Waking Up From Winter
Seasonal affective disorder is no joke. The depression feels like a deep ache in the core of my being, a permeating sadness regardless of how good life is.
I can breathe again.
Daylight saving time began. Spring is on its way.
This winter was one of the hardest I’ve had in years. Seasonal affective disorder is no joke. The depression feels like a deep ache in the core of my being, a permeating sadness regardless of how good life is.
I tried to do everything that the articles recommended. Mindfulness, yoga, vitamin D, sun lamp, good diet, exercise, therapy, socialization, gratitude. I didn’t fall back on my usual vices of shopping and sugar to distract or numb. I even went to Costa Rica and had one of the most blissful weeks of my life! But all it took to send me back into depression was a single gust of cold Chicago wind one evening. I tried everything short of taking medication and permanently moving to a sunny locale. All of this effort was just to feel OK. Some days, all I could do after work was get on my mat and cry, exhausted from a day of holding myself together.
This winter taught me two things:
This depression lives in my body. I am an advocate for mental health but all of those practices were just to feel okay. Next year, I will treat this as a disorder in my body and not just my mind. I will no longer deny the way I feel. I will no longer deny that I NEED sun and warmth every day to feel okay. I do not need to just “grow thicker skin” or toughen up. I will trust the way I feel. It is okay to be having a different experience of winter and lack of sunlight than most people around me.
I learned that one of the most important things to me is to feel like I BELONG.
The difference between belonging and fitting in: Belonging is being accepted exactly as you are. Fitting in often requires changing who you are or aspects about yourself in order to blend in or be accepted. Fitting in is conditional acceptance. This winter, I was in a workplace that had so much negativity and judgment flying around that I shrunk into myself and disconnected myself from my coworkers in efforts to protect myself. I felt out of place. I refused to attempt to fit in and connect through negativity. Fortunately, I was able to renew my contract with Walgreens and return to a place that feels like home. Where I belong. ❤
Living Authentically
How many times have you thought you were living honestly, authentically, truthfully, and it turns out, you’ve been trying to live someone else’s values and truth, and it’s made you literally sick to not be your own shining self?
How many times have you thought you were living honestly, authentically, truthfully, and it turns out, you’ve been trying to live someone else’s values and truth, and it’s made you literally sick to not be your own shining self? For me, it was the first 24-25 years of my life. I had no idea who I was or what I valued. The one thing I did know was that I wanted a career in something that I was passionate about. I enjoyed creating visual art (drawing, painting, photography, graphic design), I was good at, my parents always encouraged me in it, so I went to college for it. But I never felt like I belonged, not through all of art school. I always felt like a faker. I know how lucky I am to be able to go to art school and make it into a career. But it’s not me. Being real is more important to me than a fancy job title. That is MY truth.
I knew what I didn’t want to do- I didn’t want to be stationary behind a desk on a computer all day. But I didn’t know what I actually wanted. So I thought and spoke “I don’t want to work in a cubicle. I don’t want to work in a cubicle.” Guess what I manifested from the universe? That’s right. “Work in a cubicle.” That’s where I’ve been for the past 4 years.
As you embark on manifesting your dreams and desires, truly focus on what you DO want instead of what you don’t want. Some of my favorite quotes from Jim Carrey:
“How will you serve the world? What do they need that your talent can provide?”
“You can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.”
“So many of us are choosing our paths out of fear disguised as practicality.”
Even now, there are still aspects of my life that I’ve been struggling with and only recently realized it’s because I’ve been trying to live according to someone else’s values.
Happiness is Not A Place
It is cultivated each and every day through our thoughts, emotions and actions.
Loving life, loving this pose. I’m so grateful for my job and all the amazing people there. Reflecting (again) on the past year and all the changes that have occurred, I was so impatient to start teaching yoga full time and while it’s still my dream, I’m okay with letting it happen more organically, working at it a little each day with joy in my heart rather than trying to force things through gritted teeth. Taking my own advice, happiness is not a place of “I’ll be happy when ______ (fill in the blank).” It is cultivated each and every day through our thoughts, emotions and actions. A job does not determine my happiness but on this team, with this group of people, I feel like I can be myself. That ability to be authentic, for me, is freedom, peace, joy and love.