the privilege I was born into and the inner strength and resilience that have helped me to where I am now
• my teachers

My joys are:

• the twinkly lights in my room that transform it into a magical world
• the sunlight that bathes my beautiful, peaceful, spacious home
• dog paws
• a good cup of tea
• the trees, squirrels, and bunnies in my neighborhood
• the layer of fresh snow that lines the trees
• majestic sunsets and sunrises
• stomach splitting laughter with my friends
• waking up in my own time to morning light, gauzy curtains, and warm, soft kisses
• the safety and contentment I feel in a tight embrace with my partner
• dancing wildly and freely

Zenevate

I'm making yoga videos!! I’m partnering with a new company called Zenevate that's working on a platform to bring yoga videos to practitioners from their favorite instructors!

I'll be creating all different types of classes: all experience levels, for when you need more energy, and for when you need to wind down, just to name a few. 

If this is something you're interested in, you can sign up to receive updates about when the videos will go live! Let me know what types of classes you're most interested in when signing up!

Sign up here!

The Only Constant is Change

Confession: I have not been practicing yoga asana every day.

Not even close.

There’s been no routine in my life for a good 8 months now. Or chaos my new normal? I have been trying to hold on to the 5am wake up time I developed over the years and I’ve failed miserably. I’ve gone through spurts of practice. Meditating twice a day and sleeping twice as much as I usually did for a few months while healing from the most heart wrenching grief I’ve ever experienced. There was a month when I practiced Ashtanga for several hours a day at the studio when I learned my teachers were moving to Boulder. 

Reflecting on the past year, I realized in the past 6 months, I have been out of state 11 times. Three trips to NY for a wedding, a bridal shower, and a family reunion, a wedding in Italy, a bachelorette party in the Bahamas, taught yoga at workshop in Seattle, a funeral in Florida, and 4 trips to Michigan for a yoga retreat, a camping trip, a wedding, and once just for the hell of it. 
I know how fortunate I am to have these opportunities but thinking about all of that is exhausting!

Every time I travel, I get thrown off my routine and it takes me an entire week to readjust. Then a week or two later I go somewhere else and get thrown off again. I keep waiting for life to calm down but it seems that’s like waiting to be happy when ______ (fill in the blank). It doesn’t work that way. So I need to find it within myself. I need to be okay with the idea that sometimes what I need more than anything is rest. Ironically, resting is a challenge for me. I’ve had to learn how to do it. There have been times when I rest only because I’ve run myself so ragged that I am physically ill. 

I have no more travel planned until February so maybe I’ll be able to get back to my 5am wake up time and practice every day. But in the mean time, if my routine gets shaken up, which it inevitably will because that’s life, I’ll recognize that it’s a new phase of life and I’ll be able to more easily go with the flow and learn how to live with the new normal. The only constant is change.

Four Channels of Nourishment on the Spiritual Path

I am so overwhelmed with gratitude. This is my third year studying with Kino. It was her writing about the spiritual path in her instagram posts combined with the discipline and magic of the Ashtanga yoga practice that woke me up to how I could lead a peaceful life.

My biggest takeaway from the weekend is that there are four channels of nourishment on the narrow road of the yoga, the spiritual path.

1. The student's effort. To receive, to show up and put in the work, to listen.

2. The teacher.

3. The sangha or the community, friends around us that support us, celebrate with us. People to look ahead at that inspire us, people to look back at and to see that there are others following us along this path, friends that help us stay focused on the path.

4. Time. It can't be rushed. I used to say "I've been practicing Ashtanga for a whole year!" And now I say "wow I've only been practicing for less than 3 years." I still feel like a beginner in so many ways.

I'm so grateful for Kino as one of my teachers and so grateful for my sangha.

Now Begins the Study of Yoga

Now begins the study of yoga. 

Atha yoganushasanam. 

Yoga sutra 1.1

I first stumbled across Ashtanga yoga at the gym in 2012, strayed away from it for a few years, then began a dedicated practice two and a half years ago. I went into it as a means of staying in shape. I had no idea that it would be the catalyst of an epic and incredible journey of transformation, healing, and growth that is still and always will be ongoing. I had no idea at the time how unhealthy and unhappy my life was. I was working a job that wasn't paying me my worth. I couldn't see my worth at all. I was in a toxic relationship that I didn't even know was toxic. I didn't feel like I was making any valuable contribution to the world. I had low self-esteem and no confidence. I had years and years of built up anger from trauma that was never acknowledged or addressed. The anger was explosive and destructive. 

