How Do You Want to FEEL?

How do you want to feel?

What will you do to feel the way you want to feel?

I ask myself these questions almost every day as a way of checking in with myself. Three answers always come up- Peace, Joy, and Love. Yeah, it's all rainbows and butterflies, but it's so much more. 

Peace

For me, peace means living with ease, being well rested, quiet, zen, safety, security, care-free, freedom to be myself. It's a quiet feeling, where I can fully relax, breathe, and know that all is well. 

Joy

For me, joy means feeling alive, looking at the world with awe, feeling inspired, excited, happy, motivated, freedom to explore, learn, and grow. It's expansive, big, like I can do anything, running through the fields with arms wide open kind of feeling. 

Love

For me, love feels like belonging, being fully accepted, being seen and heard, gratitude, giving, serving, connection. 

Connection

I keep coming back to connection. What does connection mean to me?

It means being first and foremost connected with myself- in body, mind and spirit. I do this through self-care practices of yoga, meditation, journaling, oracle cards, dance, food, therapy, learning, sleep, being in nature, in solitude.

When I have fulfilled my basic needs and am feeling centered and clear, I can move outside of my own body into my physical surroundings and connect with others- my relationships, my home, my work space, and more nature.

When I feel connected to the people in my life and my surroundings, I can give even more and I ask what can I offer the world? What am I naturally talented at? What do I love doing? How can I combine those and serve my community?

It starts within and moves outwards, expanding infinitely with love. 💖🦋✨🌈☀️🌴🌱💚

Reminders of Gratitude and Joy

The combination of winter blues and being surrounded by negativity has made it challenging to find gratitude and silver linings. As hard as I try to not let it affect me, it seeps in. I was doing almost everything the articles recommended to combat seasonal depression but the past few weeks have dragged on and it took all my might to get through each day. I found myself compiling a list of complaints in my mind of what I would usually perceive as minor inconveniences, but I had built them up in my head as something bigger. I wanted to tell someone and get sympathy for how the world seemed to be stacked up against me. It’s not. At all. I have so much to be grateful for. 

I was in a Yin Yoga training this weekend and our homework was to write down 11 things we are grateful for and 11 things that bring us joy. It helped to shift my perspective. We sat in a circle and shared 3 from each list. I got to hear 108 beautiful and heartwarming reminders of gratitude and joy. Here’s the 11 from my lists. I could easily write 108 for each.

I am grateful for:

• how warm my apartment is
• where I am in my life right now
• the people in my life and how supportive they are
• feeling like i belong here
• my body that is strong, healthy, flexible, and capable
• the privilege and opportunity to live in this city that is so full of life, culture, brilliant minds, inspiring people, and a like-minded community
• the easy access to good food and water
• my education
• the freedom to be myself and choose the life that I want to live
• the privilege I was born into and the inner strength and resilience that have helped me to where I am now
• my teachers

My joys are:

• the twinkly lights in my room that transform it into a magical world
• the sunlight that bathes my beautiful, peaceful, spacious home
• dog paws
• a good cup of tea
• the trees, squirrels, and bunnies in my neighborhood
• the layer of fresh snow that lines the trees
• majestic sunsets and sunrises
• stomach splitting laughter with my friends
• waking up in my own time to morning light, gauzy curtains, and warm, soft kisses
• the safety and contentment I feel in a tight embrace with my partner
• dancing wildly and freely

The Warrior's Way

Photo by Ashley Cova ashleycova.com

As a perfectionist and an optimist, it's easy to always look at a situation and see how it could be better, how it could be different.

I was always looking on the bright side of things, looking for the silver lining.

This often lead to denial when a situation was shitty and painful.

There have been countless times that I've shared my experience with someone and the response was "at least..." At least I'm not starving. At least I have a roof over my head. At least. At least. At least. Are only the people in the worst conditions allowed to feel bad? I spent years thinking that I had no right to complain about the hardships in my life because "it could have been worse" but we do have to acknowledge the pain. And yes, it's so easy to get stuck in the negativity and to spiral in the other direction- to become a pessimist, never be able to see the good and become an endless loop of complaints. 

I'm finding the sweet spot. The balance between those opposite ways of thinking. Acknowledging the bad and uncomfortable, and accepting that it is what it is, THEN finding ways to shift it. Also acknowledging the good, great, amazing things and basking in gratitude. One of my favorite journaling exercises is to write about what I would like to change AND what I have gratitude for.

Listening to an episode of @yogagirl's podcast with @waylonlewis, the founder of @elephantjournal, reminded me this balance when he shared a quote by Pema Chodron.

"If the warrior (which is a noble human being who is serving the good of others and enjoying their life) can keep the sadness and pain of life in their heart and at the same time the vision brilliance of the sun rising up in the morning in their mind, then they can live a good life."

💖

Four Channels of Nourishment on the Spiritual Path

I am so overwhelmed with gratitude. This is my third year studying with Kino. It was her writing about the spiritual path in her instagram posts combined with the discipline and magic of the Ashtanga yoga practice that woke me up to how I could lead a peaceful life.

My biggest takeaway from the weekend is that there are four channels of nourishment on the narrow road of the yoga, the spiritual path.

1. The student's effort. To receive, to show up and put in the work, to listen.

2. The teacher.

3. The sangha or the community, friends around us that support us, celebrate with us. People to look ahead at that inspire us, people to look back at and to see that there are others following us along this path, friends that help us stay focused on the path.

4. Time. It can't be rushed. I used to say "I've been practicing Ashtanga for a whole year!" And now I say "wow I've only been practicing for less than 3 years." I still feel like a beginner in so many ways.

