How I Handle Exhaustion

Work hard. Play hard. REST hard.

I live my life in extremes. I try to tone it back sometimes but it goes against my nature. I've never used that phrase "work hard play hard" to describe my life but lately I am realizing that is exactly how I live my life. The missing component is the REST. I usually go go go until I get sick. My body forces me to stop. I will travel every other weekend for months, go out dancing til 2am, and do all the things accessible to me as a millennial living in a major metropolis. I will also take many nights in solitude, in silence. Just me and my breath, my heartbeat, my journal, and the slowest yoga I can practice to counteract the fast paced living. This isn't forever (nothing is) but this is my life right now and I'm not going to wait for it to slow down before I rest. I am going to build in, schedule in, the rest time that my body is craving. 

A friend recently asked how I handle the exhaustion. Here was my response:

I'm still figuring it out (which I might always be doing) but I surrender to it. I let go of the need to push harder, whether that's working out more, doing more, reading more. I stop scheduling so many things. I stop making too many plans. I straighten up my room, light a candle, take a shower, and just sit. Just be. My mind wants to be checking facebook or reading psychology articles while I'm sitting (doesn't everyone do that for fun?), but those things aren't truly resting. So I listen to the silence around me. Listen to my favorite music. Be by myself. 

When I'm eating, I see it as idle time and want to be reading, on Facebook or instagram too. Staying distracted. But I take a moment to look at my food, think about all the ingredients in it, where each ingredient came from, who had to plant the seeds, harvest them, transport them on a truck, bring them to the store or restaurant, all for me to have this singular meal. It blows my mind how easily accessible food is for us.

I connect with my physical body through all its senses.

I clean my body and clean my surroundings.

I get out of my head and into my body.

Just be.

Not Enough

The story. The script. The line. The lie.

The one that whispers so sweetly that I've always let it in. The one that waits just at the edge of my mind, jumping in at every chance. Clawing its way over me, bearing down, until I shrink and retreat. The one that's disguised itself so flawlessly that it's taken years to finally recognize and unmask. The one that says "you are not enough."

I have let this line, this lie, operate my life. “You are not enough.” Not tall enough. Not thin enough. Not smart enough. Not making enough. Not sacrificing enough. Not doing enough. Not being enough. Not good enough. Not enough.

There are two sides to this story.

One side is how it’s held me back. How I spent years battling with my body image, feeling like there was something wrong with me because from early memories, I was told I was too short, too dark skinned, and too skinny, then suddenly too heavy, and all sorts of other “flaws” that I had no control over. How I didn't see my talent and value in my work. How I’ve felt unlovable, like no one would love me if they knew the real me, if they knew the shameful parts of my past, and I didn’t deserve better. There are so many stories that I could fill an entire book’s worth.

The flip side is how it’s propelled me forward. How I ranked in the top 10% of my high school graduating class despite all the hardships at home. How I've designed for some of the biggest companies in Chicago and the country. How I’ve managed to be a designer, photographer, and yoga teacher. How I continue to challenge myself and be the best version of myself. How I continue to dream big to make a positive impact in this world.

I swing between extremes.

I felt like I wasn’t enough so I over compensated. I felt the need to prove myself and be the best at every single thing I did, becoming a perfectionist. Other times, I didn’t try at all because, why bother, it wouldn't be perfect anyways, right? I felt unworthy and sought external validation to tell me otherwise. I judged everyone. I silently tore down other people so that I could feel better about myself. If anyone else succeeded at what I wanted, I pretended that I didn’t want it that badly.

Recently, I was examining how jealousy shows up for me and I traced it back to the feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. I've realized underneath jealousy, underneath perfectionism, underneath staying in a toxic relationship, is that seed of "not enough."

Goodbye “Not enough.” Goodbye Unworthiness.

I am inherently worthy of joy, love, freedom and so much more.

The only validation I need is from myself.

I don’t have to be the best at anything.

I act from a place of love. From the heart.

My talents and experiences allow me to offer a simultaneously unique and relatable perspective to life.

It does not make me better or worse than anyone else.

I am enough. Just as I am. 

You are enough. Just as you are.

We are perfectly imperfect.

Escape Vs. Enrich

Last August, I started a new job and on my first day, I drew a tropical scene on my new whiteboard. A giant palm tree on the beach and a little boat leading to a structure in the distant water with a straw thatched roof. It was a reminder of where I actually wanted to be instead of in a cubicle in Chicago. Little did I know that 8 months later, I would get to see it in person. 

I had just left an unfulfilling job and taken a weeklong staycation in an effort to unwind and relax. I quickly realized that I had no idea how to relax or take it easy. I couldn't stop my heart from racing from anxiety that there wasn't enough money or time, that I should be doing more, being more, that I was not enough. I wasn't able to sit still or be with myself. After an exhausting week of trying to do nothing, there I was, back in an office, hidden from the sunny days I craved so much. New company, new desk, new people. I feared it would be more or less the same as my last job. Thankfully, it isn't.

As I've deepened my meditation practice over the past 6 weeks, life has gotten easier. I've learned how to sail with the highs and lows of life, and put into practice remaining equanimous.

"Is this really happening? Is this real life?" I've found myself saying these words countless times over the past few months and even more during this past weekend in paradise. I was in awe that I was in a picturesque Caribbean scene with white beaches and glittering turquoise water for the first time in my life. Leafy green palm trees that waved in the breeze. Serene blues, greens and whites- just like my bedroom in Chicago. 

Returning from a weekend in paradise, I noticed that I have not been struck by the post-vacation blues. I did not spend the entire weekend filled with anxiety, feeling like I had to soak up as much fun and relaxation as possible and dreading my return to reality like I normally do while on vacation. This vacation wasn't an escape from reality. It was reality. I have finally learned how to live in the moment.