The practice along with the writing from several teachers, like Kino, started to plant the seed of a more peaceful life. Within weeks, I experienced an unshakable knowing that I had to follow the yogic path. I had never been so sure of anything else in my life. 

It wasn't the practice alone but the combination of an insatiable thirst for knowledge, various modalities, and many people- teachers, mentors, a therapist, and friends, that have guided me to the place I am now. Every day I make the decision to show up. Put in the work. Get on my mat.

Practice and all is coming. 

Not Enough

The story. The script. The line. The lie.

The one that whispers so sweetly that I've always let it in. The one that waits just at the edge of my mind, jumping in at every chance. Clawing its way over me, bearing down, until I shrink and retreat. The one that's disguised itself so flawlessly that it's taken years to finally recognize and unmask. The one that says "you are not enough."

I have let this line, this lie, operate my life. “You are not enough.” Not tall enough. Not thin enough. Not smart enough. Not making enough. Not sacrificing enough. Not doing enough. Not being enough. Not good enough. Not enough.

There are two sides to this story.

One side is how it’s held me back. How I spent years battling with my body image, feeling like there was something wrong with me because from early memories, I was told I was too short, too dark skinned, and too skinny, then suddenly too heavy, and all sorts of other “flaws” that I had no control over. How I didn't see my talent and value in my work. How I’ve felt unlovable, like no one would love me if they knew the real me, if they knew the shameful parts of my past, and I didn’t deserve better. There are so many stories that I could fill an entire book’s worth.

The flip side is how it’s propelled me forward. How I ranked in the top 10% of my high school graduating class despite all the hardships at home. How I've designed for some of the biggest companies in Chicago and the country. How I’ve managed to be a designer, photographer, and yoga teacher. How I continue to challenge myself and be the best version of myself. How I continue to dream big to make a positive impact in this world.

I swing between extremes.

I felt like I wasn’t enough so I over compensated. I felt the need to prove myself and be the best at every single thing I did, becoming a perfectionist. Other times, I didn’t try at all because, why bother, it wouldn't be perfect anyways, right? I felt unworthy and sought external validation to tell me otherwise. I judged everyone. I silently tore down other people so that I could feel better about myself. If anyone else succeeded at what I wanted, I pretended that I didn’t want it that badly.

Recently, I was examining how jealousy shows up for me and I traced it back to the feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. I've realized underneath jealousy, underneath perfectionism, underneath staying in a toxic relationship, is that seed of "not enough."

Goodbye “Not enough.” Goodbye Unworthiness.

I am inherently worthy of joy, love, freedom and so much more.

The only validation I need is from myself.

I don’t have to be the best at anything.

I act from a place of love. From the heart.

My talents and experiences allow me to offer a simultaneously unique and relatable perspective to life.

It does not make me better or worse than anyone else.

I am enough. Just as I am. 

You are enough. Just as you are.

We are perfectly imperfect.

Escape Vs. Enrich

Last August, I started a new job and on my first day, I drew a tropical scene on my new whiteboard. A giant palm tree on the beach and a little boat leading to a structure in the distant water with a straw thatched roof. It was a reminder of where I actually wanted to be instead of in a cubicle in Chicago. Little did I know that 8 months later, I would get to see it in person. 

I had just left an unfulfilling job and taken a weeklong staycation in an effort to unwind and relax. I quickly realized that I had no idea how to relax or take it easy. I couldn't stop my heart from racing from anxiety that there wasn't enough money or time, that I should be doing more, being more, that I was not enough. I wasn't able to sit still or be with myself. After an exhausting week of trying to do nothing, there I was, back in an office, hidden from the sunny days I craved so much. New company, new desk, new people. I feared it would be more or less the same as my last job. Thankfully, it isn't.

As I've deepened my meditation practice over the past 6 weeks, life has gotten easier. I've learned how to sail with the highs and lows of life, and put into practice remaining equanimous.

"Is this really happening? Is this real life?" I've found myself saying these words countless times over the past few months and even more during this past weekend in paradise. I was in awe that I was in a picturesque Caribbean scene with white beaches and glittering turquoise water for the first time in my life. Leafy green palm trees that waved in the breeze. Serene blues, greens and whites- just like my bedroom in Chicago. 

Returning from a weekend in paradise, I noticed that I have not been struck by the post-vacation blues. I did not spend the entire weekend filled with anxiety, feeling like I had to soak up as much fun and relaxation as possible and dreading my return to reality like I normally do while on vacation. This vacation wasn't an escape from reality. It was reality. I have finally learned how to live in the moment.