I'm so grateful for Kino as one of my teachers and so grateful for my sangha.

How I Handle Exhaustion

Work hard. Play hard. REST hard.

I live my life in extremes. I try to tone it back sometimes but it goes against my nature. I've never used that phrase "work hard play hard" to describe my life but lately I am realizing that is exactly how I live my life. The missing component is the REST. I usually go go go until I get sick. My body forces me to stop. I will travel every other weekend for months, go out dancing til 2am, and do all the things accessible to me as a millennial living in a major metropolis. I will also take many nights in solitude, in silence. Just me and my breath, my heartbeat, my journal, and the slowest yoga I can practice to counteract the fast paced living. This isn't forever (nothing is) but this is my life right now and I'm not going to wait for it to slow down before I rest. I am going to build in, schedule in, the rest time that my body is craving. 

A friend recently asked how I handle the exhaustion. Here was my response:

I'm still figuring it out (which I might always be doing) but I surrender to it. I let go of the need to push harder, whether that's working out more, doing more, reading more. I stop scheduling so many things. I stop making too many plans. I straighten up my room, light a candle, take a shower, and just sit. Just be. My mind wants to be checking facebook or reading psychology articles while I'm sitting (doesn't everyone do that for fun?), but those things aren't truly resting. So I listen to the silence around me. Listen to my favorite music. Be by myself. 

When I'm eating, I see it as idle time and want to be reading, on Facebook or instagram too. Staying distracted. But I take a moment to look at my food, think about all the ingredients in it, where each ingredient came from, who had to plant the seeds, harvest them, transport them on a truck, bring them to the store or restaurant, all for me to have this singular meal. It blows my mind how easily accessible food is for us.

I connect with my physical body through all its senses.

I clean my body and clean my surroundings.

I get out of my head and into my body.

Just be.

Escape Vs. Enrich

Last August, I started a new job and on my first day, I drew a tropical scene on my new whiteboard. A giant palm tree on the beach and a little boat leading to a structure in the distant water with a straw thatched roof. It was a reminder of where I actually wanted to be instead of in a cubicle in Chicago. Little did I know that 8 months later, I would get to see it in person. 

I had just left an unfulfilling job and taken a weeklong staycation in an effort to unwind and relax. I quickly realized that I had no idea how to relax or take it easy. I couldn't stop my heart from racing from anxiety that there wasn't enough money or time, that I should be doing more, being more, that I was not enough. I wasn't able to sit still or be with myself. After an exhausting week of trying to do nothing, there I was, back in an office, hidden from the sunny days I craved so much. New company, new desk, new people. I feared it would be more or less the same as my last job. Thankfully, it isn't.

As I've deepened my meditation practice over the past 6 weeks, life has gotten easier. I've learned how to sail with the highs and lows of life, and put into practice remaining equanimous.

"Is this really happening? Is this real life?" I've found myself saying these words countless times over the past few months and even more during this past weekend in paradise. I was in awe that I was in a picturesque Caribbean scene with white beaches and glittering turquoise water for the first time in my life. Leafy green palm trees that waved in the breeze. Serene blues, greens and whites- just like my bedroom in Chicago. 

Returning from a weekend in paradise, I noticed that I have not been struck by the post-vacation blues. I did not spend the entire weekend filled with anxiety, feeling like I had to soak up as much fun and relaxation as possible and dreading my return to reality like I normally do while on vacation. This vacation wasn't an escape from reality. It was reality. I have finally learned how to live in the moment.

Returning from Grief

It's been radio silence on my Instagram for about two months now. I haven't been able to come up with the energy to share, to take pictures, or to even practice asana. I've been trying to get these words out for a week and it hasn't felt right, but today, I woke up, and it all started flowing to me. 

I made a decision at the end of February that turned my world upside down. It completely changed the course of my life as I had envisioned. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I know in my heart and with all of my being, I know, that it is the best way for us to heal and grow into the best versions of ourselves. 

I couldn't get those words out without sounding vague. I post about authenticity and vulnerability. I want to be a part in ending the stigma around mental health issues. I want to bring light to the darker human experiences that we have gone through but keep hidden because of the shame in our culture around talking about them. I have so much to share with you and some day, I will. In the mean time, whatever it is you are going through, know that you are not alone. There is healing power in talking about our experiences, in connecting with others who have been through the same. There are people who can and will meet you where you are. Not everyone is ready to hear you, but know your worth, know you are worthy of unconditional love, and those who can see you and hear you, will show up.

The grief still comes in waves but time is moving at a normal pace again. No longer does a minute or an hour feel like a whole day. Through the meditation practice I've cultivated over the past few months, I have been learning how to observe my feelings. I came up with an affirmation to help me through the harder moments that I'm sharing with you.

"It's okay to feel the way I feel. There is no shame or guilt in feeling this way. This is my shadow side coming up for an opportunity to examine why I feel this way. Observe it before moving through the negativity, doubts, and sadness. This is a practice in not reacting. This is a practice in non-attachment. I trust that life/the universe/god will take me exactly where I need to be."

Happiness is Not A Place

Loving life, loving this pose. I’m so grateful for my job and all the amazing people there. Reflecting (again) on the past year and all the changes that have occurred, I was so impatient to start teaching yoga full time and while it’s still my dream, I’m okay with letting it happen more organically, working at it a little each day with joy in my heart rather than trying to force things through gritted teeth. Taking my own advice, happiness is not a place of “I’ll be happy when ______ (fill in the blank).” It is cultivated each and every day through our thoughts, emotions and actions. A job does not determine my happiness but on this team, with this group of people, I feel like I can be myself. That ability to be authentic, for me, is freedom, peace, joy and love.