Hello World. I Am Here.

My surroundings are gray, linear, and structured. To some, this might sound like the ideal dream. Not to me. My spirit is being crushed beneath the confines of the monotony. My spirit desires to float, create, weave, and twirl. Organic and intuitive. I am in a box. A room within a block building in a city built upon a grid. Again, to some, this is exactly what they want. I feel inauthentic. I feel out of place. I am a dreamer, an intuitive, a creative, a healer. I yearn to be in nature, to heal the world through storytelling, plant medicine, and body work. I am here to help people feel good in their bodies and their minds. I am here to teach, guide and inspire through my own experiences. 

No more of this "means to an end" bullshit. What the hell is the "end" anyways? I resolve to stop putting my life on hold until I achieve this thing or that thing. I resolve to stop trying to fit my life into a plan. We all know how plans go. I intend to make my daily life, in all the mundane parts of it, aligned to the way I want to feel and to my core. I intend to Aim True.

Body and Tribe.

2015 was a year of connecting with my body through a yoga practice. The outward form, the expression of yoga postures, came easily to me and after a lifetime of low self-esteem, this helped to build my confidence in myself. I started to see how capable and strong I was. It was the year that I had a profound moment of knowing that yoga was the path I was to walk. It was the year that I began to attract the people in my life that would help me heal and transform. My tribe. 

Mind and Spirit.

2016 was a year of connecting with a spiritual practice and of recognizing and healing emotional trauma. It was a year of recognizing my mental and emotional resilience. It was the year that I started to ask "who am I?" It was the year that the facade and walls crumbled and the image of my true self started to emerge. 

Release and Explore.

2017 was a year of releasing toxic relationships and mentalities that no longer served me. It was the year that the vision of my future exploded and the year that I rebuilt. It was the year that I learned about who I was as a person. It was the year that I learned how to love myself without a partner. It was the year that I explored the country and the world. It was the year that I found freedom.

2018

I have no idea how this year will pan out. I learned and grew more in the past 3 years than I ever imagined possible. None of it was planned. My intention for this year is to use my voice and SHINE. Hello world. I am here. 

Do You Trust Yourself?

I've been paralyzed by fear of making decisions which resulted in inaction and wishing someone else would make the choice for me.

I didn't trust myself.

I was afraid of making mistakes, of being blamed, of disappointing people. I still am afraid of those things. And I still get paralyzed by that fear.

I'm deciding to look that fear in the face and take action.

I have the power to change my life.

I have the power to create the life I want.

It hasn't been easy. In fact, it's been very very painful, heart wrenching, and scary.

It was all uncharted territory.

I had to look into the deep, dark corners of myself that I spent so long trying to hide and bury out of shame. I had to learn how to trust myself and discern what was my own truth and what were hurtful and abusive projections and criticisms from others. They were not mine.

I shared this with a friend this week but it's a message we could all use or be reminded of. 
Other people can't make your decisions for you. I want you to trust yourself and your decisions. I want you to take responsibility for your choices and your actions. You are strong and capable and powerful and resilient and can do this. Don't let anything from your past tell you otherwise.

Show up and do the work. Go through the darkness and on the other side is bliss and freedom. ✨

Now Begins the Study of Yoga

Now begins the study of yoga. 

Atha yoganushasanam. 

Yoga sutra 1.1

I first stumbled across Ashtanga yoga at the gym in 2012, strayed away from it for a few years, then began a dedicated practice two and a half years ago. I went into it as a means of staying in shape. I had no idea that it would be the catalyst of an epic and incredible journey of transformation, healing, and growth that is still and always will be ongoing. I had no idea at the time how unhealthy and unhappy my life was. I was working a job that wasn't paying me my worth. I couldn't see my worth at all. I was in a toxic relationship that I didn't even know was toxic. I didn't feel like I was making any valuable contribution to the world. I had low self-esteem and no confidence. I had years and years of built up anger from trauma that was never acknowledged or addressed. The anger was explosive and destructive. 

The practice along with the writing from several teachers, like Kino, started to plant the seed of a more peaceful life. Within weeks, I experienced an unshakable knowing that I had to follow the yogic path. I had never been so sure of anything else in my life. 