Best Year Yet

I just hit “send” on an an application to be a photographer on Yoga Journal’s Live Be Yoga Tour. What an amazing end to 2016.

This has been the best year of my life yet and it was life-changing. I knew big changes were coming in 2016 but I really could not have imagined the magnitude of these changes in my life. I hoped I would leave the corporate world to teach yoga full time. That did not happen but I did get a new corporate job with AMAZING co-workers, so amazing that I am no longer in a rush to leave. I am not teaching yoga full time yet but I will have 2 weekly classes starting in the January!!

I made resolutions for 2016 to work up to a 6 day a week practice, even if it’s just 10 minutes long some days, and to be more selective about where I expend my energy. I can happily say that I succeeded in both resolutions and will continue to do so day after day, year after year.

2016 was a year of healing. I overcame trauma. I learned how to manage anxiety. I discovered my values and self-worth. I graduated from yoga teacher training. I started a new job. I moved (next door).

One year ago to the day, I met Lelia and she has been an empowering mentor and important part of my life. She helped me find the power within myself to do so many of these amazing things throughout the year. I found the courage to apply for this opportunity, to be detached from the outcome, to know that regardless of whether or not I am offered this opportunity, it does not dictate my worth as a person.

Thank you to everyone that has been a part of this year and my life!!

The Struggle to Love My Body

I’ve noticed lots of self deprecating humor lately from people about their body image. Where does it border on disdain and self hate? The things I’ve read are not things that they would say to someone else. 

I don’t have an epic weight loss story. I’ve stayed within the same 10 pound range for my entire adult life. So who I am I to speak on body image? I’m not here to compare stories, one up anyone or complain about my past. 

I’ve struggled with my body image, confidence and self worth for most of my life. I believed I was ugly and needed to lose weight. I put my self-worth in the way I looked. For a while, I tried to eat only 1200 calories a day, obsessive about the calories to the point that I would only eat packaged food that had a nutrition facts label. But then I binged on the weekend and would be wracked with guilt and feel like a failure. The cycle of punishment through food resumed back on Monday. I would exercise with passionate hate filled thoughts about my body, how I would never be good enough, and all the while being miserable.

When I realized counting calories wasn’t working for me, I stopped counting and ate whatever I wanted within reason. I kept working out with the goal to look a certain way. One day, I was feeling really good and confident in my strength. I compared my body to an older picture. Oh shit… I looked the more or less same. At that moment it clicked. I may never look a certain way but I FELT amazing! What had happened was a mindset shift.

I began exercising to feel good rather than solely look good. To feel good mentally and internally with my digestion. I stopped cutting away food I loved and stopped eating with guilt. I cut down on my portions by noticing when I was full (when I would take a big inhale in the middle of eating). I do exercises that I love and look forward to. I’m always learning more but the most dramatic change was in my mindset. I hope these words inspire you to be kind towards yourself and your body in your health and fitness journey and always.

What Yoga Taught Me About Self-Love

What is self-love?

First, how do we show others that we love them? Accept them exactly as they are, listen, protect, show affection, and so much more. Self-love is applying this same level of love to ourselves. My journey towards deeper self-love has taken years of making tiny changes, lots of mistakes, and many shifts in mindset shifts. When I made yoga a part of my daily life two years ago, it cultivated my loving body awareness.

I accept myself.

You are enough, I am enough. There will always be a more challenging pose to master. My practice began with trying to attain the next pose in the Ashtanga Yoga sequence and putting it into my “Bank of Poses.” Being able to do a perfect handstand doesn't make someone a better person. Although working towards a goal and improving are wonderful things, it can stir a great amount of discontent when our minds are only goal oriented, forward looking. I'll be happy when... I can do a handstand. I'll be happy when... I get that raise. I'll be happy when… There is an implication that you are not good enough and you need to be better. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. You are enough, I am enough. Right now, at this very moment. Acceptance and improvement are not mutually exclusive. We can love and accept ourselves and improve. I learned to accept by cultivating gratitude. I have big strong legs to hold me in Warrior I. My strong core protects my organs and my willpower. I have a soft heart that is capable of giving and receiving love. I have arms that help lift others up! By acknowledging the gifts in my life and my body, I am able to create space to invite bountiful positivity and growth.

I listen to my body.

