Distract from Discomfort
I opened up Facebook out of habit to try and feel better, to avoid discomfort, and to try to connect with friends. It wasn't real connection though- it was a lurking in the shadows, looking at other people's lives while not interacting.
Obsessive.
It's how I was feeling towards Facebook and Instagram a few weeks ago. It's how I was feeling towards a situation in my life. It was on my mind all the time. It created a knot in my stomach and a grip around my chest. I was too busy to deal with the emotions that made me so uncomfortable so I stayed even more distracted. I spent even more time on Facebook. I was scrolling and scrolling, trying to feel better. Ten more minutes. Scrolling. Oops, it's been 30 minutes. I had exceeded the point where the posts were uplifting and of substance and to me and it was all negativity. This had to change.
Last week, I stayed home from work with a cold and luckily had the weekend ahead of me so I resolved to fully heal both my physical and emotional bodies by resting and doing a Facebook and Instagram detox for the weekend. Boy, that gave me some insight into my behaviors. I had no plans for the weekend. Nothing to do, nowhere to be. I reached for my phone out of habit. Again. And again. And again. I paid attention to how I was feeling each time I did that.
Fatigue. Boredom. Discomfort. Sadness. Loneliness. Guilt. Shame.
I realized how I opened up Facebook out of habit to try and feel better, to avoid discomfort, and to try to connect with friends. It wasn't real connection though- it was a lurking in the shadows, looking at other people's lives while not interacting. I changed my actions: when I felt the need to connect with someone, I texted them instead or made plans to meet face to face and have a conversation. I dealt with the feelings, journaled about them and talked about them with close friends. I remembered what actually makes me feel better - yoga, eating well, sitting outside in the sun, and reading a good book. I picked my activities with intention rather than mindlessly reaching for my phone, hoping there might be a gem in my newsfeed.
Quit It with the Fix It Energy
When someone else is sad, I try and fix it, try and find the source of it and make it all better. Is it because of my own inability to sit with my sadness?
This week alone, two friends posted about it and I read it in a book. This “fix it” energy. Trying to fix other people’s problems without an invitation for advice. It’s my go-to action. Or is that a knee jerk re-action? Is anyone else guilty of this?
I’m learning how to sit back and truly listen without barreling full steam ahead with my toolbox. I noticed it last week when a friend told me about his computer problems and I immediately started troubleshooting it. It took a while before I stopped and it hit me, like a cartoon character running headfirst into a stop sign. Bam! Dramatic fall! Ouch. He didn’t ask for help. He was just telling me about his day.
It’s even more prevalent and more ambiguous when it comes to emotions. When someone else is sad, I try and fix it, try and find the source of it and make it all better. Is it because of my own inability to sit with my sadness?
Yesterday, I was on this high-energy buzz of gratitude. The weather was perfect, one of my amazing coworkers gave me a cheer up self-care package full of lush products, I booked plane tickets to go to Seattle to teach yoga at a workshop (SAY WHAT?!?! More about this later!), and amazing things were happening to amazing people in my life from entrepreneurship awards to job offers.
When I woke up this morning, I felt sad. I’ve been waking up in tears in the middle of every night this week, missing my dog (don’t fix this for me, it’s mine to own). I immediately went on Facebook, hoping for something to spark the feel good rush from yesterday. It didn’t work. The hamster wheel in my mind started turning, racing, as I tried to find the source of my sadness. The gloomy weather? Unanswered text? Not yet Saturday? Missing my dog? This break up? I suddenly stopped myself in this frantic search and realized, what does it matter? Am I just trying to find the source of the emotion so that I can change it? So that I can avoid it? I just let myself be sad, without trying to figure out why, without trying to change it. It’s okay to feel the way I feel.
I rolled out my mat. The clouds outside literally parted and the sun came out.
Returning from Grief
Whatever it is you are going through, know that you are not alone. There is healing power in talking about our experiences, in connecting with others who have been through the same. There are people who can and will meet you where you are. Not everyone is ready to hear you, but know your worth, know you are worthy of unconditional love, and those who can see you and hear you, will show up.
It's been radio silence on my Instagram for about two months now. I haven't been able to come up with the energy to share, to take pictures, or to even practice asana. I've been trying to get these words out for a week and it hasn't felt right, but today, I woke up, and it all started flowing to me.
I made a decision at the end of February that turned my world upside down. It completely changed the course of my life as I had envisioned. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I know in my heart and with all of my being, I know, that it is the best way for us to heal and grow into the best versions of ourselves.
I couldn't get those words out without sounding vague. I post about authenticity and vulnerability. I want to be a part in ending the stigma around mental health issues. I want to bring light to the darker human experiences that we have gone through but keep hidden because of the shame in our culture around talking about them. I have so much to share with you and some day, I will. In the mean time, whatever it is you are going through, know that you are not alone. There is healing power in talking about our experiences, in connecting with others who have been through the same. There are people who can and will meet you where you are. Not everyone is ready to hear you, but know your worth, know you are worthy of unconditional love, and those who can see you and hear you, will show up.
The grief still comes in waves but time is moving at a normal pace again. No longer does a minute or an hour feel like a whole day. Through the meditation practice I've cultivated over the past few months, I have been learning how to observe my feelings. I came up with an affirmation to help me through the harder moments that I'm sharing with you.
"It's okay to feel the way I feel. There is no shame or guilt in feeling this way. This is my shadow side coming up for an opportunity to examine why I feel this way. Observe it before moving through the negativity, doubts, and sadness. This is a practice in not reacting. This is a practice in non-attachment. I trust that life/the universe/god will take me exactly where I need to be."
Open Your Heart to Magic
Open your heart to the world and breathe in the beauty. As I have broken down the walls that I built around my heart, I feel so much more. More love, more expansive, more pain. I feel alive!
Open your heart to the world and breathe in the beauty.
As I have broken down the walls that I built around my heart, I feel so much more.
More love,
more expansive,
more pain.
I feel alive!
There was a period of deep deep pain that I had to move through.
By sitting with the grief and anger without pushing it away or avoiding it, I was able to dissolve it into understanding, forgiveness, and grace to make way for the magic that enters my life every day.