Mona Luan 8/1/17 Mona Luan 8/1/17

The Warrior's Way

As a perfectionist and an optimist, it's easy to always look at a situation and see how it could be better, how it could be different.

I was always looking on the bright side of things, looking for the silver lining.

As a perfectionist and an optimist, it's easy to always look at a situation and see how it could be better, how it could be different.

I was always looking on the bright side of things, looking for the silver lining.

This often lead to denial when a situation was shitty and painful.

There have been countless times that I've shared my experience with someone and the response was "at least..." At least I'm not starving. At least I have a roof over my head. At least. At least. At least. Are only the people in the worst conditions allowed to feel bad? I spent years thinking that I had no right to complain about the hardships in my life because "it could have been worse" but we do have to acknowledge the pain. And yes, it's so easy to get stuck in the negativity and to spiral in the other direction- to become a pessimist, never be able to see the good and become an endless loop of complaints.

I'm finding the sweet spot. The balance between those opposite ways of thinking. Acknowledging the bad and uncomfortable, and accepting that it is what it is, THEN finding ways to shift it. Also acknowledging the good, great, amazing things and basking in gratitude. One of my favorite journaling exercises is to write about what I would like to change AND what I have gratitude for.

Listening to an episode of @yogagirl's podcast with @waylonlewis, the founder of @elephantjournal, reminded me this balance when he shared a quote by Pema Chodron.

"If the warrior (which is a noble human being who is serving the good of others and enjoying their life) can keep the sadness and pain of life in their heart and at the same time the vision brilliance of the sun rising up in the morning in their mind, then they can live a good life."

💖

Mona Luan 7/16/17 Mona Luan 7/16/17

Four Channels of Nourishment on the Spiritual Path

There are four channels of nourishment on the narrow road of the yoga, the spiritual path.

I am so overwhelmed with gratitude. This is my third year studying with Kino. It was her writing about the spiritual path in her instagram posts combined with the discipline and magic of the Ashtanga yoga practice that woke me up to how I could lead a peaceful life.

My biggest takeaway from the weekend is that there are four channels of nourishment on the narrow road of the yoga, the spiritual path.

1. The student's effort. To receive, to show up and put in the work, to listen.

2. The teacher.

3. The sangha or the community, friends around us that support us, celebrate with us. People to look ahead at that inspire us, people to look back at and to see that there are others following us along this path, friends that help us stay focused on the path.

4. Time. It can't be rushed. I used to say "I've been practicing Ashtanga for a whole year!" And now I say "wow I've only been practicing for less than 3 years." I still feel like a beginner in so many ways.

I'm so grateful for Kino as one of my teachers and so grateful for my sangha.

Mona Luan 5/11/17 Mona Luan 5/11/17

Not Enough

The story. The script. The line. The lie.

The one that whispers so sweetly that I've always let it in. The one that waits just at the edge of my mind, jumping in at every chance.

The story. The script. The line. The lie.

The one that whispers so sweetly that I've always let it in. The one that waits just at the edge of my mind, jumping in at every chance. Clawing its way over me, bearing down, until I shrink and retreat. The one that's disguised itself so flawlessly that it's taken years to finally recognize and unmask. The one that says "you are not enough."

I have let this line, this lie, operate my life. “You are not enough.” Not tall enough. Not thin enough. Not smart enough. Not making enough. Not sacrificing enough. Not doing enough. Not being enough. Not good enough. Not enough.

There are two sides to this story.

One side is how it’s held me back. How I spent years battling with my body image, feeling like there was something wrong with me because from early memories, I was told I was too short, too dark skinned, and too skinny, then suddenly too heavy, and all sorts of other “flaws” that I had no control over. How I didn't see my talent and value in my work. How I’ve felt unlovable, like no one would love me if they knew the real me, if they knew the shameful parts of my past, and I didn’t deserve better. There are so many stories that I could fill an entire book’s worth.

The flip side is how it’s propelled me forward. How I ranked in the top 10% of my high school graduating class despite all the hardships at home. How I've designed for some of the biggest companies in Chicago and the country. How I’ve managed to be a designer, photographer, and yoga teacher. How I continue to challenge myself and be the best version of myself. How I continue to dream big to make a positive impact in this world.

I swing between extremes.

I felt like I wasn’t enough so I over compensated. I felt the need to prove myself and be the best at every single thing I did, becoming a perfectionist. Other times, I didn’t try at all because, why bother, it wouldn't be perfect anyways, right? I felt unworthy and sought external validation to tell me otherwise. I judged everyone. I silently tore down other people so that I could feel better about myself. If anyone else succeeded at what I wanted, I pretended that I didn’t want it that badly.

Recently, I was examining how jealousy shows up for me and I traced it back to the feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. I've realized underneath jealousy, underneath perfectionism, underneath staying in a toxic relationship, is that seed of "not enough."