It wasn't the practice alone but the combination of an insatiable thirst for knowledge, various modalities, and many people- teachers, mentors, a therapist, and friends, that have guided me to the place I am now. Every day I make the decision to show up. Put in the work. Get on my mat.

Practice and all is coming. 

Not Enough

The story. The script. The line. The lie.

The one that whispers so sweetly that I've always let it in. The one that waits just at the edge of my mind, jumping in at every chance. Clawing its way over me, bearing down, until I shrink and retreat. The one that's disguised itself so flawlessly that it's taken years to finally recognize and unmask. The one that says "you are not enough."

I have let this line, this lie, operate my life. “You are not enough.” Not tall enough. Not thin enough. Not smart enough. Not making enough. Not sacrificing enough. Not doing enough. Not being enough. Not good enough. Not enough.

There are two sides to this story.

One side is how it’s held me back. How I spent years battling with my body image, feeling like there was something wrong with me because from early memories, I was told I was too short, too dark skinned, and too skinny, then suddenly too heavy, and all sorts of other “flaws” that I had no control over. How I didn't see my talent and value in my work. How I’ve felt unlovable, like no one would love me if they knew the real me, if they knew the shameful parts of my past, and I didn’t deserve better. There are so many stories that I could fill an entire book’s worth.

The flip side is how it’s propelled me forward. How I ranked in the top 10% of my high school graduating class despite all the hardships at home. How I've designed for some of the biggest companies in Chicago and the country. How I’ve managed to be a designer, photographer, and yoga teacher. How I continue to challenge myself and be the best version of myself. How I continue to dream big to make a positive impact in this world.

I swing between extremes.

I felt like I wasn’t enough so I over compensated. I felt the need to prove myself and be the best at every single thing I did, becoming a perfectionist. Other times, I didn’t try at all because, why bother, it wouldn't be perfect anyways, right? I felt unworthy and sought external validation to tell me otherwise. I judged everyone. I silently tore down other people so that I could feel better about myself. If anyone else succeeded at what I wanted, I pretended that I didn’t want it that badly.

Recently, I was examining how jealousy shows up for me and I traced it back to the feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. I've realized underneath jealousy, underneath perfectionism, underneath staying in a toxic relationship, is that seed of "not enough."

Goodbye “Not enough.” Goodbye Unworthiness.

I am inherently worthy of joy, love, freedom and so much more.

The only validation I need is from myself.

I don’t have to be the best at anything.

I act from a place of love. From the heart.

My talents and experiences allow me to offer a simultaneously unique and relatable perspective to life.

It does not make me better or worse than anyone else.

I am enough. Just as I am. 

You are enough. Just as you are.

We are perfectly imperfect.

Best Year Yet

I just hit “send” on an an application to be a photographer on Yoga Journal’s Live Be Yoga Tour. What an amazing end to 2016.

This has been the best year of my life yet and it was life-changing. I knew big changes were coming in 2016 but I really could not have imagined the magnitude of these changes in my life. I hoped I would leave the corporate world to teach yoga full time. That did not happen but I did get a new corporate job with AMAZING co-workers, so amazing that I am no longer in a rush to leave. I am not teaching yoga full time yet but I will have 2 weekly classes starting in the January!!

I made resolutions for 2016 to work up to a 6 day a week practice, even if it’s just 10 minutes long some days, and to be more selective about where I expend my energy. I can happily say that I succeeded in both resolutions and will continue to do so day after day, year after year.

2016 was a year of healing. I overcame trauma. I learned how to manage anxiety. I discovered my values and self-worth. I graduated from yoga teacher training. I started a new job. I moved (next door).

One year ago to the day, I met Lelia and she has been an empowering mentor and important part of my life. She helped me find the power within myself to do so many of these amazing things throughout the year. I found the courage to apply for this opportunity, to be detached from the outcome, to know that regardless of whether or not I am offered this opportunity, it does not dictate my worth as a person.

Thank you to everyone that has been a part of this year and my life!!