Our retreat leader, Camille, asked the group who has ever felt self conscious about their body. And it looked like that scene from Mean Girls when they were asked to “raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by Regina George.” Every. single. hand went up.
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Look inside- what do you see?
I see a girl
who was caged,
broken and scared.
Do you ever feel suspicious or cautious when things are going well? Are you waiting for the other shoe to drop? Do you doubt that good things can happen to you?
Seasonal affective disorder is no joke. The depression feels like a deep ache in the core of my being, a permeating sadness regardless of how good life is.
My time in Costa Rica on the Jungle Goddess retreat was more amazing than I imagined it could be. I experienced love and connection at a whole new level. It was a week of love, connection, loving words, feeling like I belonged, feeling accepted, feeling safe and held and cared for.
No more of this "means to an end" bullshit. What the hell is the "end" anyways? I resolve to stop putting my life on hold until I achieve this thing or that thing. I resolve to stop trying to fit my life into a plan. We all know how plans go.
For years, I had taken someone else's belief about love as my own truth. "Love is when you care about someone so much that you would sacrifice anything for them." Sounds poetic. But upon further investigation, I realized something deeply disturbing about this belief.
Relief that the past is behind me and that I no longer have to carry it with me.
Relief that the present and future are brighter and filled with more love than I knew possible.
Relief that my reality is no longer filled with fear.
The story. The script. The line. The lie.
The one that whispers so sweetly that I've always let it in. The one that waits just at the edge of my mind, jumping in at every chance.
When someone else is sad, I try and fix it, try and find the source of it and make it all better. Is it because of my own inability to sit with my sadness?
I just hit “send” on an an application to be a photographer on Yoga Journal’s Live Be Yoga Tour. What an amazing end to 2016.
I’ve struggled with my body image, confidence and self worth for most of my life. I believed I was ugly and needed to lose weight. I put my self-worth in the way I looked.
I used to be all externally focused.
A serious case of wanderlust, worrying about other people and their problems as a way to avoid my own, constantly being busy so that I wouldn't be with my own thoughts for too long, and only concerned with how my body looked with no awareness of how it felt.
My journey towards deeper self-love has taken years of making tiny changes, lots of mistakes, and many shifts in mindset shifts. When I made yoga a part of my daily life two years ago, it cultivated my loving body awareness.