How do we listen to our bodies? They change from day to day. A pose that I could do yesterday may not happen today, but might happen tomorrow! Some days I can do a split, other days, no way! By cultivating awareness in my body through my yoga practice, I became more attune to the subtle changes that food would have on my digestion and my state mind. Some days, I just want some soup and salad. Other days, I need a big juicy burger with a side of mashed potatoes and I enjoy every bite of it without guilt. Our bodies are affected by the changing of the seasons, and I adjust my food and my exercise to accommodate. Beyond my body, I learned how to listen by distinguishing what aligned with my authentic self and let go of what didn't without guilt. I act with intention and purpose. MY purpose. Not my mom's, best friend's or boyfriend's. My own. I act with my values of peace, joy, love, abundance and authenticity. When it doesn't align, I am able to say "no" with ease. Loving ourselves is being true to ourselves, and this begins with listening.

I protect my body and show it affection.

For 2 years, I set the intention to wake up early for yoga every day. Some days it happened, some it didn't. It was inconsistent. I had an expectation for how the practice should look: 1.5 hours of sweaty Ashtanga yoga. That's extremely challenging for me to do every single day, work a full time job and have a social life. Eventually, I let go of the expectations and decided that some movement was better than no movement. I created a flexible morning routine that means waking up at the same time and doing yoga but the style and length of time that I practice fluctuates with how I'm feeling that day. Slowly and over time, I added meditation to this morning routine by shortening my practice just 5 or 10 minutes. My flexible morning routine protects my body, and shows it affection. 

Thank you, yoga.

Yoga has helped me find acceptance, listen and protect my body, and show myself loving affection. By cultivating body awareness, I was able to translate the metaphors that were occurring in my physical practice to bring them off the mat and into my life. Yoga inspires me every day. If you are searching for a more loving connection with your body, try stepping onto the yoga mat and find a style that works for your lifestyle, body and mind. Love shows up in different forms for everyone. Other ways of showing ourselves love could be lifting weights, reading a book, taking a walk around the block, going fishing, taking a bath, or taking pleasure in the food that we eat and not feeling guilty about it. All with purpose and intention.

Don't Dig Up in Doubt What You Planted in Faith

One year ago to the day, I had a crazy thought that thrilled me and scared me. I wrote it down so I would not forget:

"I want to become a yoga instructor. I want to open my own studio. I want to be able to someday do what i love all day to be able to support us."

Months later, actions were taken to put this seemingly far-fetched dream into motion. I did all the research and put in the time, energy and effort and I am now about about 6 weeks away from graduating from my 200 hour yoga teacher training.

It astounds me how much I have grown over the past year and I'm intrigued at what the future might bring. I know there is still much more work to be done to make this dream a reality. As with any journey, there are highs and lows. I'm putting into practice how to experience everything that comes up, both the good and the bad, rather than suppressing the bad. There are still some difficult emotions that I'm not ready to deal with yet but maybe someday. Despite all of that, I love every step of this journey that is setting my heart free. I've never been so sure of anything else in my life and it makes me feel ALIVE.

"Don't dig up in doubt what you planted in faith."

Transformation

Happenstance or kismet? 

On Saturday, my YTT class picked spirit animal cards. Out of a deck of 50 or so, my friend Cat and I both got the butterfly as our spirit animal. When I came into work today, I was given this gift from my co-worker who just got back from Costa Rica. I have not spoken to her about butterflies or my spirit animal. It couldn't be more fitting and it made my day. 
Here's what my butterfly card said:

TRANSFORMATION

"Get ready for a big breakthrough"

"It's very possible to go through major changes calmly and willingly when you view them as natural and hold relentless positive expectations. Whether in the darkness before the storm of emergence, the process of coming out of the self-created cocoon (which occasions some struggle at times), or the full and glorious expression of the new "you," it's faith in the wisdom of Great Spirit and your conscious resonance with Source that will be your guiding force. There's no need to identify with or feel constricted within the cocoon or by the darkness before the light—it's only a phase! The truth is that you're birthing each and every moment. Yet sometimes there are larger cycles that incorporate so many unexpected twists and turns that it can at times seem momentous and frightening. You may feel scattered, uncertain, flitting from this to that, with seemingly no thread of continuity that you can grab hold of. It's worth it to pause at those times, enjoy the richness and beauty of it all, and have absolute trust that this is a natural progression for your soul's development. What is coming to fruition each and every time is more and more of the true Self that is your destiny."

Additional associations: Rebirth; Vibrancy; Reincarnation; Colorfulness