Waking Up From Winter

I can breathe again.

Daylight saving time began. Spring is on its way. 

This winter was one of the hardest I’ve had in years. Seasonal affective disorder is no joke. The depression feels like a deep ache in the core of my being, a permeating sadness regardless of how good life is. 

I tried to do everything that the articles recommended. Mindfulness, yoga, vitamin D, sun lamp, good diet, exercise, therapy, socialization, gratitude. I didn’t fall back on my usual vices of shopping and sugar to distract or numb. I even went to Costa Rica and had one of the most blissful weeks of my life! But all it took to send me back into depression was a single gust of cold Chicago wind one evening. I tried everything short of taking medication and permanently moving to a sunny locale. All of this effort was just to feel OK. Some days, all I could do after work was get on my mat and cry, exhausted from a day of holding myself together. 
This winter taught me two things:

This depression lives in my body. I am an advocate for mental health but all of those practices were just to feel okay. Next year, I will treat this as a disorder in my body and not just my mind. I will no longer deny the way I feel. I will no longer deny that I NEED sun and warmth every day to feel okay. I do not need to just “grow thicker skin” or toughen up. I will trust the way I feel. It is okay to be having a different experience of winter and lack of sunlight than most people around me. 

I learned that one of the most important things to me is to feel like I BELONG.

The difference between belonging and fitting in: Belonging is being accepted exactly as you are. Fitting in often requires changing who you are or aspects about yourself in order to blend in or be accepted. Fitting in is conditional acceptance. This winter, I was in a workplace that had so much negativity and judgment flying around that I shrunk into myself and disconnected myself from my coworkers in efforts to protect myself. I felt out of place. I refused to attempt to fit in and connect through negativity. Fortunately, I was able to renew my contract with Walgreens and return to a place that feels like home. Where I belong. ❤

Silver Linings

Silver linings and the light at the end of the tunnel.

They’re hard to see when we feel swallowed by darkness. 

I wasn’t comfortable with sharing publicly about what was happening in my life but I was able to lean on a few friends. One of the mantras I repeated before the break up was “I am well taken care of by my loved ones and the universe.” My friends helped me in various ways that played to their strengths and what they were able to offer. Some shared their experiences that paralleled mine and I was able to find strength and hope by seeing how they have moved beyond them. Some of them continued to check in with me to ask how my day is going and just be there for me.

After my post from last week, more friends have reached out to offer their support. I am touched by every single person whose lives I’ve connected with. I’m so passionate about the power of social media and its ability to be a source of positivity in our lives. Someone I’ve connected with only through Instagram reached out to me to give me a wonderful message:

“There’s always a silver lining and when you are in your darkest hour, take something from the moment and use it as a source of strength to push forward.”

I’ve been changing and healing and growing so much over the past few years that even as challenging this life decision was, I was able to approach it from the most grounded and healthy way I’ve ever handled any situation. I’ve had all the tools I need from my yoga practice, therapy, meditation, and meeting other bright souls here to provide unconditional love, that have helped me unlearn the habitual behaviors of my past and create new behaviors moving forward.